9 Excuses People Make To Stay Together, But Are Actually Signs It's Time To End The Relationship
They think they're doing the right thing, but it leads them down the wrong path.
cottonbro studio | Pexels You would be amazed at all of the different reasons people stay with partners they're not sure are right for them. I wish I could tell you that all of these excuses were based in the fact that they love the other — but it just isn’t true. They may not realize it, but often the excuses people make to stay together are signs it's time to end a relationship.
In my experience, people stay in relationships out of fear, as humans tend to be more comfortable in bad situations that are familiar. In addition, a report published in APA PsycNet showed that people are more likely to stay together if they feel their partner is highly dependent on the relationship.
Regardless of the reasons, there are a few signs it's time to end things, no matter how uncomfortable it may seem.
Nine reasons people stay together that are actually signs it's time to end that relationship
1. They hate to be alone
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I can’t tell you how many of my clients stay in relationships because they don’t want to be alone, and this is supported by studies on settling for less out of fear of being single from the American Psychological Association. The idea of being alone is worse than being with someone who is making them unhappy.
A client of mine was in a relationship for 20 years. She had been miserable for 15 of them, but she was worried if she moved on, she would be alone forever. So, she stayed — and stayed miserable. And the irony was that she was lonelier in her unhappy relationship than she might have been out of it.
She stayed because she wanted someone to spend time with, who would be her partner, but then he didn’t want to spend time with her or respect her wishes or any of the other things she wanted from the relationship. As a result, she felt truly alone, even though she had a boyfriend.
So, be honest with yourself. Are you afraid of being alone? Do you look at your person and feel unhappy but know you can’t break up with them, not because you still love them but because you just don’t want to be alone?
If the answer is yes, you’re with your person for the wrong reasons.
2. They're jealous of people with happy relationships
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When I got divorced and my ex-husband got married three years later, while I was still single, I remember my daughter telling me my ex had ‘won the breakup.’ He had found happiness before I did and I was the loser, left alone, pretty miserable.
I hated how I didn’t want to be the loser who was alone while my ex-husband (who had left me, BTW) found happiness. So, what did I do? I got right out there and dated like a fiend. The number of dates that I went on in the first few months was, in retrospect, staggering, but I was determined to find a man.
I jumped into a relationship with the first semi-decent guy who came alone. He was fun enough, but I was pretty sure early on he wasn’t the guy for me. But I stayed. Why? Because I didn’t want to be the loser without a boyfriend when my ex was living the life.
Not surprisingly, that first relationship didn’t work out. I was only with him because I didn’t want the world to think I was a loser.
A classic rebound relationship as described by certified coach Joan Jerkovich, "Rebound relationships are relationships in which one partner is still in the process of healing after the breakup of a prior, usually recently ended, relationship. Rebounds serve to distract people while they take time to get over their lost love — and they often end in heartbreak. That's because the rebound period should be spent healing, sorting through what went wrong, and figuring out what you really want and need in your next relationship."
As time went on, dating became less about finding someone to prove to my ex I didn’t need them and more about looking for someone who I could spend my life with. And I found him.
I wouldn’t have if I had stayed with the first guy who came along because I was jealous of my ex. He was the wrong person for me, and I knew it all along.
3. They get too upset when their partner cries
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I have a client who has wanted to break up with his girlfriend for years. I mean, years. Almost since the moment they got together.
He has even gone so far as to get an apartment so when he tells her he wants to break up, he has a place to go right away. But he has never once actually moved into one of those apartments (losing a ton of money on security deposits along the way).
Why? Because when he tries to break up with his girlfriend, she cries. And those tears terrify him, so he relents, lets go of his new apartment, and stays. Over and over and over and over. He knows he needs to leave, but those tears make him stay.
When a man makes a woman cry, the man will often instantly do whatever they need to do to make their woman stop doing so. Similarly, women are such caretakers that when they see their partner expressing emotions about losing them, they overcorrect and take their partner back.
A study in Psychological Bulletin demonstrated guilt as an interpersonal transaction. Think about it. Do you stay because your person cries when you want to leave? If you do, you are definitely with your person for the wrong reasons.
4. They want to maintain the physical aspects of the relationship
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Do you keep going back to someone, thinking you love them truly, but then realize the best part of the reunion is the physical aspect?
This happens all the time. People break up, and then they get lonely, and instead of looking for someone new, they go back to an ex because it's just easier.
