The Most Well-Behaved Children Have Parents That Consistently Meet These 5 Needs
Misbehavior is how children communicate their unmet needs.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock When children misbehave, some parents assume that it is just the way they’re wired and there is not much they can do about it. However, according to one certified parenting coach, children’s behavior should be interpreted as a form of communication. Often, when they act out, they are trying to communicate something to their parents that they cannot quite convey through words or even understand themselves.
Sometimes, children’s basic needs are not being met by their parents, and the only way they feel as if they can bring attention to those needs is by pitching fits. Parenting coach Rachael wants more parents to understand that children never misbehave for no reason. Their behavior is often a tell-tale sign that their needs are not being met.
The most well-behaved children have parents that consistently meet these needs:
1. Survival
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The need for survival includes the bare necessities children need to survive, including a roof over their head, security, food and water, and a place to sleep.
Of course, survival consists of more than just physical safety. Parents should also strive to provide them with emotional safety. This consists of validating their emotions, encouraging open communication, and modeling healthy emotional regulation.
"Your child needs to feel close to you and (at least to be developing the skills) to feel good about themselves," Chris Ownby, a research strategist for the family-wellness platform, First Things First, shared. "This means developing an appropriately close relationship with your child while giving them opportunities to build self-confidence."
2. Belonging
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Perhaps more than anything else, children want to feel loved by their parents. Even though most parents love their children unconditionally and show it to them, their love languages may be different.
Your child’s preferred love language may be physical affection, where they’ll want lots of hugs and kisses from Mom or Dad.
However, your love language may be acts of service, and you may attempt to show your love to your child by picking them up from school early to get ice cream or taking them to that new movie they’ve been wanting to see.
In order for children to feel a sense of belonging, parents should make sure they understand how they want to be loved.
3. Power
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Children who are well-behaved are often the ones who are reminded of their power by their parents. “They need to feel empowered, they need to feel confident, they need to feel capable,” Rachael said. “They need to know that they can accomplish something that feels challenging.”
According to Rachael, there are crucial moments in children’s lives where parents should empower them, such as when a new sibling comes home or when they’re learning something new at school.
Since they are still developing humans, even the slightest changes can throw them off and have them questioning their sense of self-worth. “They might be learning something new, okay, so it's their need for power being challenged,” Rachael explained. “So then they act out, and we have to work with them.”
Some ways parents empower their children during times of change include encouraging them to voice their opinions, having them think for themselves by asking questions, and validating their emotions.
4. Freedom
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Even if your children are young, they still deserve some sense of independence and autonomy. Rachael said that between the ages of two and three, children are in the middle of what she called “autonomy leaps” when they begin to realize that they have a mind of their own and that they can think for themselves.
“They're like, ‘Oh wow, I have my own opinion, I'm gonna use it,’ and it doesn't matter what you suggest, the answer is no,” she explained.
While this phase can be extremely frustrating for parents who have to explain to their children why they can’t have ice cream for breakfast or why they need to wear shoes to the store, discovering that they can have an opinion that is separate from their parents is a critical moment for kids!
Let them know that even if there are some things you disagree with them on, they should still make their voices heard instead of being told “No” without a clear explanation.
5. Fun
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For children, having fun is just as important as learning discipline and having parents who model positive behavior. “Children learn best through play and through fun, so if you're struggling getting your child into cooperation, make it fun!” Rachael suggested.
For example, if you want your kids to pick up their toys, turn it into a fun little game where they need to clean them all up before a timer goes off, or come up with a catchy tune that will remind them to pick up after themselves.
According to The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) clinical report, “The Power of Play: A Pediatric Role in Enhancing Development in Young Children,” play and having fun are vital for children's development, impacting cognitive, physical, social, and emotional well-being, and fostering skills like creativity, problem-solving, and resilience.
Fun is not just about entertainment — it's a critical part of helping children grow emotionally, socially, physically, and intellectually.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.
