Parents Who Do These 7 Things When Their Kids Tell A Lie Keep Them Close For A Lifetime
Psychology's best steps for helping kids learn to tell the truth.
digitalskillet | Canva Kids and lying aren’t the most popular parenting topics. Most of us don’t think our kids lie, but they do. Call it a positivity bias — or naivety — but most parents don’t believe their children lie. The fact is, most parents have lied to their kids at one point or another.
Why is this? Part of it may have to do with how hard it is to determine if someone is lying — even to your children. So, if you have been “lucky” enough to catch your child in a lie, resist the urge to dismiss it as a one-time thing. Instead, pay attention.
Chances are, your child is struggling and needs your help — no matter how they protest otherwise. After all, you’ve just caught them lying. It's reasonable to question what they're saying and why.
Seven things to do when kids tell a lie — so you don't overreact and push them away
1. Take a deep breath
You have every right to be angry, but you need your best parenting hat on for this. Losing your cool will only make it hard to think straight and cause you to speak to your child in a way they can’t hear.
If you need a few minutes to calm down or consult with your spouse, tell your child this and take the time you need to regroup.
Still, don't let yourself or your child off the hook. You have an opportunity here to make an impact, and your child deserves your best.
2. Realize lies should be taken seriously
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Because lying does sometimes work — especially with practice — it's subject to the most powerful behavioral reward that exists: intermittent reinforcement.
Like systems of behavioral reinforcement described by a study in the American Psychologist Journal, the learning theory suggests the random “rewards” (getting away with lying) generate the most consistent ongoing effort. In this case, more lies.
Not only is getting away with a lie exhilarating, but a random reward schedule powerfully motivates your child to keep at it.
While it might be hard to consider, looking for other evidence of lying can help you get a handle on how pervasive a coping strategy lying might be for them.
3. Understand it's not personal
Yes, they are deliberately defying something you asked — or told — them not to do. They have been disrespectful, violated your trust, and disregarded your family values.
But their choice to lie wasn’t fundamentally about you or primarily about defying you. The decision to lie was about them and their futile attempt to find an easier way to cope with a reality they don’t like or don’t think they can handle. A study in the Developmental Psychology Journal shows the majority of children begin lying at the age of 42 months and onward.
Keeping the focus on the child will help you get traction sooner.
4. Know they are also lying to themselves
Sure, they're deceiving you and whoever else they lie to, but they're also deceiving themselves.
It’s easy to confuse getting away with a lie with thinking it works, especially in a child’s mind, which is still developing and overly concrete, as supported by a study in the Child Development Journal. This means it can be hard for kids to understand long-term negative consequences when short-term gains are so prolific.
This is where you come in. Tell them some stories about people you know, illustrating what happens when people become known for lying or never learn how to be consistently truthful.
Pick something they care about (having friends, earning good grades, enjoying freedoms earned from trust), then explain how lying can jeopardize those things in the long run.
5. Recognize their cry for help
This is perhaps the hardest piece — recognizing their lying as a symptom of underdeveloped coping strategies. Even though they're making poor choices, remember they're not a bad kid and need to see they can do what is expected of them without cutting corners.
Do they need homework help? Do they need more of your time? Could they be depressed?
Once they know you understand what they're going through and want to help, they will be more willing to tell you the truth. Listen to what they say with their words and behavior, and commit to helping them.
6. Work with your child to determine the consequences
Administering consequences and limits are a key part of extinguishing unacceptable behavior. What do they need to help them not repeat the same mistake?
The best consequences are natural — meaning they relate directly to the infraction — and inherently inspire different choices. Involve your child. They know where their challenges are. It can be empowering for them to work with you to solve the problem.
For example, if they were watching Netflix on the computer instead of doing their homework, perhaps an appropriate consequence (assuming their homework requires a computer) would be losing freedom on the computer.
This could mean no headphones, no separate room, working with their back to you so you can see their screen, or increasing parental controls on the computer or internet.
7. Praise honest effort
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No matter what, be ready to praise the efforts your child makes to face their difficulties head-on rather than avoiding them. Every one. This is positive reinforcement and probably what they're craving most, as explained by an article in the Beyond Behavior Journal.
No parent wants to hear — or face — the fact their child is lying. And few of us are prepared to deal with it when it happens.
The reality is this is probably the closest you can come to understanding how your child is feeling — alone, frustrated, and forced to face something noxious.
Remember, a lying child doesn’t want to face what is in front of them any more than you do, and they don’t feel prepared, either... Use this awareness to your advantage in understanding your child’s experience.
Like with all parenting crossroads, it’s not so much about knowing what to do as it is about listening with your full attention to what is going on.
The hardest part is resisting the urge to do the very thing your kid is doing — turning away in avoidance, denial, and frustration. Instead, respond to your child’s call for help.
You don’t have to have all the answers; and you just have to show up and let your kids know they're not alone. You will figure this out together.
Dr. Alicia Clark has been a practicing psychologist for over 25 years and has been named one of Washington’s Top Doctors by Washingtonian Magazine. She is the author of Hack Your Anxiety: How to Make Anxiety Work for You In Life, Love, and All That You Do.