Stepmom Asks How To Give Her Stepson The Unconditional Love He Deserves Despite Not Feeling It For Him
Is faking it enough?
khanfus | Shutterstock Blended families often present emotional challenges, especially when it comes to the stepparent-child relationship — if you've seen the "Blended" movie with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler, you know exactly what we're talking about.
A guilt-ridden stepmom turned to Slate's Care and Feeding advice column to share her struggle with loving her 14-year-old stepson. Despite having a good relationship with him on the surface, she confessed that she doesn't truly love him. She has raised him since he was seven, and he calls her “Mom,” but despite her best efforts, she doesn’t feel the unconditional love she believes he deserves. As a result, she feels guilt and resentment towards herself for failing to bond with him emotionally. She worried that her true feelings might be impacting him subconsciously, and she went so far as to question whether she should leave her husband so he could find a better mother for the teen.
A stepmother confessed that despite her best efforts, she has never felt love for her stepson.
The stepmom’s dilemma stemmed from her desire to love her stepson, but she confessed she had been unable to create that deep connection. She recalled going through the motions of parenting — spending time with him, buying him things, and engaging in his life — but she didn't feel the same attachment she has with her biological children.
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She wrote, "He is smart, bright, funny, and generous, and he has a heart of gold. He deserves to have present, loving parents as much as every single kid out there does. And yet, I do not love him." She furthered, "I do the things, buy the stuff, spend the time, ask the questions, try to engage. And I feel none of it. I know the difference because his father and I have our own biological children now, and what my heart feels for my own is everything that I don’t feel for my stepson."
The lack of this emotional connection has made her feel guilty, and she questions her worth as a mother figure. Despite his age and maturity, she’s concerned that her stepson subconsciously feels the disconnect, which has led to a constant cycle of self-loathing.
An emotional connection does not simply appear simply because you become a stepparent.
It’s important to know in life that you won’t always form a deep emotional bond right away; this includes relationships with children. Stepparenting is a complex journey, and it's unrealistic to expect immediate and unconditional love to just appear.
It's important to have patience with yourself and your stepchild, as well as acknowledge that building trust and emotional connection takes time. The best approach is to focus on creating a safe, supportive, and consistent environment for your stepchild. You may not feel the same bond right away, but your continued presence and actions are still meaningful.
Stepmother and Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents podcast host Maarit, explained, "There's no rule that says you have to love your stepkids. As much as society loves to pressure stepparents into believing they must immediately, unquestioningly, unconditionally love their stepkids from day one, this is NOT the typical stepparent's experience." The most important message Maarit shared, however, was that the feelings don't matter, but trying and showing up do. She shared, "It doesn't matter how much you love your stepkid. It doesn't even matter whether you love your stepkid. All that matters is that you're a good stepparent to your stepkid, which you can be regardless of your feelings for them or their feelings for you. Just show up and keep showing up. That's all you gotta do."
For example, nurturing your stepchild's interests, supporting them in their struggles, and celebrating successes can all reinforce a bond that doesn’t necessarily require the same emotional intensity as biological love but is still rooted in deep care and respect. And the beauty in this instance is that this stepmom, for all her guilt, is doing exactly what she should.
Being a stepmom isn't easy and it's okay for this mom to raise the flag and seek some professional help.
The stepmom's guilt is a major emotional hurdle. Feeling inadequate as a stepparent can be isolating, but it’s important to practice self-compassion. And hey, stepparenting doesn’t have to be perfect, just like parenting itself is never perfect. What matters in the end is the effort and intention you put into the relationship with your stepchild.
If you’re struggling with guilt or frustration, seeking professional support can be incredibly helpful. A therapist who specializes in family dynamics or stepparenting can help you process these feelings of guilt and resentment. Therapy can also guide you through how to manage your emotional struggles without feeling like you're failing as a parent.
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As a stepparent, it's important to remember that the emotional bond you hope for may not come naturally or immediately, and that's okay. Even if the love doesn’t feel like it’s “perfect,” your presence and care are important and impactful. By taking small steps to build trust and compassion, stepparents can create healthy relationships with their stepchildren.
Remember, there is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to stepparenting, and nothing will ever be perfect, what matters is the effort you put into creating a healthy relationship with your stepchild.