Sister Asks If She’s Obligated To Return Money Her Brother Gifted Her Before They Had A Falling Out
"I would be more comfortable burning the money than returning it."
Dikushin Dmitry | Shutterstock A woman questioned if it is morally right for her to keep money that she was given by her brother before the pair of siblings became estranged. She shared her story to Slate's money advice column, Pay Dirty, seeking advice.
She asked if she's obligated to return money her brother gifted her before they had a falling out.
"My brother settled a lawsuit, netting him around $300,000 in a lump sum plus additional monthly payments for life," she explained in her post. "Out of the blue, he gifted me $5,000 from his settlement."
Unfortunately, soon after, the siblings had a falling out. Their relationship became so strained that she didn't attend his daughter's wedding. She then received a text from her sister-in-law requesting that she return the gifted money.
Ekateryna Zubal | Shutterstock
"I would be more comfortable burning the money than returning it," she admitted. "I do not foresee a reconciliation with my brother. Is there a moral argument in favor of me returning the gift?"
The money was a gift and she shouldn't have to return it.
A gift is a gift. Once you give someone something, they are entitled to keep it, regardless of the state of your relationship. It certainly goes against etiquette to demand it back.
Moreover, if her brother really wanted the money returned, then he should've called and had a conversation with his sister instead of using his wife as a middleman.
The woman was encouraged to send a 'firm but polite' response to her sister-in-law.
In response to her dilemma, Slate's advice columnist, Kristin Wong, insisted that she shouldn't have to give the money back. "In my book, a gift is a gift," she wrote. "You can’t place strings like this on a gift."
She did, however, have a caveat. If the woman was the cause of her and her brother falling out, then Wong suggested returning the money to repair the relationship. "If you feel you’ve done something terribly wrong, giving him the money back might be a good faith gesture," she said. "But it’s unlikely that a few thousand dollars will stand in the way of the two of you ever speaking again, if there is any chance of that happening."
Wong encouraged the woman to send a response to her brother's wife along the lines of, "I hope we can put this all behind us someday, but this was a gift, and I intend to keep it." Or, if she felt uncomfortable saying that, she could say that the money had been spent already and leave it at that.
At the end of the day, the money was a gift and she shouldn't feel obligated to return it. It's sad that their relationship has been damaged, but a true gift shouldn't come with stipulations.
"Whatever you do, don’t burn that money," Wong added. "And, hopefully, you won’t burn a permanent bridge with your brother, either."
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.