10 Subtle Traits Of A Cold-Hearted Man, According To Relationship Expert
Listen to your gut.
mimagephotography | Canva As a relationship coach, I receive many emails from women asking me about the way a man is acting and if it might mean they are cold-hearted. More often than not, women who doubt the feelings of men in their lives are usually right. Meaning, if he’s not that into you, you will probably know.
Nevertheless, though, it is easy to be caught up in infatuation or mutual attraction and overlook the warning signs. I read a quote once that said “Follow your heart, but take your brain with you,” and this is exactly what we need to do when following relationship or dating advice. Too much emotion or logic can cloud our judgment, and we need to have a balance of both.
Here are the 10 subtle traits of a cold-hearted man:
1. He makes general statements in your direction rather than talking about you specifically
In other words, could his compliments be copied and pasted into his texts to another girl, or is he talking about something specific to you? Unfortunately, in today’s society, there needs to be a conversation about commitment before it can be assumed that either partner is actually committed and not talking to anyone else.
If a man is vague in his discussion and doesn’t dive into what makes you tick, what your passions are, and what you want out of life, you have to honestly ask yourself how interested he truly is. His body language can also reveal whether he's feeling you or not. Eye contact is a major sign of attraction, 2020 research states, so if he's not locking eyes, it might be a sign that he feels cold-hearted toward you.
2. He spends more time talking about himself than trying to get to know you
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To some guys, the dating “game” is just that — a game they can play in order to win. That’s why they’re called players. Research from 2024 even states how online dating is just like a video game.
A man who has love in his heart for you will take the time to converse with you and relate to you during your discussions, not keep all of the attention on himself to convince you how great he is just to "win you."
3. He passively invites you places
Do his attempts to spend time with you seem weak at best? Not only might he always be “too busy” or delay getting together, but if his only invitation to you is a Friday night text asking if you want to get a drink, he may have had plans fall through and isn’t showing you the proper amount of effort to actually plan a night around you.
A big-hearted man who is serious about you will always make the time to see you. No excuses, lies, or broken promises. You deserve better than being a backup plan.
4. He only talks to you when he wants something or is making plans
Unless he’s trying to see you, he never talks to you. This one is a big red flag of a cold-hearted man. Is he talkative, romantic, and friendly as the weekend is approaching, or when he’s asking you to spend time together, but seems distant and much less eager to respond to texts any other time?
Sure, he might be busy with work, but people are constantly attached to their phones and he will find time to text you back if he really wants to.
5. His words and actions are inconsistent
People can easily talk a certain way, and then act another way. Words are nice, but with a cold-hearted man they are often drowned out by actions.
Early on in a relationship, watch what someone does more than what they say. Words can be dishonest, but actions can’t.
6. He avoids PDA like the plague
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It goes without saying that some people aren’t comfortable with public displays of affection, this is totally natural. But one thing to pay attention to is whether or not it looks like he’s trying to still appear single even when he’s with you. Research from 2022 even states how beneficial public displays of affection are for relationships.
Does he want people to think you’re his sister? His cousin? Does he want the cute waitress to think he’s just out to dinner with a work colleague?
If he's proud to be with you (which he should be), you will know it. If he’s not, you’ll always be wondering if he is.
7. Meeting friends and family seems to be off-limits
A man who can really envision a future with you will want to integrate you into all parts of his life. This means introducing you to his family and friends and meeting yours as well. It means inviting you to family dinners and gatherings. Having his friends say, “I’ve heard so much about you” when they meet you.
If he always seems to be too busy to meet the people who are special to you, and doesn’t invite you to meet his, this is a red flag of a cold-hearted man. Psychology tells us it's a good sign if a man introduces you to the important people in his life.
8. He's hesitant about a future together
A man who is really into you will picture you in his life far into the future. If he's hesitant about committing to something far down the road, he's probably hesitant about committing to the entire relationship.
Research from the Gottman Institute tells us that some men have a fear of commitment because of their attachment style.
9. He doesn't remember important details
When a man is emotionally invested in you, he will put in effort to really listen to what you are saying and remember details. Simply listening in a relationship is a key to good communication, one study states.
Your friend Emma had surgery last week. Does he ask how she’s doing? Is your sister’s baby feeling better? Does he have a better chance of knowing who fired the first shot on the grassy knoll than he does of remembering when your first date was? Red flag of a cold-hearted man.
10. You are always unsure about his feelings
I have no problem admitting it: A woman’s intuition is usually so accurate it can be scary, with one 2022 study agreeing. But it can be blurred if she's really into someone.
If I had to venture a guess, I’d say nearly everyone reading this has been on the inside of a situation that all of your friends tried to talk you out of, but you couldn’t see it for what it really was. The biggest red flag for a man being cold-hearted toward you is that you are always unsure of or questioning where he stands.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If a man truly cares about you, you will know it and feel it. If he doesn’t, you’ll be wondering all the time if he does.
James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and relationship coach. He is a go-to expert at CNN, Bravo, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, and more.