6 Signs You Were An Emotionally Immature Parent And Your Kids Suffered The Consequences
Not being mature enough as a parent means your children will suffer for it.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock Emotional maturity is a trait that the best parents have mastered. It allows parents to focus on their children, control their reactions, and acknowledge their kids' emotions in a healthy manner.
However, having a child doesn't automatically make an adult emotionally mature. Some parents are emotionally immature, and this directly impacts their children throughout their entire lives, often resulting in kids who suffered the consequences as adults because they were raised by such parents.
Here are signs you were an emotionally immature parent and your kids suffered the consequences:
1. You threw temper tantrums
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Strong emotions, like anger, sadness, or embarrassment, often overwhelm emotionally immature parents. Instead of coping and acknowledging these feelings, they throw tantrums and take their unpleasant emotions out on other people — their children included.
This can create an unstable environment, especially for young children, because the threat of an outburst is ever-present. Whether you’re chatting at dinner or getting in trouble for being a teenager, you’re living on the edge, always worried that your parent will lash out.
In adulthood, anger, frustration, and yelling may be overwhelming for you, even in small, healthy doses. You might also seek control in relationships — either through self-sabotaging or emotional detachment. After all, if you don't get too invested or involved, then they can't hurt you.
2. You relied on another parent to emotionally regulate
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As psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera demonstrated in her TikTok, emotionally immature parents often rely on the support of a spouse or child to regulate their emotions.
Hand in hand with throwing temper tantrums, these emotionally immature adults never learned to manage uncomfortable emotions and rely on others to do so for them. They likely blame others for their feelings and struggle to navigate daily conflict, something inevitable in a family with kids.
If you were the partner tasked with regulating an emotionally immature parent — or simply witnessed your partner doing so — you might find yourself doing the same for partners in adulthood. You likely feel a sense of responsibility for other people's emotions, leading you to people-please or become an emotional support blanket of sorts.
Emotionally immature parents who struggle with emotional regulation can negatively impact their children's development, leading to issues like trouble with emotional regulation, low self-esteem, and relationship problems. A 2021 study revealed that these parents may rely on the other parent to emotionally regulate, potentially creating an unstable and unpredictable environment for the child.
3. You resorted to silent treatments or petty phrases
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Kids need reassurance, comfort, and stability from their parents. However, emotionally immature parents are unable to provide that, often resulting in a form of neglect and abandonment.
While they might be physically present, making meals, paying bills, and attending soccer games, their emotional stability and support are nearly void.
Many emotionally immature parents resort to petty and emotionally abusive tactics like the silent treatment to get what they want or to “prove a point” to their kids. No matter their objective, this kind of treatment always negatively affects children who often resort to attention-seeking behaviors or clinginess to get attention from their parents.
4. You took everything personally
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Kids, by definition, are not yet mature and will act out from time to time. Emotionally immature parents take this as a personal slight.
Lacking the emotional intelligence needed to investigate strong feelings in a more “big picture” way, they take everything their children do personally. From forgetting a chore to sneaking out or failing a test, they die on every hill, attacking their kids as punishment.
As a result, in adulthood, you might find yourself to be overly adamant about communication or constantly anxious about hurting or offending others.
Emotionally immature parents, who often take everything personally, can negatively impact their children's emotional development, leading to issues with self-esteem, boundaries, and relationship skills. According to a 2017 study, children raised by emotionally immature parents may develop insecure attachment styles, struggling with trust, intimacy, and emotional regulation in relationships.
5. You withheld praise or offered love based on achievements
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Conditional love potentially leads to feelings of unworthiness and difficulties in self-acceptance. Children may internalize the message that they are only valuable when they achieve.
This may lead you to enter relationships and other areas of life with a focus on performance and validation from others rather than genuine connection. You might also struggle to accept yourself as you are, constantly striving to live up to external expectations.
6. You resorted to anger instead of empathy
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Intertwined with their tendency towards tantrums and their inability to emotionally regulate, emotionally immature parents also lack empathy towards their children. When they’re frustrated, sad, or anxious, all of those emotions spiral into rage.
Often fearing vulnerability around their children — especially for parents who were taught to maintain composure and superiority over their families — these parents turn reactive during arguments or when their needs aren’t met.
This often breeds overcompensating children who search for their parents in partners, friends, and mentors. As LePera put it, these kids learn that “it's fine to end up with a partner who doesn't take accountability for the way they impact the people around them.”
According to a 2019 study, children raised by emotionally immature parents lacking empathy may struggle with emotional regulation, self-esteem, and forming healthy relationships, potentially leading to mental health issues and insecure attachment styles in adulthood. Children may learn to prioritize others' needs over their own to gain validation or avoid conflict.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.