Parent Educator Reveals The 21 'Core' Reasons Kids Lie — And The Last One's A Doozy
Why do kids lie often when the truth would serve them better? The answer, revealed.
Kindel Media | Canva Do parents lie to their kids? Do kids tell lies? Why do we lie often when the truth would serve us better? According to a study, about 84 percent of American parents say they have lied to their kids.
We had friends and relatives at our home for a dinner party. After some great food and general conversation, I asked them to help me with this project.
Everyone was supportive and eager to assist in writing a book. But when I asked them why they lied, there was a shocked silence.
No one wanted to admit to the group that they lied as adults and as parents. They were eager to find solutions to their children telling stories or blaming other people, but hey, they were mature adults and surely, they had outgrown those behaviors, or at least they wanted everyone else to think they had.
I explained that developing integrity is an ongoing process, not only for children but for adults too.
When I confessed about telling a lie to an insurance agent who called for a number when I was busy preparing dinner, they were reassured: "Oh, you mean little lies; well sure we all do that."
So, I asked them to list the reasons why people would lie. We were able to come up with ten reasons. I later asked a group of children who were added to the list and repeated some of the same ones the adults had listed.
Here are 21 core reasons your kid lies:
1. To conceal guilt and avoid punishment
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2. To avoid ridicule, disapproval, or embarrassment
3. To impress others to win acceptance or approval
4. To get out of trouble
5. To get someone else into trouble
6. Because they were afraid of the punishment for admitting what they did
7. Because they were boasting or bragging
8. To get people to like us
9. To get people to leave us alone
10. They can’t remember what the truth is
11. They don’t want to assume responsibility
12. They think we won’t get caught
13. To make our lives seem more interesting
14. To inflate our credibility and influence
15. To avoid confrontation and conflict
16. To make others feel good about themselves
17. To get attention when we feel left out
18. To take advantage of other people or situations
19. To protect other people
20. To cover up another lie we told previously
21. Because it has become a habit
It was interesting to see how much more open and willing the children were to admit that they used lying as a life skill and as a way of coping with difficult situations.
Some children felt it was wrong, some had trouble defining a lie and some were confused by the messages they were getting from their parents.
It's not just children and parents who lie. According to a study from UW-La Crosse, 75% of the respondents claim to tell 0-2 lies a day. And the biggest reason for them to lie? To avoid people they didn't like.
Remember to distinguish between a lie, which is a persistent intent to deceive, and wishful thinking. Most young children have vivid imaginations and cannot think in abstract ways. Don't forget to teach your children about being honest when need be.
If a young child sees a friend with a new puppy, he may state, "Yes, we have a new puppy, too." He's not being deceitful, he's confusing fact with a fantasy.
He may have been begging for a dog, and his parents were non-committal. In his mind, maybe if he says it often enough and with much emphasis, it will indeed be true.
Casting the wide net of blame is often very common in young children. A mother in a parenting class shared that when she asked her 3-year-old daughter if she had wet her pants, she said, "No, I am potty trained. But my pants wet me."
Judy Helm Wright is a parent educator, family coach, and personal historian who has written over 20 books, and hundreds of articles and speaks internationally on family issues, including caregiving.