Newly Estranged Adult Child Admits They Live With Guilt & Fear Of Punishment After Going ‘No-Contact’ With Their Parents
Making the decision to go no-contact with family is never easy.
yacobchuk | Canva Pro Adults who are estranged from their relatives know how hard it is to finally let their family go for the sake of their own peace. While this decision can lead to significant healing and growth in the long run, the process of getting there is challenging.
One newly estranged adult child admitted they’re living with guilt and fear following their decision to go ‘no-contact’ with their parents.
In the r/estrangedadultchild Reddit post, the adult explained they’re only five hours post-estrangement and feel as though a part of them died with their decision.
“I feel like I've been gutted. I just feel so empty. Running through every worst-case scenario. Like I'm expecting some sort of punishment,” they wrote candidly. “I feel so out of control and scared. Does it get better? When?”
fizkes | Shutterstock
Despite the relief and liberation that comes with going no-contact with toxic family members, it’s not uncommon for adults to experience feelings of guilt and fear after doing so. This is because no one ever wants to cut their family out of their lives — we all crave that unity and connection with our relatives.
But when your biological family’s involvement in your life is only contributing to the downfall of your mental and emotional well-being, sometimes the decision to let them go is the only way to focus on healing and finding peace within yourself. Sometimes, our true families lie in our connections with others.
For an adult to feel so much guilt and fear of punishment after their ultimate decision to go no-contact only highlights just how much trauma and manipulation they likely had to endure.
“For reference, yes, I'm in therapy — yes, I see my therapist tomorrow. I'm also one of the lucky ones with a great support system/found family,” the person added.
Reddit users praised the adult for having the courage to choose their peace and assured them these feelings would pass.
They offered empathy and advice to help the estranged adult work through the beginning of this challenging adjustment. They assured them it would get easier and to focus on activities that could nourish their relationship with themselves and their found family.
“You did the right thing. You’re probably in fight-or-flight mode right now. That’s OK,” one person commented on the post. “Do something nice for yourself. Go for a walk, take a hot bath, eat something full of salt and sugar and unhealthy goodness. This, too, shall pass. You did it. You got through today. And you never have to do today again.”
Dragana Gordic | Shutterstock
“Today, your first day, is like the epicenter of an earthquake,” another person suggested. “Every day will be another step away from the epicenter. Eventually, you’ll get far enough away to wonder why you would ever go back to living on a fault line.”
Others compared the experience of becoming estranged from toxic parents to grieving the loss of parents, as going no-contact similarly signifies the end of any connections or memories.
“In many respects, cutting them out of your life completely creates many of the same effects of them dying — no sharing small moments, no calling them for major life events, no sharing holidays. The grief response is very, very similar, and you will be grieving for a long time,” someone else commented. “But, as many here have shown, it does ameliorate over time, and you keep discovering parts of yourself you buried. It's a long, strange, painful process, but it does ultimately end up with healing.”
After reading through their comments, the estranged adult edited their post to thank everyone for their support.
They shared how many of the comments made them cry, and everyone’s relatable experiences of estrangement reassured them of their decision.
“I feel one percent lighter today than I did yesterday, so hopefully, things will continue in that direction,” they wrote.
According to a survey conducted by Cornell University, 40% of adults in the U.S. have been estranged by a parent or other family relative, either temporarily or permanently.
While some parents do have the potential to grow and take accountability for their actions, many don’t, and they continue to blindly act on their toxic habits, not realizing just how much damage they’re causing.
For many estranged adults, the only viable solution to finding peace is to cut these individuals out of their lives altogether. If a parent can’t see how their actions are negatively affecting their kids, and there’s nothing the kids can do to get their parents to become aware of it, why continue allowing it to harm them?
Choosing to cut ties with your parents is not an easy thing to do, no matter how much pain they’ve caused you. But as many of the commenters pointed out, this change will gradually serve your highest purpose in the end, allowing you to gain clarity and insight over your conditioned behaviors and coping mechanisms. With therapy, individuals can grow to appreciate their courage to choose themselves.
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team based in Orlando, FL. She covers lifestyle, human-interest, adventure, and spirituality topics.