The Trauma Of Having A Pick-Me Mom
When your mom competes for male attention instead of protecting her child, the wounds run deep.
Juanmonino | Canva Editor's Note: This is a part of YourTango's Opinion section where individual authors can provide varying perspectives for wide-ranging political, social, and personal commentary on issues.
Lately, I’ve been noticing a weird habit among the people I’ve been watching online. I’ve been looking at Reddit threads, YouTube videos, and even TikTok confessions of adults who had parents who weren’t good to them.
Every abusive parent has a trail of destruction they leave behind them. Lately, I’ve been noticing a bigger trail of damage growing from women who prioritize finding (and keeping) a man over their kids. Houston, we have a Pick-Me Mom problem.
What's a Pick-Me Mom and why is it so traumatic?
Back in high school, girls who were always talking about boys, dating, and marriage were called “boy crazy.” Today, they’re called “Pick-Mes,” short for the FDS term, “Pick-Meisha.”
Pick-Mes have one goal in mind: they want to be picked and loved by a man, regardless of the cost. They don’t like other women because they view them as competition — and that often includes their daughters.
A woman is a Pick-Me mom when she puts down other women to prove to men she’s worth it, when she gives everything of herself for a guy who doesn’t like her, and when she doesn’t stand up for herself. Kids are not a Pick-Me mom’s priority; her man is. And she will often make sure kids know it through a wide range of ways.
What are the signs of A Pick-Me Mom?
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- She might sabotage her daughters or insist on a crazy level of covering up. Pick-Me moms often shame daughters. If she marries or dates a predator, she will blame her kids if the predator assaults them. Or, she may tell the kids to just let it happen because she doesn’t want to lose him.
- She may also abandon her children entirely because a man tells her to. This is scarily common. Heck, it’s also a behavior that helped spark the tale of La Llorona.
- Pick-Me moms also tend to treat their kids as a burden. Most of these women don’t want or like kids. They just have them because they help keep a man around and make her look like a “good woman” to others.
- Children are often used as pawns to keep men around or to keep praise coming. The child’s feelings, however, do not matter to women who happen to be Pick-Mes.
- If the Pick-Me mom has a son, he often ends up being a product of covert incest. This is where the “Boy Mom” issue tends to come out in full force. It’s sick, it’s twisted, and sons often don’t even realize they’re being abused until it’s too late.
We often talk about 'Daddy Issues,' but the trauma that comes with a Pick-Me Mom is even worse.
I do not have a Pick-Me parent. However, I am around a lot of people who have dealt with Pick-Me Moms and it can be hard to ignore the damage it does to kids. The long-term effects can be seen in a lot of ways.
Many kids with Pick-Me moms have abandonment issues, problems with self-loathing, issues with getting close to people or growing up with a scary amount of misogyny. From what I’ve seen, most girls who have Pick-Me moms go no-contact with them almost immediately after they turn 18. Girls who deal with this tend to be very family-oriented simply because they want to build the family they never really had growing up. Boys who have Pick-Me moms are a bit different.
Sometimes, they end up being victims of covert incest by the mom who might start seeing them as a potential date. So, they end up with a “Mother Dearest” vibe where they’re attached to their moms at the hip.
I don’t think I’m mincing words when I say this type of trauma can break a person. Not having a mom (or mother figure) who’s in your corner tends to open up a primal wound — a palpable one that is hard to ignore. It’s possible to heal from Pick-Me parenting, but it can take decades before it actually can happen.
Yes, single-parent homes can be rough, but why are we not talking about how bad double-parent households can be when you have a parent obsessed with validation? Though studies regularly show that single-parent households have kids who struggle, it’s still absolutely possible to have a great childhood with a single mom or single dad. I ought to know.
I see my friends do it well with their kids. When you’re literally the bottom priority of your mom (and likely your dad, if she’s prioritizing him over you, if you get my drift), you might not even have a parent figure to lean on. Your life is unstable because you have no one.
Why aren't we talking more about Pick-Me moms?
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To a point, we’re starting to get to the point where people are beginning to talk about what it’s like to have a mom prioritize men over her kids. That’s why I think Reddit seems to be filled with horror stories of moms defending rapists. And yet, the spotlight is still on deadbeat dads or “daddy issues.”
As a society, we’ve trained women to seek male validation — often at the price of their happiness, safety, and financial freedom. Perhaps the reason we’re so mum on the damage a Pick-Me mom does is because it’s proof of how toxic our society is toward women. My theory is simple: if we start talking about the damage being a Pick-Me does to kids, our society will have to confront how we condition women to see their value through men.
Our society is not ready to talk about that, is it? We encourage people to feel like they gain value through the people they are dating or married to. That’s not healthy. When people get too wrapped up in external validation, they become twisted versions of themselves.
Their insecurities rule them, making them toxic. Pick-Me moms are not unlike incels in that matter. They’re so obsessed with getting a partner, that they end up becoming the worst partners possible. And part of the reason we have so many moms like this is because society tells women they’re worthless without a man.
We’re only beginning to see the start of adult children calling out their moms for Pick-Meism.
From what I can tell, kids speaking up about their parents’ favoring of partners and dates is a fairly new thing. I’m for it. Parents need to hold themselves accountable for their failings — especially when they prioritize others over their kids.
The more children of Pick-Mes start to speak up, the more likely it is we’ll start to confront this issue head-on. More importantly, talking about this will help victims get help and may even encourage moms to think twice before bringing kids they don’t want into the world. After all, a child will not make a man marry you anymore. So if you’re thinking of becoming a mom because you want to keep a man, it’s wise to get the memo before you have children.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
