Screen-Time Made My Kids Lazy & Entitled, But I Found The Remedy
With limited technology, my kids are happier than they have ever been.
Brooke Cagle | Unsplash, Yulia Lisitsa | Canva Editor's Note: This is a part of YourTango's Opinion section where individual authors can provide varying perspectives for wide-ranging political, social, and personal commentary on issues.
Gone are the days when children played outside and used their imagination. My kids are no exception. The unmoderated use of smart TVs and tablets spurred a behavior in my children that would have horrified my parents. But I found the solution, which wasn’t any New Age theory.
I realized my children didn’t need to be distracted; they needed parenting. They needed structure, boundaries, and discipline. That parental effort was my goal from the outset, but the chaos of parenting swallowed me whole and prompted me to bend my values.
When my kids were babies, my wife and I vowed never to tame them with screen time like the “lazy parents” do. But after having three children, our pretentious aspirations faded into a desperation for peace. With children came more bills, more stress, and less time to unwind. To reclaim our individuality, my wife and I waved the white flag, installed smart TVs in our kid's rooms, and gave them their own tablets.
We got the reprieve we desired momentarily, but our concession resulted in a plethora of new problems. My kids became spoiled and disrespectful as they got older, and parenting became more challenging.
The attitude change
What were once rambunctious and overbearing — yet still sweet — children became moody and disrespectful kids who took every opportunity to back-talk. Before they had unlimited access to screen time, the kids were balls of energy who vied for every moment of my wife and I’s attention, but nothing out of the norm for their age. We love our children, and they’ve always been our priority; however, we were overwhelmed and needed time for ourselves during the day.
We thought that by swaying from our original vow against screen time we would find more peace and balance, but when we introduced the kids to technology, we opened ourselves to a world of new challenges.
They became less affectionate: Their calls for “Huggies” turned into “Leave me alone!” My daughter stopped visiting our bedroom for nighttime hugs and conversation, and when I would venture into her room, she would peer over my shoulder, never breaking eye contact with her TV. She ignored me when I told her I loved her and would declare, frustrated, “Daddy, I’m trying to watch my shows!”
My son stopped skipping toward me with his arms out to signal for a hug. Instead, he would push out of my embrace and pull away from me before dragging his feet back to his digital oasis. He was equally disinterested in conversation and regularly ignored me while he stared at his tablet.
They lost interest in playing: Both my son and my daughter spent the majority of their time watching TV or playing games on their tablet while their toys collected dust. Neither of them was interested in playing with each other anymore. While the fighting and tearing through the house that previously drove my wife and me crazy had stopped, we could feel their sibling bond diminishing. They lost their curiosity. They were no longer pretending, questioning, or imagining.
They were technology-dependent: Both kids were unwilling to self-stimulate and relied solely on screen time to do so. When my wife and I limited their access to technology as a punishment, they screamed, threw themselves on the floor, and cried incessantly.
They were frequently negative: They moped and rarely laughed. My son often saw the worst of every situation and slumped his shoulders with a drooped face. At eight years old, he acted like a moody teenager. The energy that they both exuded had dissipated along with their enthusiasm about life.
They became entitled and lazy: Both kids met anything my wife and I asked them to do with rebellion and combatants. They refused to pick up after themselves and spiraled into tantrums at the mere request. They indulged in self-pity and called my wife and me mean and told us we were making their life hard because we expected them to clean their room.
They were disrespectful: Besides refusing to do what they were asked, the kids talked back regularly and condescended to my wife and me about adult matters. They had free rein to their TVs and could choose how much time they spent watching them, so they lacked structure and direction. As a result, they behaved as if they were on equal footing with both me and my wife.
My son suffered academically: He fell behind in virtually every category at school, and at-home study was impossible to accomplish with him. The moment he dropped his bookbag he would run back to his room to watch “his shows.” When we told him that he needed to study with us first, he would unleash blood-curdling screams and refuse to participate.
My wife and I hoped that TVs and tablets would keep our kids preoccupied and give us respite from the daily woes of raising children and managing responsibilities. But unlimited screen time hurt our children, and I knew that something needed to change.
The return to my parental values
My children’s new-found misbehavior was worrisome, and it was clear that it began when they had unrestricted screen time. I realized that I had violated every value I held as a parent and that the kids were missing out on the guidance critical to shaping well-functional adults. With that epiphany, I committed to exerting extra effort toward my parental duties to reverse the damage done. The changes were swift and came in steps:
I drastically limited screen time: The first thing I did was restrict screen time. They no longer had access to their tablets and TVs whenever they pleased, and I instituted tech rules. The kids did not have access to their tablets during the week and their time was limited to two hours a day on weekends. I limited their TV time to between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m. on weekdays and 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. on weekends.
I structured their day: Both kids were now expected to do minor pick-ups around the house after school hours and clean their room before bedtime. I established creativity time. During the time they would typically spend on their tablets, they now sat at the kitchen table to draw, color, or write together.
I reinforced respect: The kids had developed a propensity to snap back at my wife and me, so I put my foot down. When they spoke disrespectfully to either of us, I addressed it immediately. They were expected to apologize and if serious enough, they lost their TV time for the night.
I implemented character-building activities: Nothing builds character like working, so I had my children help me with minor tasks around the house and with light yard work. I also stopped giving them answers to their problems and helped them think their way through them instead.
I created regular reading time: I regularly read books to the kids and gave them books to read themselves. To me, consistent reading time was imperative to spurring their imagination and piquing their curiosity.
The results
My measures may seem harsh in today’s world, but the results have been profound, and the kids have been happier than ever. The kids weren’t happy to give up their screen time in the beginning, but as time went on, they found other ways to enjoy their day. Soon, we heard giggling coming from the hallway as they started playing together again. My daughter started caring for her dolls again, and my son was pretending to arrest the “bad guys” again.
They got excited about reading their books, and my son’s reading skills advanced rapidly. They both reclaimed their curiosity and began questioning all the mysterious wonders of the world again. As time passed, both kids looked forward to working around the house with me and asking if they could help me with additional tasks. Their disrespectful and combative retorts seized. They learned boundaries.
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Not only did removing screen time and putting more effort into parenting curtail the unruly behavior that came with excessive tech use, but they’ve behaved better than ever. Before screen time, the kids were unrestrained and loud. They interrupted phone calls, screamed over conversations between my wife and me, and constantly asked for things at inconvenient times.
By straying from our values and implementing screen time, we accepted this behavior and chose to distract rather than curb it. But it came at the kid’s detriment of a robust childhood and made the problem worse. When I made an effort to teach rather than distract, the kids grew happier, and my wife and I got the balance that we desperately needed.
Kyle Halderman is a writer with a unique perspective on the human experience. He studies economics at The Ohio State University and has been published on Medium, ThoughtThinkers, Yourtango, and others.