5 Subtle Clues A Man's Parents Low-Key Adore You, According To Psychology
If you're picking up on these subtle signals, chances are his parents are already picturing you in the family holiday card.
Rido | Canva Meeting your significant other’s parents for the first time is a big deal. I know. I’ve had several of those meetings myself. I’m also old enough to have met my son's and daughter’s significant others for the first time.
Since most first meetings are more formal, observing subtle cues can differentiate expected good manners and politeness from knowing that a man's parents genuinely like you.
Here are the subtle clues that a man parent's low-key adore you:
1. They're attentive and engaged
Monkey Business Images via Shutterstock
People who like one another engage the people they like and tend to ignore the people they don’t like, as supported by a study of the motivations for being rejected versus being ignored in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. If one parent assumes the duties of the gracious host and the other parent is watching television, working on the computer, or is otherwise engaged when you are present, then sends a strong signal that either one or both parents don’t like you.
If I like the person my child brings home, I will take an active interest in them. I will sit with them at the kitchen table and give them my full attention. I will make sure they have enough to eat and drink. I will actively take a personal interest in what they say and do.
2. They ask a lot of questions
G-Stock Studio via Shutterstock
The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology showed "It doesn’t hurt to ask, [because] question-asking increases liking." People who like other people are curious. They want to know all about the person they like, especially when they meet someone for the first time.
If I like the person my son or daughter brings home, I will ask a lot of questions about what the person does, where they grew up, what their future goals are, how they spend their spare time, and how they first met my son or daughter.
Answering a barrage of questions may seem like the third-degree and signal dislike, but this is untrue. Think about the first time you met a person you liked. I’ll bet you asked and answered 100 questions to get to know the person better.
The more I like a person, the more questions I ask them.
3. They talk about you meeting other family members
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
A good sign of parents liking you is when they reference future meetings with absent family members. This reference indicates they anticipate a future meeting with you, and are visualizing you being integrated into the family.
4. They give you an 'Introduction plus'
Jacob Lund via Shutterstock
If you attend a social gathering or a family function and your significant other's parents make an “Introduction plus,” that indicates they like you, as explained by a paper in Communication Monographs.
For example, “This is Tim. He’s Brooke’s boyfriend. He’s a lawyer from San Francisco” is an introduction plus a personal description. First, the parents acknowledge acceptance by associating you with your significant other. Second, the parents want others to know what their significant other does.
Compare the “Introduction Plus” with a simple introduction.
For example, “This is Tim.” There is no acknowledgment as to how Tim is associated with the family or any acknowledgment of who Tim is as a person. This type of introduction is not a good sign. The worst way a parent can introduce a significant other is by referencing past relationships. For example, “This is Tim. He’s Brooke’s new boyfriend. Did I tell you she broke up with Frank? We liked him.”
This type of introduction is a huge red flag that the parents don’t like you.
5. They make specific plans to meet again
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
An article about language as a social cue in the Annual Review of Psychology supported that making plans signals that parents like you. People who don’t like someone will not make plans with them, much less suggest the possibility for fear the person they don’t like may accept. These invitations typically occur as you and your significant other walk toward the door.
Goodbyes that signal acceptance usually include comments such as “We are looking forward to seeing you at Christmas. We’ll hang a stocking with your name on it on the mantel,” “We’re having a birthday party next week, please come,” or “We’re having a barbecue next week. We’d love to have you attend.”
Specific invitations to future events, especially family gatherings, are a definite signal. Another signal is when both parents walk you to the door to say goodbyes. The like signal becomes stronger if one or both parents walk you out the door and to the car.
The first meetings I had with my children's significant others were more intense because I was a behavioral analyst for the FBI. This fact often turned the meetings into well-choreographed encounters. After the first meetings, the feedback I got from my children was that their significant others were not sure if my wife and I liked them.
In some cases, we didn’t like the person they brought home, but in most cases, we did. The anxiety of not knowing can be alleviated if you watch for key verbal and nonverbal cues that your significant other’s parents like or dislike you.
Jack Schafer, Ph.D., is a retired FBI Special Agent, behavioral analyst, and professor at Western Illinois University in the Law Enforcement and Justice Administration. He is the author/co-author of six books, has published many articles in professional journals, and is a contributor to Psychology Today and Inc.
