Woman Wonders If She’s Wrong For Refusing To Visit Her Dying Mom Who Manipulated Her Into Putting Her Baby Up For Adoption 24 Years Ago
"I left that hospital heartbroken and betrayed."
Daisy-Daisy | Canva Pro Although they say time heals all wounds, that's not always the case.
One woman on Reddit has been estranged from her parents for 24 years, and when she was contacted by her dad and informed that her mother was dying, she was left conflicted.
She admitted that she “hates” them for what they did to her years ago, forever traumatizing her and her husband. She put her firstborn son up for adoption decades earlier, and she still blames her parents for their role in the decision.
The woman's mom manipulated her into putting her baby up for adoption 24 years ago.
"I was 15 when I got pregnant, 16 when I had my baby," the mom, now 40, wrote on Reddit. “My parents were not so supportive and kicked me out as soon as I told them. They harassed me constantly to get an abortion, then demanded I have the baby adopted.”
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Thankfully, her boyfriend’s parents were willing to help and even got the young woman a job as a waitress at his uncle’s restaurant so she could save up.
"Every dollar we made we were saving for the baby," she wrote. "It wasn't much but we were committed to the family we had started."
Her parents, on the other hand, were so unsupportive that she was forced to cut them off a few months into the pregnancy after her father attacked her boyfriend on the street and her mother accosted his mom at the mall.
"Then one day they called and said they had a change of heart, they didn't want to lose me and the baby," the woman recalled. "I was wary but hopeful. My boyfriend's parents encouraged me to give them a chance. We all regretted it in the end."
The day she went into labor, the woman was at her parents’ house. They took her to the hospital and lied to the girl, claiming they couldn’t get ahold of her boyfriend and his family.
“Immediately after giving birth, my mother had forms for me to sign, telling me they were hospital admin forms,” the woman revealed. “She was my mother, I believed her. They were actually adoption papers. My baby was taken right out of my arms and I didn't see him again for 20 years.”
The woman later married her boyfriend, and they had three more children together; however, nothing could erase the pain of having their firstborn taken from them.
"I left that hospital heartbroken and betrayed," she wrote. "I went to my boyfriend and his parents and we grieved together."
She soon became estranged from her parents and cut them out of her life entirely, admitting, "I hated them. I never wanted to see them again."
When she was 22, she and her boyfriend married in a courthouse and held a small backyard barbecue reception at her in-laws’ house. A year later, the pair had their second child, although the joyous occasion was tarnished by her mother's past actions.
“The trauma from the events of the first time I gave birth hit us both hard, especially my husband.”
The woman and her boyfriend continued to expand their family, having two more children together, though they never forgot their firstborn son.
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Every year on his birthday, her husband bought him a Matchbox car and she baked a rhubarb sponge pudding. They would sing Happy Birthday as a family, wish him a long and happy life, and take a picture together.
“We love each and every one of [our kids], and yet our hearts ached and yearned for our firstborn,” she expressed. “Every day I thought of him and hoped that he went to a good family that loved him.”
The woman and her husband were elated and speechless when their firstborn showed up at their home 4 years ago.
The woman was out of town with her oldest daughter at a softball camp, when she got a phone call from her husband urging her to come home.
"I can't quite find the words or express how I felt [about] what happened when we arrived home," she wrote.
“Today we are in regular contact with our eldest. We talk often, video calls mostly. We like to see him, and he likes to see us,” she continued. “He was adopted by an older couple that couldn't have kids and was an only child. He loves having siblings.”
Since their reunion, their firstborn son has spent Christmas with his family every year, and they travel to him for his birthdays and on the anniversary of his adoptive parents’ death.
“His father found us years before when our son first told his parents that one day he would like to meet us,” the mom explained. “I am so grateful to the man and woman that adopted him. They gave him a good life with lots of love and raised a good son. I wish I could have known them.”
A few weeks ago, the woman's father contacted her in-laws, informing them that her mother was dying.
Her father claimed that they have regrets about their actions and want to repair their relationship; however, the woman is unwilling.
“Every part of me is against it,” she said candidly. “There is not one ounce of me even a little bit willing to give them that. I hate them for what they did to us, for stealing our son. For taking him right out of my arms. All that time lost because of their cruelty and their selfishness.“
Her husband, on the other hand, suggested reuniting with her parents to "rub in their faces all they've missed out on and leave them with new regrets," but the women insisted that they don't "deserve to lay their eyes on so much goodness."
The mom of four asked Reddit users if she would be wrong to refuse to reunite with her aging parents after the years of trauma they caused her and her husband.
Reddit users supported the woman and encouraged her to listen to her heart.
Commenters argued that her parents had plenty of time to reconnect and only appear to care now that her mother is dying. Regardless of their regrets, Reddit users agreed that her parents overstepped their boundaries tremendously and manipulated their daughter. She has every right to refuse to reconnect.
“Does she actually want to make amends because she had a change of heart, or is she being selfish and wants to feel like you forgave her before she dies?” one user questioned.
"I'm not sure a revenge meeting is that great. I understand why your husband would want that, but it'll still hurt all of you," another commenter pointed out. "So only do it if you are prepared to open those old wounds and deal with the heartache from it."
"Do whatever gives you the most peace," a third Redditor kindly advised.
Parents must remember the excitement they felt at the idea of their first child.
No parents want to discover that their teenager is pregnant.
According to Crosswinds Counseling, the best way to respond to this is to pause and process, listen to your child, put yourself in their shoes, and recognize how they’re feeling. Remind them you still love them and discuss their options in a supportive manner.
Nothing can justify the decision to manipulatively put their daughter's baby up for adoption on the day of his birth. It was a heartless and cruel thing to do to young and excited parents ready to start a family — and it rightfully cost them their relationship with their daughter and grandchildren.
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team based in Orlando, FL. She covers lifestyle, human-interest, adventure, and spirituality topics.