If Your Parents Said These 17 Things To You As A Kid, They May Have Caused Real Emotional Harm You're Still Healing From
Even the most innocent phrases can have an impact on a child's growth and development.
Vika Glitter | Canva Too often, a mom or dad's greatest regret as a parent is tied to something careless or cruel they said to their kids out of anger or frustration. Sometimes we get tired and let slip some snide remark or a thoughtless comment. Sometimes, we just say stupid things without taking a second to consider the effect they'll have at the moment — or the emotional damage the words might inflict in the long run.
We know: Parenting is hard. How do we find the will and the patience to always say the right thing? The good news is, with a bit of advance thought — and an ongoing commitment to calm, kind communication — parents have the power to pre-emptively avoid foot-in-mouth syndrome.
Research by Stanford University concluded that parents can significantly reduce emotional harm to their children by carefully choosing their words and actions. Avoiding criticism, focusing on positive reinforcement, and modeling healthy emotional expression are key strategies.
To help equip moms and dads with the right words for the right circumstance, we asked our YourTango Experts, "What one thing should you never say to your kids? And what should you say instead?" Your mileage may vary, but this list is a good place to start if you'd rather not say something you regret.
If your parents said these things to you as a kid, they may have caused real emotional harm:
1. 'Do as I say, not as I do'
Never say: "Do as I say, not as I do." Better to say: "Sometimes we just have to take a deep breath — and just do it."
—Pegi Burdick, coach and owner of The Financial Whisperer
2. 'Your sister can do it — why can't you?'
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Avoid comparing a child to another child, positively or negatively. Instead, laud one specific characteristic or behavior that is positive.
—Ruth Schimel, PhD, career & life management consultant, author
3. 'Don't be mad (or hurt, sad, nervous, etc.)'
Never say, "Don't be mad (or hurt, sad, nervous, etc.)." Instead, say, "It's okay to be angry. Let's talk about it."
—Jonice Webb, PhD, clinical psychologist & author
4. 'You're such a burden'
When it comes to raising kids, there are a lot of things that parents should never say. For example, phrases like "I'm so disappointed in you" or "You're such a burden" can do tremendous damage to a child's self-esteem.
Instead, try to use phrases that will encourage your child and help them to feel good about themselves. For instance, you might say something like "I know you're trying your best" or "I'm proud of you for (fill in the blank)."
Of course, every child is different, so it's important to tailor your words to fit your individual child's needs. But by using positive language, you can help your child to feel valued and loved, which is one of the most important things that any parent can do.
—Claire Waismann, registered addiction specialist & substance use certified counselor
5. 'We can't afford that'
Never tell your kids, "We can't afford that." When you say this, you are building a sense of poverty and lack into their mental program that they will carry with them throughout life.
Say instead, "We are going to use our money for something else right now." That speaks of choice on how to direct your money flow, rather than emphasizing a shortage of money or resources.
—Jean Walters, life coach & author
6. 'Why didn't you do your homework?'
When something's happened, never ask "Why?" which usually sounds like an accusation and only invites a defensive story from your kids. Instead, ask "What happened?" which invites your kids to tell you their side of an event or occurrence.
The response to "Why didn't you do your homework?" might be "It's not my fault. My teacher is mean and hates me." The response to "What happened with your homework?" might be "The words were too hard and I didn't understand them." This second response gives a parent something tangible to work with, which is something "Why?" rarely does.
—Sharon Saline, Psy.D., clinical psychologist
7. 'What's wrong with you?'
The hardest slam to any person's self-esteem is hearing, "What's wrong with you?" — even if said in jest. Your defenses go up, the frantic search for personal flaws begins, and internal judgment wheels start turning.
Saying this to a child, who is just figuring out who they are and how this world works, is devastating. And it can have a lifelong impact. If your child has missed the mark, behaved poorly, or even done something shocking, first deal with your judgments about the situation and the child.
When you are calmer, get sincerely curious as to why, indeed, would they do that, not do that, or say that. Then ask the genuine question, "What happened before that?" Or "What happened to you?" Or "What were your thinking steps before that happened?" (Asked in age-appropriate language, of course.)
—Leezá Carlone Steindorf, author, "Connected Parent, Empowered Child — Five Keys to Raising Happy, Confident, Responsible Kids"
8. 'You aren't going to amount to anything'
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Never tell your child: "You aren't going to amount to anything when you grow up."
Instead, say: "I am concerned that your behavior/attitude is taking you down a path that won't allow you to live up to your full potential. I believe that you can do anything you put your mind to, and I hope you realize the same thing, so you can begin to make wise choices."
