Using These 6 Tools When Talking To Teens Almost Guarantees They're Going To Listen Better
How to start conversations that matter a lot to you both.
Gladskikh Tatiana via Shutterstock Talking to teenagers isn't always easy. Miscommunication and misunderstandings occur so frequently, it feels like you're speaking different languages. Luckily, learning how to communicate effectively with your teen is possible and can keep you close during even the toughest times.
"I haven't said the right thing in the past two years," said one dad at a recent workshop of mine and he's far from alone. During the teen years, it can feel like the options for connection are either nagging, interrogating, or talking through a closed door. Is communication a lost cause? I don't think so.
Parents who care about their kids' future do these 6 things with their teenagers:
1. Meet them in the present.
It's essential to understand that at least some of what is happening here is developmental. The pre-frontal cortex, the part of the brain linked to planning and scheduling, is still under construction in the teen years. The teen years are mainly characterized by all the different developmental changes. The teen body is chaotic, and changes occur neurologically, psychologically, and biologically. Parents need better communication skills to stay connected to their teens in this chaotic moment.
For adults, a child's behavior from two weeks ago is still relevant, but in the teen's perception, they have moved on. Two weeks ago might as well have been a year ago. This is developmentally normal and you don't have to change this aspect of them!
Likewise, when we bring up the future, as in, "How are you going to get into college with grades like that?", it falls on deaf ears when you try to motivate a teen by referencing how their future selves can be improved, expect an eye-roll, or be told to back off.
Parenting tip: If you want to communicate better, embrace the fact that your teen does not live on the same timeline as you do. You'll earn bonus points if you can see the beauty in their vibrancy and more if you can join them on their timeline now and then. If not, try to keep things concrete now. Talk about this week and maybe next.
2. Navigate emotional highs and lows with patience.
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Back to brain development: Adolescents are governed by the emotional structures of the brain, which are housed in the limbic system.
The CEO of the limbic system is the part of the brain called the amygdala, a structure used to interpret danger. I mean this literally — the amygdala that used to perceive a threat from a tiger is now on the prowl for other risks, like your too-long look at your teen's pimply face!
Emotions run high without a developed, rational prefrontal cortex to keep the amygdala in check.
Brain scans show us the impact that this "voice" has on teens. When presented with an unremarkable stimulus in children and adults, the teen amygdala lights up. Where we hear a chime, they hear a gong.
Parenting tip: If you are trying to rationalize with your teen in this state, it's useless. Instead of trying to communicate, remind yourself, "This is the amygdala speaking," and wait until your teen's emotions have simmered.
3. Communicate with clarity and empathy.
Teens notice subtle body language and changes in tone, but because their brains are on high alert, they tend to misinterpret the meaning.
With a hint of concern, one of my clients asked her daughter, "Who is driving to the concert?" She responded, "Why don't you trust me?!" She detected something in her mother's tone but jumped to the worst conclusion.
Parenting tip: Dr. Wendy Mogelis's book Voice Lessons is full of tips on communicating with kids of any age and considering their development. If you haven't read it, remember that teens are keen detectors of judgment.
Judgment speaks louder than any praise.
4. Transition from dictator to coach.
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When kids are young, it's easy to communicate as an authority. You are the caregiver who protects and teaches them how to be in the world.
Adolescence marks the beginning of a relationship change, as your kids want independence and equality. When we communicate with teens as if they are young children, they may say things like, "You are such a control freak!" or they may stop talking to us at all.
Parenting tip: To avoid this communication trap, check yourself. Are you making assumptions about your teen without asking them to weigh in?
If so, try framing your communication with phrases like, "I'm curious about your take on this." Instead of assuming they need your help with homework, you can ask, "Do you need my help with anything?"
5. Ask questions that spark conversation.
Some teens I worked with recently told me that the adults in their lives, from their parents to guidance counselors, often asked, "Are you okay?" They collectively agreed that something is wrong with them and their peers that they aren't seeing.
While I just said they are bad interpreters, they have a point. Adults seem stressed out, and that stress is passed along to our kids without us even realizing it.
Parenting tip: I asked this insightful group of teens what kinds of questions they want to be asked, and here is a good answer: "When I hear my mom talk to her friends, she asks questions related to what her friend said." Teens want to be conversed with, not probed.
6. Don't try to make them be just like you.
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A girl I worked with recently said, "My mom is into meditation, so we all have to be into meditation. When I am freaking out, she tells me to take deep breaths! When I'm at a 10! Instead of just letting me vent, she immediately wants me to stop feeling what feels beyond my control."
Both the parent and the teen have a point in this example. Teens have wild emotions, which makes communication that much more challenging and a deep breath really can help.
But parents are accustomed to being in fixer mode, robbing their teens of the chance to vent. This is especially true if we fail to see that what works for us won't necessarily work for our kids. They are, after all, their own people and we need to respect that.
Parenting tip: Don't turn every conversation into a therapy session and try to dive deep or try to "fix" your kid. Instead, listen and then ask, "How can I help?"
If your teen says "I don't know!" try offering suggestions. Try saying, "Do you want a hug? I can also just listen or maybe distract you. We can also take some deep breaths together or do a 5-minute meditation track, if you want?"
7. Remember what it's like being young.
I know two highly successful parents who always try to help their sons become more organized and stop procrastinating. Fed up with their parents' never-ending "helpful suggestions," one of the boys said, "You do things well...for 45-year-olds. I'm 15!"
A parent's desire to help and fix comes from a desire to protect. But to a child, it's perceived as a lack of trust or faith.
Parenting tip: If your teen is doing well enough but behaves less than optimal, leave him alone. Acknowledging that his approach is working for him right now is a bonus.
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Now that you know what causes communication problems with parents and teens, you can shift even one of these habits. Your teen is under construction in almost every way, so this is why people may suggest not to take their behavior personally.
The teen years are a beautiful mess of a time, but stay connected to that mess.
Use a teen's ability to live in the moment to your advantage. If you are guilty of some of these communication misfires, it's not too late to change them. Two weeks from now, they won't remember your old ways!
Helaina Altabef is a coach and founder of Pique Learning, a program that prepared students with the necessary tools to thrive in an increasingly competitive world.