Mom Admits She Loves Her Stepchild And Biological Child Differently
Loving kids in different ways isn't a bad thing.
Jonathon Borba / Pexels A mom wrote to the English parenting forum Mumsnet, detailing the intricacies of her inner world as a primary parent to both her stepchild and her biological child.
She noted that she was prepared to care for her stepson when entering into her relationship with her husband, yet feels as though some of her emotional capacity has shifted since having a biological child.
The mom revealed that she loves her stepchild and biological child differently.
She noted that she “absolutely and very deeply” cares about her stepson, explaining, “I genuinely love watching him grow and feel proud of his accomplishments. However, it doesn’t compare to the love I have for my own.”
She reported wishing for a different version of her reality, stating, “I now wish my partner didn’t have a child, as taking care of and managing both their schedules tires me out, and for this reason, I couldn’t imagine having a third, which makes me sad — that I don’t want a second ‘because of’ [my] stepchild, I will only have one biological, which I never imagined.”
“It makes me very sad thinking I’ll only have two children I don’t hold the same emotional love for,” the mom said. “I wish I’d be pouring all my efforts into two I truly loved equally.”
She acknowledged that there were vivid silver linings to her stepson’s presence, such as the “utterly heartwarming” sibling relationship between her two kids. Yet she also recognized that even witnessing those moments makes her heart hitch a little, explaining, “I catch myself wishing I’d be experiencing it with two biological kids.”
Photo: Pixabay / Pexels
She explained that she didn’t want to seem “heartless,” especially because she is a stepdaughter to a stepmom she adores.
The mom noted that both of her kids are amazing, yet the love she has in her heart differs for each of them.
She reported experiencing an element of sadness and regret, saying, “I feel like I’ve robbed myself of the family dynamic I now crave, which I never knew I wanted until I had my own.”
There’s a certain level of bravery in this mom’s honest admission of feeling different levels of love for her kids. Despite her concern that she’s "heartless" for her feelings, the reality is that most parents, if not all parents, love their children in different capacities.
Photo: August de Richelieu / Pexels
The mom comes to her situation, in part, due to her own lived experience — being a stepdaughter has informed her actions, in that she provides daily care and affection to her stepson. She’s not saying that she doesn’t love him; she’s just saying she loves him differently than the child she carried for nine months.
Sharing her guidance for stepparents working to make the adjustment to a healthy blended family, therapist Lindsey Boes explains that stepchildren are resilient and learn to adapt and "deal with change." They are generally more flexible and understand differing perspectives simply because of their circumstances.
She also notes the value of modeling different forms of love. This is especially significant for stepchildren observing a biological parent in a loving relationship after a separation.
As kids will always be their own unique, separate people, it’s not entirely equitable to expect parents to love their children in the same exact way. All forms of love are different, yet that reality doesn’t erase or negate the love that exists.
Parents and caregivers love their children for who they are as individuals. This mom’s stepson holds qualities and experiences that her biological child inherently doesn’t have, and vice versa.
Acknowledging that there’s a difference in the depth of her emotional capacity for her kids doesn’t make her a bad parent. It makes her an honest one.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers parenting, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.