—Vena Wilson, licensed clinical social worker & psychologist
9. 'Just relax, you're making a big deal out of nothing'
If your child is struggling and you want to engage them, try saying, "It looks like you're having a hard time with this. What's up? How can I help?" Remember that your child is not trying to give you a hard time — they are having a hard time, and need your love and support, not your criticism and judgment.
No one ever became calmer, more focused, more on task, and more productively organized by being criticized and judged. Only love and kindness, empathy and compassion can help them make that shift.
—Judith Pinto, focus coach for entrepreneurial moms
10. 'This is all your fault'
Using the words "This is your fault" is something I would never want to say to a child. We live in a society filled with blame, judgment and shame. Children learn best when they are assured that everyone makes mistakes and that we are here on earth to learn how to be better and to do better and that we are all learning along the way.
I would want to take the opportunity to understand the child and his or her behavior. Any challenge is worth the chance to grow and expand our awareness of anyone's actions and the consequences of these actions.
—Janet Whitney, licensed marriage & family therapist, author
11. 'You're so smart'
Instead of saying, "Good job! You're so smart!" say things like "You must be so proud. You worked so hard." The ideal outcome is that they seek their own approval and draw pride and satisfaction from that.
—Erika Jordan, love and relationship coach
12. 'What you say does not matter'
When disciplining a child, never say, "What you say does not matter. It isn't important." Instead, say, "I understand you are upset with this consequence, but I will always think what you say is important. You matter to me, and I love you."
—Heather Allen, social worker
13. 'What's wrong with you?'
"What's wrong with you?" This loaded question tells a child that there is something not good enough about them or that they are "different or weird." It enforces brokenness and is a foundational crack to the emotional and psychological being.
Almost every human has a belief that they are not worthy of love in some fashion and that they are "too much or not enough" these beliefs are strongly supported and even created, potentially through this seemingly innocent parenting statement that we are most likely all guilty of at times.
Instead of asking this debilitating question, try saying, "What's troubling you?" or "What's challenging you?" These word choices separate the child from the problem instead of making the child the problem.
—Rene Schooler, relationship coach
14. 'Really? A B+ was the best you could do?'
In my experience, something that parents (and society as a whole) tend to do a lot, usually with the best of intentions, is imply that self-worth and/or our love and support are conditional. We're quick to reward the best results and downplay the losses, often focusing on appearance over substance.
In doing so, we are saying that we're prouder of the win. We're happier with the prettiest. Anything else is met with criticism, excuses and denial.
That isn't to say winning shouldn't be the goal — winning is awesome — but there is immeasurable value in a loss, and there will be lots of them.
There isn't anything wrong with an "I'm proud of you" during the best of times, but a similar sentiment when things don't work out can go a long way, for all of us. Add hugs whenever possible.
—Whit Honea, author, The Parents Phrase Book
15. 'You shouldn’t eat that'
It’s seldom that anyone reacts well to being told what they should or shouldn’t eat. “You shouldn’t eat that,” and its variations, such as, “Do you need that?” are relationship-damaging comments.
Even advice such as “If I were you I wouldn’t eat that” is entering dangerous territory. Probably any phrase starting with “You shouldn’t …” is damaging, but eating is particularly sensitive and personal.
The best practice is to focus on your eating and otherwise keep your mouth shut. If you feel it’s necessary, stick to suggestions like “Why don’t we eat dinner, then have a treat?” or “We could also have that tomorrow.”
Or, try to use statements of your preferences like, “I do better with less meat and more vegetables.” So long as you mind your tone, these phrases open the door for further consideration and don’t come across as directly telling someone what to do.
—Lisa Newman, positive psychology & mind-body eating coach
16. 'I wish you were more like …'
This is the worst sentence you can utter to your little ones. These words can destroy their self-esteem, psychological safety, and individualism.
Instead, set up your child for success and emotional stability by saying things like, "It's okay to fail at things. What matters more is that we try our best." Or "I have absolute faith in your capabilities. Give this thing your best shot."
—Siddharth S. Kumaar, Astro numerologist & relationship coach
17. 'You don't really think that, do you?'
This phrase can be invalidating and make a child question their judgment. It implies there is an error in the child's thinking or something wrong with the child's thinking. And that can lead to the child feeling shut down or defensive.
And that's a lost opportunity if there really are concerns about what the child is thinking. Simply saying "I'm really interested in your thoughts about this. Tell me more" encourages open dialogue and can start the conversation without judgment or implied criticism.
—Curren Trusty, licensed graduate professional counselor
Carter Gaddis is a writer and editor who spent 24 years as an award-winning sportswriter for newspapers in Florida and for various online publications, including ESPN, Parenting Magazine, and the St. Petersburg Times.
