Grandparents Who Say These 10 Phrases Usually Don’t Get To See Their Grandkids Often
Why they might not be seeing their grandkids as often as they’d like — and what it says about family dynamics today.
MAD_Production | Shutterstock In an ideal world, family members would quickly get along and be by each other's side for eternity. Unfortunately, life doesn't always work out the way. It's unfortunate, but grandparents usually don't get to see their grandkids for many reasons.
For some, long distances keep them from spending time with the kids. For others, tense relationships with the parents prevent them from stepping up as grandparents.
Knowing this, it's easy to spot when a grandparent isn't close to their grandchild. That said, what phrases should people be on the lookout for?
Grandparents who say these 10 phrases usually don't get to see their grandkids often:
1. ‘I hope you haven’t gotten too busy for me’
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The first phrase grandparents say when they don't see their grandkids often is, "I hope you haven't gotten too busy for me."
Whether it's a tense relationship with the parents or a long-distance relationship with their grandkids, grandparents who say this do so from a place of insecurity. It's sad, but deep down, these grandparents haven't been doing their best to bond with their grandchild.
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, they also understand that spending time with family members is crucial for bonding. It can also nurture valued identities and promote the idea that one's life is meaningful.
That said, it can feel like a hit the heart when a grandparent notices that their grandchild seems occupied with their life, causing them to say the infamous, 'I hope you haven't gotten too busy for me,' liner.
2. ‘I miss the times when you were smaller’
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When grandparents haven't seen their grandchild in a while, it causes them to reminisce about the 'good old days.' During the golden years, life was much simpler, and their grandchild was a lot less complicated. Unfortunately, times have changed since then, and their grandchild has grown into their own person.
For some grandparents, this means attempting to meet their grandchildren halfway and finding newer ways to create emotional bonds. But for others, it means struggling to see their grandchild as their present self and not their past self.
Negatively reminiscing on the past can be dangerous. According to a study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies, negative reminiscing led to an increase in depressive symptoms and reduced well-being.
3. ‘Remember when we did this together?’
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On the surface, asking, "Remember when we did this together?" may illicit some good memories or happy thoughts. Most people have great memories with their grandparents. But it's one phrase that people use that showcases just how absent they've been for the better part of their grandkid's life.
Digging deep into a memory likely means they don't have a current memory over which they can bond. As a result, they'll mention that they used to do arts and crafts with their grandkids to pull at their heartstrings.
Unfortunately, this type of 'bonding moment' doesn't always work. Depending on how this memory is stored, it can last from a few seconds to a few decades. Harvard University cited that short-term memories last 15-30 seconds, while long-term memories can be stored indefinitely.
So, if the grandparents haven't seen their grandchild in a while, it's best to assume that they don't remember much. Instead of being hyper-focused on the past, they should set their sights on creating memories in the moment.
4. ‘You’re growing up too fast’
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It can be bittersweet for grandparents to watch their grandkids grow from stumbling toddlers into grown adults. It happens fast, and for most of these people, the days of baking cookies or watching Disney movies have long since ended.
But if their grandparents didn't see much of their grandchild growing up, this 'growth spurt' can especially feel rushed.
They might even feel like they lost out, watching as time flies by in the blink of an eye. This is why grandchildren shouldn't feel too thrown off when their grandparents make these comments. In truth, they're simply missing the old days and wishing they had just a bit more time with them.
5. ‘You should listen to your elders; we know best’
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It can feel frustrating when a grandparent insinuates elders know best. Feeling demeaned, grandkids will likely chalk it up to being 'old people talk.' However, most grandparents don't say this with malicious intent. In fact, they say it to get their grandkids to pay attention and observe the lessons they've been trying to teach them.
Sadly, most grandparents understand how limited their time with their grandchildren is and want to pass on as much knowledge as possible. Additionally, they might say this because they know that time together is constrained, causing them to blurt out whatever 'wise words' come to mind.
Although people want to be helpful, they don't always learn from listening to others.
According to educational psychologist Molly M. Jameson, Ph. D., "You can watch a video, take a class, use an app, or read a book… but you have to have some kind of experience that causes the change in knowledge or behavior to happen." So, even though grandparents have the best intentions, it's best to keep the old wisdom for special occasions. Unfortunately, it won't settle all that well.
