Therapist Reminds Grandparents That Their Grandchildren Are Not An Opportunity For A 'Parenting Do-Over'
Grandparents are not Mom and Dad 2.0.
Halfpoint | Shutterstock A licensed marriage and family therapist named Whitney Goodman is reminding grandparents to be aware of their role in family structures. She stressed that any grandparents who want to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives should always remember not to overstep boundaries, desperately trying to correct mistakes from the past.
Those grandchildren already have moms and dads, so grandparents should focus on being a loving support system and leave the parenting to their adult children.
A therapist said that grandparents should not view their grandchildren as parenting 'do-over.'
Goodman took to Instagram to share an important PSA with overbearing grandparents. Goodman claimed that many frustrated grandparents have reached out to her, saying that they want to see more of their grandkids and that their adult children are "withholding" them.
Instead of pressuring their adult kids to see more of their grandchildren, Goodman encouraged grandparents to focus on how they could improve their relationships with their existing adult children. She stressed that if they weren't seeing their grandkids as much as they would like to, there was likely a valid reason.
RuslanGuzov | Canva Pro
“If you cannot maintain a good, healthy, and solid relationship with the parent of that child, it’s very unlikely that they’re gonna let you have access to that child,” Goodman said. “It’s also extremely painful for adult children to watch their parents put in all of this time and effort into these little humans that they birthed and brought into this world, but not to put any time or attention or care into understanding their own child and the parent of that child [grandchildren].”
She pointed out that if grandparents want to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives and have loving relationships with them, they must also make an effort to have a solid and trusting relationship with their grandchildren's parents.
Grandparents who disregard boundaries often do not have strong relationships with their adult children.
Some grandparents struggle with the boundaries adult children set, especially with regard to their grandchildren. They assume that since they are the grandparents, they are entitled to access to their grandchildren whenever they please. However, parents are the judges of that decision since they are the ones raising the kids, no matter how much grandparents believe they have an equal say.
An annoyed grandparent recently wrote to the grandparenting blog More Than Grand to criticize their adult children’s boundaries when it comes to seeing their grandkids.“I’m so tired of hearing about boundaries. My son and his wife have all these rules about how and when we can see the baby, and we constantly have to bow to their schedule,” they shared.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock
“When I had children, we didn’t try to tell our parents what they could and couldn’t do. It seems like this generation of parents has no respect for their elders.” However, what this grandparent failed to understand is that respect needs to be earned. Just because you did things one way does not mean others are obligated to follow the same route.
Grandparents should prioritize healing their relationships with their adult children before trying to have a greater role in their grandchildren's lives.
Rather than assuming that you should have unlimited access to your grandchildren, you need to build a strong foundation with their parents. Being a grandparent is supposed to be fun. As long as their parents allow it, you should be able to spoil your grandchildren and spend time with them without the burden of parenting.
Grandparents who are using their grandchildren as a parenting do-over need to evaluate their role in their grandchildren’s lives and realize that they are focusing on the wrong children.
If their adult children are willing, they still have a chance to be the parents they wished they were and work on correcting their past mistakes.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.