Most people truly want to believe they are going back for the right reasons because they truly love their person, so they don’t recognize the reason they are going back is they are lonely and looking for physical connection.
So, they return making promises, hoping for things to turn out differently this time, but then, after some connection and togetherness, they realize all of the reasons they left are still present, and they are forced to walk away again.
So, why do you keep going back? Or why does your person keep coming back, only to leave again after they got what they wanted? It’s because they are the wrong person for you.
5. They're in an affair and think their 'partner' is going to leave their spouse
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This one, I hope, is very obvious. If your person goes home to their spouse at the end of the day, they are not the right person for you.
Relationships are all about connection, about working together to build a life and a future. To share in life’s ups and downs, to face the world together, to love each other and only each other until death do you part.
If your partner already has a spouse or a significant other, then they can’t do all of the things couples are meant to do. They might promise you they want to or ‘someday’ you will be able to, but for now, they are taken.
Family coach Zailyn Prada-Blackburn explains in more detail, "Yes, many men cheat, and it's sad. But most cheaters stay with their wives anyway. You don't want to keep a cheater. You want the one who won't cheat, and if he does, he'll have remorse, make amends, and continue with his family. Don't you deserve that too?"
Anyone who is taken is not the right person for you.
6. They don't think they can be happy without the relationship
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Be honest with yourself. Do you believe if you lose your person, you will never be happy again?
Do you feel like you need them in your life so you can function? Do you feel like they are a part of you and you can’t live without them? Do you believe if they weren’t there, you wouldn’t be able to be successful in life? Do you feel like losing them would mean losing yourself completely?
Someone who relies on another to complete them is someone who is in a co-dependent relationship. Being co-dependent is unhealthy for so many reasons, most notably the effect it can have on the mental and physical health of someone who is so.
The reason we want to be in a relationship is so we feel happy healthy, in a partnership that helps us grow. We aren’t in a relationship to give up all of ourselves for another, losing ourselves in the process.
So, are you co-dependent in your relationship? If yes, you are with your person for the wrong reasons.
7. They don’t want to break up the family
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This was me for years. I was desperately unhappy in my marriage, but whenever I looked at us all sitting around the dinner table, I knew I could never break up my family.
I was the product of a broken home, and I know how horrible it was for me, both as a child and as an adult, trying to navigate the world of relationships. I didn’t want that for my kids, and I was determined not to give it to them.
So, I stayed, but I stayed for the wrong reasons. I fought for it not because I was madly in love with my children but because I didn’t want my kids to have to spend Christmas in two places.
Many, many people stay in a relationship to keep the family unit intact. And while they think this is the best thing to do, staying in a marriage for the kids isn’t healthy for anyone.
So, are you staying in your marriage because of your kids? If yes, are you staying in the marriage for the wrong reason?
8. They're afraid of losing friends
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This is a big one I hear about from my clients questioning their relationships.
Again, when they come to me looking for help with their relationships, when I ask them what is keeping them from moving on, one of the top 5 answers (usually above love) is they are worried about their social group.
They are worried about what will happen if they break up with their partner. Who will continue to play on their softball team, and who will have to find another? Even worse, what will they do if they are both forced to play on the same team? What if their ex finds someone else, and they have to deal with looking at them whenever there is a practice of a game?
Whether it’s softball or something else you might be a part of socially, is the fear the social situation will fall apart one of the things keeping you in the relationship?
If the answer is yes, consider whether or not you are with your person for the right reasons.
9. They don’t want to start all over
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This is the No. 1 reason my clients don’t want to break up with someone — because they don’t want to have to start all over.
Dating sucks. Well, not always, but a lot of the time. The endless swiping, having initial weird conversations, wondering whether or not to take the conversation offline. Where and when to meet and what to wear? How to get out of the date gracefully when they show up looking nothing like their picture.
All of those things are daunting. So why would we want to knowingly jump back into the dating scene again when we have a perfectly nice person who fulfills some of our needs? I mean, don’t most people have to compromise in any relationship?
Yes, compromise is a part of any healthy relationship, but if the compromise is staying so you don’t have to date again that is not a sign of a healthy relationship, as shown by research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
We all want to be in a relationship, and, as a result, we sometimes tend to try to fit a square peg into a round hole. We try as hard as we can to make something work, even when we know it can’t.
The reality is if you are with the wrong person, the best thing in the world you can do for both of you is to end it. As long as you stay in a bad relationship, the more time you will waste looking for the person who is right for you.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.