12 Ways A Woman Can Break Free From A Guy Who Treated Her Badly
A therapist's most effective tools for ending relationships with cruel men.
Velimir Zeland via Shutterstock In the course of a long-term relationship, there will be moments when each partner may be cruel. But when you start seeing a pattern where a man treats you badly, you need to pay attention. As a therapist, I see these unhealthy relationships last for too long, partly because women haven't learned how to spot the cycle early.
Emotionally manipulative, unkind or even abusive men cannot be "fixed". Don’t ignore the problem or try to fight back. This will only make things worse. Fortunately, there are some tried-and-true tools to help you break this pattern and find a healthier future.
Here are 12 ways a woman can break free from a guy who treated her badly
1. Be aware
You need to learn all you can about the perpetrator and abuse. You also need to stop believing the nonsense the abuser has told you, as explored in a project by Vered de Vries, California State University.
You can choose to leave. Remember, the longer you stay in the relationship, the longer it takes to get over it.
2. If you decide to leave, admit to your mistake
You chose the wrong guy, and that’s alright. Now you know what you don’t like. You’d be surprised how many people have gone through it. A lot of people don’t like to talk about it.
There is a lot of shame. But Dr. Sylvie Lo Fo Wong found that talking about it can help you.
3. Remember who you used to be
How did you feel about yourself before the unhealthy relationship? What types of activities did you enjoy? What were your dreams and goals? It’s easy to lose yourself, but you can pick up the pieces and move on.
Red Cristal via Shutterstock
4. Set new relationship standards
What were some of the red flags at the beginning of the relationship you ignored? Research comparing domestic abuse and symptoms of PTSD published by Counseling & Psychotherapy Research Journal has shown similarities. Always be aware you can’t change a man. Ask yourself why you gave him so many passes.
Now, make a list of your must-haves and can’t-stands. You can even add icing on the cake to the list.
5. Don’t expect to be happy immediately
Getting over an emotionally abusive relationship takes time. Take it one day at a time. Remember to breathe. Your breath is soothing. Inhale slowly and exhale slowly.
Stay in the present. We can’t go back, and we can’t predict the future. It’s like cleaning out a room. The room needs to be cleaned out, painted, and then reorganized.
6. Learn to trust yourself again
We all make mistakes. Make sure to tell yourself you are much wiser now. Start your day with a positive affirmation. It can be simple. One of my favorites is: "I am enough."
As time goes on, you will build your strength up and be able to trust in yourself again.
7. Believe there is someone better out there for you
It’s easy to feel hopeless. Even if you have been in a string of bad relationships, there is still someone out there better for you.
Someone who is more deserving and who will appreciate you. He will love you for you. He won’t expect you to be perfect all the time. And he will have your back no matter what.
Ground Picture via Shutterstock
8. If you decide to leave, it’s best to cut off all contact with your ex
That means no harmless texts or lunches. Resist the urge to see him on Facebook or any social media, for that matter. Having access to his cyber life is only a crutch. This will keep you stuck. If you already have children, An article in Feminist Criminology, Journal explains how leaving is possible but can be complicated.
9. Allow yourself to feel lonely
A breakup is never easy, even when you are the one doing the breaking up. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard, "I don’t want to leave my relationship because I am scared I will feel lonely."
Feeling lonely is part of the process. When you end a relationship, you are grieving. When the grief process is over, you will have learned something. After people have ended a bad relationship, they feel a lot better than they did in the relationship.
10. After ending the relationship, it’s important to remember why you ended the relationship
It’s easy to remember the good things about the relationship and your ex. Maybe, in the beginning, it was good, and that’s why you stayed. Suppose you have to write a list of why you left. Say it over and over; this will help you be stronger.
Maybe he cooked dinner, but it’s not that great if he only cooked meals he liked. And, after being in a relationship for a year, he still doesn’t know your favorite foods.
Just Life via Shutterstock
11. Take care of yourself
Give yourself as much time as you need to get over it. A pint of ice cream, magazines, and a good dose of reality TV are perfectly alright. You may decide to stay in for a weekend or two, as long as it doesn’t last too long, and you can get back into your regular schedule again.
Then, you can go to the gym or for a long walk on the beach.
12. When you're ready to leave, own it
When you feel you can move on, congratulate yourself for being strong and wise enough to leave. I know it’s not easy. By leaving, you have given yourself a gift. You are saying goodbye to a relationship that isn’t working for you and allowing happiness into your life.
If you have decided to leave, then own it. Make sure you have a good support team to keep you on track. This is also a good time to talk with a professional. This will help you with the healing process, which will help you make better choices in the future.
Lianne Avila is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a practice in San Mateo, CA, and is the founder of Lessons for Love. Her work has been featured in Psych Central, BRIDES, and Prevention.