6. ‘Why you don't you come by more often?’
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Most parents don't like it when their children are out of sight. As a result, they'll limit the amount of alone time they spend with family members, including grandparents. Knowing this, it's unsurprising to hear grandparents say they are frustrated more time isn't being spent with them.
Whether their grandchild is old enough or not, they have already gotten into the habit of never spending one-on-one alone time with their family members. As a result, it can feel uncomfortable for them to stay the night when they've barely done it before.
This is why grandparents should be patient and spend time slowly building up their bond with their grandchildren. It's unfortunate, but the reality is that most people like things they're familiar with.
A study published in The Japanese Journal of Psychonomic Science involved Japanese and English speakers being exposed to Kana characters. The researchers found a moderate positive correlation between attractiveness and the frequency of exposure to the characters for Japanese speakers.
While Japanese speakers rated it attractive, the same could not be said about English speakers regarding visuals alone.
Though this study might seem 'random,' it demonstrates the mere exposure effect and how people will deem something more likable if they're familiar with it. It might do grandparents well to build first before attempting to invite their grandkids over. Otherwise, they might unintentionally cause unnecessary stress in the process.
7. ‘So, what do you like nowadays?’
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Grandparents who don't see their grandchildren often don't know anything about their interests. It's sad, but they haven't spent enough time bonding and figuring out who their grandchildren are.
As a result, these grandparents will ask the uncomfortable question, "So, what do you like nowadays?" On the surface, it might seem like they're genuinely interested. However, they're likely asking because they have zero clue on how to bond with their grandchild or, worse, have no idea what to get them.
This is why grandparents need to do their best to check in with their grandkids occasionally. Whether through the phone or a text message, keeping in touch will prevent these awkward questions from occurring.
8. ‘It’s been so long, I almost forgot what you look like’
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Saying, "It's been so long, I almost forgot what you look like," is a glaring sign of a grandparent who usually doesn't get to see their grandkids often.
If someone checks up on their family members often, drastic changes in appearance shouldn't come as a shocker. Whether it's a change in weight or height, these gradual changes won't be noticed by most people.
This is because people are known to have change blindness, according to professor of psychology Ira Hyman, Ph.D. As a result, someone having a haircut or a small growth spurt is likely to go undetected by most people.
But if it does, this is a massive indicator of someone who hasn't seen their grandkids in a long time.
9. ‘Did you forget about me?’
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Another phrase for grandparents who don't often get to see their grandkids is, 'Did you forget about me?' It's unlikely their kids and grandkids have actually forgotten they exist, but deep down inside, grandparents know if they've been lacking in communication and tend to deflect the blame on their family members to lessen the emotional blow.
Sometimes, it's easier for grandparents to ask, and they hope for a nice response — and maybe a bit of guilt — to get that conversation flowing again.
Unfortunately, these conversations don't always work in the grandparents' favor. Newer generations tend to be blunt and ruthless, so grandparents risk forgoing contact altogether if they don't tread lightly with this question.
Instead, better ways exist to re-establish communication with their younger kids and grandkids. A study published in Advances in Child Development and Behavior found that 15% of children have a poor working memory. Knowing this, grandparents can forego the guilt and pressure of blaming the kids for not reaching out and choosing to be the instigators of communication themselves. Take the first step to reach out and let the guilt go.
10. ‘You probably don’t remember since it’s been so long’
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Finally, grandparents who say, 'You probably don't remember since it's been so long,' usually don't get to see their grandkids often.
There are many reasons why grandparents aren't able to visit their grandchildren. Sometimes, they can't help but go away for long periods. However, staying up to date and recreating those memories through technology or social media is a great way to keep traditions alive.
Right now, the iPhone allows users to screen share and watch movies together in the comfort of their homes. Furthermore, there are plenty of apps people can use to invoke similar feelings or activities.
At the moment, this might seem like a lot of work (and a significant learning curve) for all parties involved. However, bonding and finding ways to keep the relationship alive will prevent distance or resentment from brewing.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.