6 Phrases No Self-Respecting Parent Should Ever Say To Their Daughters
We need to raise our daughters to stand up for themselves.
My Agency | Shutterstock It’s hard to raise daughters. The world has lots of outdated expectations for girls, cultural messaging profoundly focuses on the shape of their bodies, and the value of their looks as a comment on their overall worth.
Guiding them through their adolescence and puberty with their self-esteem intact is no easy task. To make matters worse, well-meaning parents often resort to common phrases that try to explain away bad behaviors or boost confidence.
These phrases can do more harm than good says family therapist Dr. Laura Froyen, Ph.D. Here, per Froyen, are six phrases parents should avoid saying to their daughters.
Here are six phrases no self-respecting parent should ever say to their daughters:
1. 'He’s bullying you because he likes you'
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According to Froyen, this is one of the most damaging messages parents can give their daughters. Girls need to know early on that if people like them, they should be treated with dignity and respect.
“Saying that a boy is mean because he likes you teaches kids what to expect in romantic relationships,” she says.
In other words, it makes girls think that aggression is affection and presses romantic expectations onto children. Parents would do their best to put this phrase to bed.
2. 'Be nice'
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It’s not so much the intention of this phrase, but how overused it is.
“We teach girls early on to put their feelings, their wants, and their needs last,” says Froyen. “That creates young adults and women who don’t want to rock the boat, stand up for themselves, and don’t ask their partners for what they want or feel confident in setting boundaries with the people in their lives, because we’ve socialized them so early to be nice.”
This doesn’t mean kids should not have good manners. Forcing them to be nice instead of asking them to notice how someone else would feel if someone stole their toy, for example, doesn’t allow for introspection.
“Have them be a little bit more introspective or aware of what’s going on around them, rather than having that blanket directive of being nice.”
Constantly telling a daughter to be nice can be problematic because it can inadvertently prioritize external validation over intrinsic motivation.
A Stanford-led study concluded that this can lead to a focus on pleasing others at the expense of her own needs and limit her ability to assert herself, especially in situations where standing up for herself might be necessary. It can also inadvertently reinforce the idea that a girl's primary value lies in her perceived niceness rather than her other qualities and abilities.
3. 'Boys will be boys'
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This old chestnut is harmful for several reasons. But, when girls hear it, it can make them feel very powerless to enact any change or set boundaries.
“That message tells girls that if they set boundaries with a boy — like if they don’t want to be chased on the playground — that boys don’t need to listen,” says Froyen. “Boys should have the same expectations for responsibility taking as girls. It’s harmful to girls to consistently let boys off the hook for their behavior.”
4. 'Good job.
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Listen: saying good job isn’t wrong. Of course, it isn’t. But the problem with this phrase, per Froyen, is its vagueness.
“Unspecific praise simply isn’t helpful to kids most of the time,” she says. “It also focuses on the outcome, rather than the process or effort involved.”
Froyen offers an example: If your kid has worked on a math problem that they maybe had a hard time with but kept working on and you said, Oh, good job!’ you’re not paying attention to the fact that this was hard and that the kid put a lot of effort into it. “It doesn’t focus on the tenacity or the grit,” she says.
Research by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology found that it can lead to a focus on external validation, undermine intrinsic motivation, and hinder their growth mindset development. Relying too heavily on generic praise can make children less likely to persevere through challenges and more concerned with pleasing others rather than taking pride in their accomplishments.
5. 'You look thin'
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Commenting on a girl’s body in any context, negative or positive, is ultimately harmful to kids.
“What the research is showing right now is that any comment on a child’s appearance has the potential to be destructive for a child’s body image, particularly for girls,” says Froyen. “It draws your child’s awareness to their appearance as a thing that matters. They’re in a world where they are inundated with messages.”
What’s a better option? Offers Froyen: “If we’re out in the world and people call my daughter beautiful, I say, ‘Yes. And she is strong and she loves talking about fairies.’”
It’s about diverting attention to what really should matter.
6. 'You’re so pretty'
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“Lots of well-meaning parents say this because they mean it, and they want to boost their child’s confidence,” says Froyen. “But research shows that it backfires in a big way. It starts young girls down the pathway of thinking that appearance is an important thing, that it matters for their self-worth, and that they need to rely on external validation for their self-worth.”
Froyen says that the world will comment on your daughter’s appearance more than enough. Parents need to be some of the very few people who won’t comment on their appearance, and make it abundantly clear that it has nothing to do with her worth as a person.
Frequently telling a daughter she is pretty can be detrimental because it can lead her to base her self-worth primarily on her physical appearance. This can potentially cause body image issues, low self-esteem, and a focus on unrealistic beauty standards, especially when coupled with societal pressures.
Research by Pepperdine University explained that parents should praise their daughters for their character, achievements, and inner qualities.
Lizzy Francis is a writer and editor who has had fiction and poetry published in magazines associated with New York University like the West 4th Street Review and the Gallatin Review.