12 Lethal Habits Of Parents Who Often Push Their Adult Kids Away From Them
Red flags you were raised by an emotionally abusive parent.
Oliver Ragfelt | Unsplash I've seen the effects of emotionally abusive parents on their children, and the consequences for those children when they become adults are not pleasant. The "funny" thing I've noticed about people who have been abused by their mother or father is the child doesn't realize they have an emotionally abusive parent, or they claim it's "not that bad."
If any of these lethal habits are true for you, you may need to rethink your role with your mother or father. The decision to cut out a parent has many challenges. Going no contact can give you space to heal, but it also presents various difficulties such as: fall out from family, cultural stigma, and complex emotions to navigate.
Often, people who have survived a toxic upbringing develop maladaptive coping mechanisms. Recognition is not only the first step to healing from childhood trauma but can also take a shockingly long time to happen. If you want to get a head start on recognizing the signs of parental emotional abuse that push adult kids away from their parents, keep reading.
Here are the lethal habits of parents who often push their adult kids away from them:
1. They only 'love' you if you do what they told you
This is one of the most common indicators of emotional abuse I've seen, and it's especially evident among abusive mothers. Love is not supposed to be conditional. Every parent knows that their kids want their love and approval.
Not every parent will withdraw love, acceptance, and affection because their child stepped out of line. This kind of behavior can mess up a kid, or even a full-grown adult. If you feel like your mom or dad only loves you when you are exactly what they demand you to be, you've got an abusive parent.
2. They regularly exhibit toxic behavior
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Though you might think otherwise after checking out some of the more messed up comments you'll see on OKCupid, most people still have some scraps of manners they practice. They will not speak up when they notice something messed up going on in your family because they don't want to make you upset.
I've personally noticed that people only really will tell you someone is toxic or abusive when they get very concerned about your well-being. If you regularly hear people say your mom or dad is toxic, you probably have an abusive parent.
3. They make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells
Everyone tends to dislike upsetting their parents, but what you need to think about is the order of magnitude. In an abusive relationship, most victims feel a certain level of terror at the potential of upsetting the abuser because of the outcome it would have on them.
Do you find yourself scared that your mom will berate you, scream at you, and tell you you're worthless? Do you worry your dad will publicly humiliate you or withdraw financial support at the slightest provocation? If the idea of saying "no" to your parents makes your stomach drop, you're being abused.
A persistent fear of upsetting a parent can lead to significant negative consequences, including increased anxiety, difficulty making independent decisions, low self-esteem, people-pleasing behaviors, social withdrawal, and even depression, mainly when this fear stems from a controlling or overly critical parenting style.
2022 research explained that the child may feel constantly on edge, prioritizing their parent's emotions above their needs and desires, hindering their personal growth and development. Seeking professional help can equip individuals with coping mechanisms to manage their anxieties and develop healthier communication patterns with their parents.
4. They regularly belittle you, criticize you, and put you down
Emotional abuse is verbal abuse in most cases. If your parent regularly calls you names, criticizes you, makes fun of you, or belittles you, she's abusing you.
Parents are not supposed to treat their kids that way. It is not okay. From what I've seen, most abusive parents will either backpedal or turn it around as the victim's fault when called out on this. So, no, the explanation they give you that they were "just being honest," and that you got them angry doesn't excuse it.
5. They make you feel weak and powerless
Abusers are people who enjoy making others feel powerless. They like controlling others and ruling with an iron fist. To keep the power they have over others and make themselves feel big, they do whatever they can to tear others down.
When your parent is the abuser, you'll often know because you'll notice a tendency they have to make you feel insecure, helpless, and worthless without their approval. It's just the way abuse is!
6. They force you to tiptoe around them
Abusive relationships aren't that different from one another in this sense. Whether it's a parent or a lover, most abusive relationships will involve one person being terrified of upsetting the other and actively avoiding saying anything that could set them off.
Do you feel like your mother or father is a ticking time bomb? You are most likely being abused.
Constantly feeling the need to tiptoe around a parent, often referred to as eggshell parenting, can lead to significant negative consequences for a child's emotional well-being, including heightened anxiety, low self-esteem, difficulty with healthy relationships, and a tendency to prioritize others' emotions over their own. A 2023 study concluded that this is often due to the stress of constantly monitoring and adapting to their parent's mood swings or volatile behavior.
7. They have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or some other kind of personality disorder
Now, I'm not saying that all people who have personality disorders are abusive, but there's a correlation in a lot of cases. This is especially true when you're dealing with narcissism or antisocial types of personality disorders.
If your mother or father has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, or if they show a lot of symptoms of it, chances are you are dealing with some level of emotional abuse.
8. They are the reason you and your ex broke up
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I see this behavior a lot more with men than with women, but it's possible to see it with both genders. Some abusive parents really can't handle seeing their children potentially leave the roost or have happiness away from them. So, they sabotage the relationships until the partner leaves.
9. They blame you for how they feel or what they do
Do they say it's your fault they act the way they do? Is everything always your fault, but never theirs? Your parent is abusive.
Parents who have healthy relationships with their kids don't act like their kids are responsible for their unhealthy mental state. Your job is not to make them happy.
When a parent frequently blames their child for their own emotions, it can lead to significant negative consequences for the child's mental health, including low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, difficulty regulating emotions, and a tendency to people-please in adult relationships, as the child may internalize the belief that their actions directly cause others' negative feelings—learning to see themselves as the source of others' distress.
A 2023 study suggested that if you are experiencing adverse effects from parental blaming, therapy can be a valuable tool to address the emotional wounds and develop coping mechanisms.
10. The guilt trips are real and, at times, insane
A lot of moms will use guilt as a way to keep kids in line, and yes, it works. However, if you find yourself feeling like a horrible person for expressing your feelings, doing everyday things, or even just growing up to be a healthy adult, you have a problem parent.
Guilt trips are not a healthy way to maintain control. It's a good way to cause lasting damage.
11. They're extremely critical
We all hear about that one parent who never is pleased with their kids, even when they are overachievers. Never getting praise while constantly being torn down is often a sign of abuse. It may be intentional, or it may be mistaken. Either way, it's time to talk to someone and look into a low-contact relationship.
12. They've ruined important moments on purpose or stirred up drama just to drag you down
At weddings, you can tell who an abusive parent by their demanding and unreasonable behavior is. It is important to point out, that the guests at a wedding never judge the bride for an out-of-control parent. However, you can use this as a clear sign that you are dealing with an emotionally abusive parent.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.