7 Ways Even The Brightest, Most Independent Women Can Get Trapped In Subservient Marriages
Avoid these potential pitfalls so you don't have to partake in a dangerous divorce.
Ruben Ramirez | Unsplash It's easy to be fooled by a man who wants to manipulate you. Even successful, highly intelligent women can sometimes fail to identify controlling men before it’s too late. They may notice he is a powerful man without realizing his desire for a subservient wife who loves cooking and catering to a “king in his castle”. Too quickly, they find themselves trapped.
While some women are thrilled to lovingly serve a man, independent women require an equality absent in traditional relationships. If saying “Yes, Dear” is not their favorite phrase, these women must learn to sidestep domineering men who may lie in wait for their appeal and assets.
The “secret sauce of survival” is that to be safe, powerful women must learn to back away from an aggressive man who lacks empathy.
Seven ways even bright, independent women may get trapped in subservient marriages
1. The money trap
A beautiful and talented woman was engaged to the heir to a multigenerational family fortune. However, she was unaware that too often marriage causes financial disasters for women even if they marry a wealthy man. When I told her his inherited money would not be included in spousal support during a divorce, she snapped out of her reverie, asked me intelligent questions, and insisted on a prenup.
A preventative strategy that works: Jackie Kennedy Onassis’s attorneys negotiated her paydays. Her reported prenup to marry Onassis was $150 million. However, this wasn’t the first time Jackie had a financial goal in her marriage. Her mother, Janet Auchincloss, had suffered emotionally and financially during her marriage to Jackie’s father so in her second marriage she ensured her financial needs were guaranteed. Then she guided both daughters, Jackie and Lee, to marry for money, which they did.
For my friend, who truly loved her fiancé, having an attorney negotiate a reasonable prenup, as outlined by an article in Cleveland State Law Review, was appropriate so she didn’t become destitute if she divorced an heir without a career or income.
2. The 'dependent man' trap
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An intelligent and loving woman was dating a man suffering from multiple dangerous addictions that he hid from her. When we began working together, she realized for their children, this was a zero-sum game, in which she and the children could only lose their peace of mind and financial stability.
A preventative strategy that works: A study in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology suggested If you want a peaceful life, never marry an addict who hasn’t been clean and sober for a minimum of five years, and be sure that he is still in a 12-step program or the equivalent. While it’s possible for brain chemistry, brain wiring, and emotional issues that caused addiction to resurface at any time, after five years clean and sober, the support system needed to avoid dangerous behaviors is in place and most people can continue to avoid addictive choices.
3. The violence trap
Millions of women flee relationships after being injured or maimed, as evidenced by a review in the American Psychologist Journal. In most cases, the women feel shocked and devastated and never saw it coming. You may wonder how someone can hide a past littered with physically abusive behaviors or potentially violent tendencies in their history and the answer is charm and party manners.
If abusers were abusive 24/7 we would all see them coming and we could avoid them. However, most violent criminals are clever and have excellent manipulation skills so beware because the difference between a great salesman and a great criminal may be hard to spot.
A preventative strategy that works: Most women fail to protect themselves with defensive skills or research. They also failed to learn communication skills that saved my own life in a life-threatening situation. Since court cases can be sealed and even hacked and altered, there is a limit to how much you can learn about someone even if you hire an investigator with the right connections.
The best protection you have is learning about violent offenders and the small facial expressions and verbal tics that indicate anger which are almost always the hallmarks of potential danger for you.
4. The psychological manipulation trap
This is the horrific unseen danger that sneaks up on so many women who are groomed. In the last few decades, techniques of sexual grooming and criminal grooming for financial cons have become familiar news stories.
However, the Stockholm Syndrome that was a huge part of the Patty Heart case allowed her attorney to explain how she became a gun-wielding criminal after the kidnapping and abuse she endured although she had no realization she had been groomed. Due to Patty’s education and family background, it became clear how grooming can happen to anyone unless we are very cautious and protect ourselves, as discussed by a study in the European Journal of Psychotraumatology.
A preventative strategy that works: Every parent must raise their children to be capable of sensing danger and running from “a man with a van”. Learning to identify psychological abusers is more complicated and we can train children to see them coming from a mile away because they are rarely subtle. Once we are adults it is our job to train ourselves with numerous skills to identify microfacial expressions of lying, rage, shame, etc.
5. The verbal abuse trap
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Millions of women believe that an angry or enraged spouse is an acceptable partner because they have become used to their own parents’ bickering. All too often these peaceful women who feel scared and end up calling the police on their husbands, have it backfire and get arrested themselves!
However, a loving peaceful family is the basic requirement for raising safe and healthy children. Therefore, no amount of verbal abuse is OK as parents can create anxiety in children which leads to ailments from digestive issues to headaches and worse.
A preventative strategy that works: The more loving that a woman may be, the easier it is for her to believe that “love can conquer all” and that she can make him stop before anyone is harmed. Countless women have called me when they feel desperate to survive their traumatic marriages.
They discover that their underlying confusion is a belief that they should have an innate ability to calm an angry spouse. However, making peace with an angry person is based on tools, skills, support, and a lot of practice so you master self-soothing, and empathy for the angry person, which is counterintuitive.
6. The make-up / hookup trap
When a couple can forgive and turn the page, make-up sex can be fun. However, it is a slippery slope in which juicy joy and passion can activate deep emotions that have been simmering for too long. When handcuffs are within reach, a woman may suddenly find herself in terrible danger from which she is unable to escape.
A preventative strategy that works: Learn to make peace and begin with you calming yourself and then calming him. As you proceed, you’ll feel the heart connection which is the long-lasting benefit of make-up sex and every other kind of sex. Then you have the full brain chemistry dose of all the feel-good endorphins.
7. The physical beauty trap
Becoming captivated by his face and physique, his external beauty, and his pheromones, you must also check that his soul, heart, and true nature are equally beautiful. I’ve dated two motive stars who were gorgeous and reasonable people. I avoided two far more famous mega movie stars because they are not and I advise you to do the same to protect yourself.
A preventative strategy that works: If beauty is a big turn-on to you as it is to so many of us, the more you enhance your appearance, the easier it is to captivate a beautiful man. Beautiful men often are sensitive about their looks and like beautiful women, they may want to be desired for more than that. This is not always true and players can be players no matter their appearance, so if you’re looking for a commitment observe their behaviors and not their words.
8. The biggest potential trap
Each of these women could have become dangerously vulnerable for two reasons:
- They wanted love and peace,
- They acquiesced to their husband’s demands
Some almost didn’t live to tell me their stories and ask for help.
The most dangerous decision they made was living with or marrying an abusive partner. However, the potentially lethal aspect of these relationships would begin when the man pressured each woman to isolate herself in their relationship, giving up her career or job, and friends she becomes cut off from “escape routes”.
After that, a study in the Journal of Marriage and the Family showed most women become financially dependent on a partner who is dominating and demanding and they are truly in danger because they can’t leave and don’t have the independent resources to protect themselves and their children with qualified experts, all part of the abusive partner’s plan.
The biggest preventative strategy: Every adult needs enough financial independence to stay safe and leave a dangerous situation within days. Because I had to create my own “witness protection program” after my dangerous divorce, the extraordinary experts who helped me make a difference as did my skills, and all this can be expensive but saving your life in that situation is an urgent necessity.
Susan Allan is a Life Coach whose Heartspace® trainings offer proven tools to experience joy and happiness and let go of suffering. She has been named Calipost’s 10 Most Influential Life Coaches in California Transforming Lives and Vogue Daily’s Most Successful Coaches Pioneering Growth and Empowerment.