15 Delayed Red Flags That Only Show Up After You’re Emotionally Invested
Not everything is as it seems.
Aleksandar Kuresevi | Unsplash When we first begin to date someone, we're always on the lookout for red flags and deal-breakers. After two or three months, we begin to trust them and feel confident in our decision to be with them.
Unfortunately, it's often after the initial courtship period that the worst red flags actually begin to show. If you notice these warning signs of a bad relationship, it's probably for the best that you leave before your relationship gets worse.
Here are 15 delayed red flags that only show up after you’re emotionally invested:
1. They come up with reasons not to do work
When you first began dating, he kept a good home, had a job, and knew how to do laundry. One year in he suddenly doesn't know how to do laundry, refuses to keep or get a job because he's "tired," and his home looks like a bomb went off in it.
Believe it or not, this is scarily common. Many guys out there will magically "fall apart" when a girl becomes deeply committed to them, and they do that because they know the girl they're with will support them. These guys will promise to work on things, but nothing ever comes of it.
He will flip out and guilt-trip her if the girl gets annoyed and brings up his lack of action. It's not your responsibility to support a man-child.
2. They try to wear you down on non-negotiable issues
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Some things, such as your position on kids, are not negotiable in relationships. There are also certain boundaries that healthy relationships don't cross.
If you notice that they keep trying to negotiate, argue, or otherwise get you to give in on these things, that's a huge red flag. It signals they don't respect your decisions, opinions, or boundaries. It's also a sign that they're trying to control you.
3. They say things that are absolutely vile
There are certain things you don't say to a person. During the initial stages of dating, it's really unlikely that any guy would be stupid enough to say something atrocious to you because they're supposed to be on their best behavior. Many bad apples will wait months or even years before showing their true colors.
If they say something insanely rude or plain messed up, don't take it lightly or excuse it as them having a bad day. They've shown you who they are, and it's your duty to believe them. Accepting verbal abuse like that sets a precedent, and it's not a precedent you want to set.
4. They isolate you from your friends and family
This is a red flag that most people don't realize until they're really deep into a bad relationship. The more aggressively someone tries to sever connections you have with other people, the worse a sign it is.
Many guys who are abusive will isolate their victims as the first step in keeping them locked down, and it's almost always a gradual thing. If you notice that he makes a point of making friends uncomfortable, tells you to stop talking to old friends, or tries to turn friends against you, it's time to leave.
5. They have a serious anger problem
Most people don't see their significant other's angry side until they're well-established as a couple. This isn't necessarily good because you don't really know a person until you see how they handle their anger.
If your first argument or example of him being angry was an explosive display of rage, you need to back out of the relationship quickly. There's no saying that he won't turn that anger against you one of these days.
When anger issues seem to emerge only after someone becomes emotionally invested, it often stems from the underlying vulnerability and the potential for hurt or disappointment that comes with closeness, which triggers deeper emotions and reactive anger. A 2022 study found that, in some cases, anger can be used to exert control or power in a relationship. Someone who feels powerless or insecure might use anger to assert themselves or manipulate the situation.
6. They lie about their past
When you're dating a guy, you'll soon begin to hear stories about his past, his job, and other important details of his life. Things will add up when you're dating a guy who's honest with you. There will be people who can back up his stories. There will be physical evidence of people he claimed existed, and keepsakes of stranger times.
If you begin noticing little details of his story changing or can't help but notice a lack of evidence, it's a good sign that he's hiding something major. Depending on how the details change, he might also be trying to "trickle truth" to you about certain issues.
Either way, all those inconsistencies are a good sign that he's lying to you about something, and you don't need that in your life.
7. They say and do two different things.
This red flag becomes apparent only after you two have discussed things that need to improve in the relationship. A good relationship partner will follow through on his actions rather than offer you more empty promises about fixing it later.
If you begin to notice that he's not doing the things he's promised to do, it's a red flag. It means that he's hoping to keep things as they are and hoping you won't bother to correct them. Or, it could be that he's just too selfish and lazy to put in the effort.
Actions speak much louder than words, so don't ignore this bad sign. If he won't work on small things, there's no way he'll work on more significant issues.
Similarly, if a guy claims to respect you but constantly does disrespectful things, he doesn't respect you. In other words, if what he's doing doesn't match what he says he does, it's a red flag regardless of the circumstances.
8. They pull a 'bait and switch'
At the start of the relationship, he was super-generous. Slowly but surely, he began to nickel-and-dime you. Now, you're paying all his bills. Maybe, at the start, he kept talking about marriage. Now, he's adding all these things you must do to get him to propose. You do them, but he wants you to do even more things.
Congrats! You've been dealt a bait and switch by your guy. If you notice him dangling something you want in front of you to make you do things, you're dealing with a serious red flag.
In reality, guys who pull this dirty trick will never give you what you wanted in the first place. Instead, they will have you continually chasing what they promised.
9. They talk badly about you to their friends
Usually, it takes a while for people to find out when someone's talking ill of them, especially if they're in a relationship with that person. If you find out that he's ridiculing you to his friends, constantly complaining about you to his mom, or even posting unbecoming things about you online, it's time to break up.
10. They invade your privacy or go through your things
This is an extremely bad sign if you find out that he's read your diary, installed a keylogger on your computer, or put a tracker on your phone.
One, it shows that he doesn't trust you. Two, it shows no respect for privacy or healthy boundaries. Three, it shows that he's a controlling stalker. If you catch him snooping, it's time to leave.
Privacy invasion in relationships reveals that while some privacy is essential, excessive snooping or lack of boundaries can damage trust and lead to conflict, with factors like distrust and attachment style playing a role. A 2024 review recommended open and honest communication about privacy expectations and boundaries, which is crucial for a healthy relationship.
11. They have mommy issues
There's nothing wrong with a man with a healthy relationship with his mom. There is, however, a problem with guys who can't live without their mother's help, guys who can't establish boundaries with their mom, and guys who have Oedipal complexes.
If he can't say no to his mom or calls his mom every single day, there's a good chance that he has serious mommy issues. Staying with a guy like this means he will expect you to play mommy if you get married, and nothing will ever be good enough for it to be on his mom's level. Unless you're okay with being second fiddle to mama, don't ignore this.
12. Their finances just don't add up
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You know he works in a lucrative job but is always broke. He's working longer hours, but the pay is the same. Money is beginning to go missing. Something isn't adding up.
Where is all the money going? Moreover, why isn't he being honest with you?
13. They try to 'fix,' 'train,' or 'improve' you
You're not broken. You aren't a puppy that needs to be trained; you're a perfectly functional adult who doesn't need to be improved.
If he keeps talking about improving you or lectures you "for your own good," he's not a good boyfriend. Plenty of guys out there would love you just the way you are. This shows that he's extremely manipulative, controlling, and potentially abusive.
14. They're spineless
Does he lack the ability to actually say what's on his mind? Is his idea of disagreeing or pouting? This is a red flag that some girls don't pick up on for a while.
You need a guy with a spine who can confront issues head-on. Otherwise, you'll be stuck with an aggravatingly passive-aggressive jerk.
15. You don't recognize yourself anymore
You should never stay with a guy who makes you lose the person you originally were — or worse, turns you into someone you hate. Feeling like you don't recognize yourself in a new relationship can stem from various factors, including low self-esteem, fear of rejection, a desire to please your partner, and neglecting your needs and identity.
A 2021 study found that some people avoid going all in for fear of losing themselves in a relationship. Maintaining individuality and avoiding a 'fantasy bond' is one of the most potent ways to keep love alive.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474, or log onto thehotline.org.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.