8 Lasting Quirks You Might Have If Your Parents Were A Little Self-Obsessed, According To Harvard Psychologist
Being raised by people who weren't ready to be parents can cause lasting damage.
Hunter Johnson | Unsplash “Character is the trace of relationship,” wrote Christopher Bollas, the brilliant post-Freudian psychoanalyst, in his ominously titled but infinitely hopeful book, The Shadow of the Object.
What he meant was that we all develop our quirks in context, gathering bits and pieces of the relationships around us and fixing them, unconsciously, to our temperament — that wired-in biological blueprint that partially determines who we become.
This, he concluded, is how any personality is born. But what happens to the development of our personality when we live in the shadow of narcissistic parents who are self-obsessed?
Here are lasting quirks you might have if your parents were self-obsessed:
1. You continually blame yourself
Narcissistic parents may or may not be openly abusive, but they’re almost certainly emotionally tone-deaf, too preoccupied with their concerns to hear our pain.
Because emotionally sensitive children who long for love can’t simply walk out the door and find a new family, they often nurture hope by sacrificing their self-esteem.
"I’m the problem," they tell themselves. "If I were quieter, calmer, or happier, my mother wouldn’t yell at me, ignore me, or criticize me all the time. If I fix myself, I'll finally be loved." Sadly, children of narcissistic parents often blame themselves for what’s missing from their lives to preserve a shred of hope.
2. You tolerate self-obsession in your other relationships
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If you’re particularly sensitive or empathic by nature, you’re more likely to respond to narcissistic parenting with a stance called "echoism," named after the nymph Echo, who was cursed to repeat back the last few words she heard. Just as Narcissus fell in love with his reflection, Echo fell in love with Narcissus.
Narcissistic parents who explode without warning, or collapse in tears any time a child dares to express a need, force sensitive children to take up as little room as possible, as if having any expectations at all is an act of selfishness.
Growing up as a child of narcissistic parents means that behavior is often repeated in their future relationships, whether it's romantic, platonic, or professional. Like Echo, echoists struggle to have a voice of their own and often end up with extremely narcissistic partners.
While some individuals may initially tolerate narcissistic traits in others, this tolerance can erode, especially when faced with concrete narcissistic behaviors or when reliance on the narcissist becomes necessary. A 2021 study recommended setting healthy boundaries is crucial when dealing with someone with narcissistic traits.
3. You become insecure in your own relationships
Think of secure attachment as our degree of comfort with becoming close to and depending on others in healthy ways. The neglect, abuse, or emotional absence of a narcissistic parent can make us question how safe we are in other people's hands.
Roughly speaking, insecure attachment can take two forms: avoidant attachment, in which we manage our fears by shutting people out ("I’ll never risk depending on anyone ever again!"), and anxious attachment, where we chase after love, pursuing — sometimes angrily — the connection we long for with our loved ones ("Why won’t you pay attention to me?").
Whether you become anxious or avoidant depends on a complex combination of temperament and consistency in care and attention, but ongoing neglect tends to create avoidance, and unpredictable attention generally yields anxiety.
4. You become needy
A related problem is something called "need-panic." Narcissistic parents can make their children terrified of their needs, and bury them by becoming compulsive caretakers or simply falling silent.
They may hum along for a while, seeming to need nothing from their partners or friends. Then, a crisis hits, and suddenly — in ways they find deeply unsettling — they call their friends incessantly or seek constant reassurance from them, coming off as needy by demanding support.
The quickest way to eliminate a need, after all, is to get it met immediately; paradoxically, the people most afraid of their needs are apt to seem the most “needy.”
Children of self-obsessed parents may develop needy tendencies as a survival strategy, seeking validation and attention to fill unmet emotional needs, potentially leading to codependent relationships and difficulties with boundaries. A 2017 study found that children may develop echoism, where they suppress their own needs and desires to avoid being perceived as demanding or self-centered, a survival strategy in a narcissistic environment.
5. You learn to be independent
Outgoing, adventurous children may respond to narcissistic parenting by abandoning emotional intimacy altogether, believing that no one can be trusted or relied on. This is impossible to sustain, naturally, and can easily engender intermittent "need-panic."
Alternatively, children with more sensitive temperaments may become compulsively selfless caretakers, as if the only way they can enjoy nurturance is vicariously by providing others with the warmth and caring they never enjoyed.
6. You become a people-pleaser
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Temperamentally sensitive children (who are often gifted empaths) can develop a laser-like focus on their parents' needs. They organize their lives around the happiness of others, convinced they have to bolster their parents' esteem ("Of course you’re pretty!") or prevent their next explosion ("I'll get your snack... you’re stressed!") by closely minding their every desire or whim.
The frightened child turned little adult often grows up to worry endlessly about their selfishness. They may even grow to hate their own needs, viewing them as a burden to others.
Research shows the importance of self-care for parenting. Consistently putting others' needs above our own can lead to difficulty maintaining a healthy emotional relationship due to resentment and burnout. Additionally, people-pleasing is linked to parental anxiety based on not being able always to please others.
7. You become just as self-obsessed as your parents — or even more
The more aggressive a child is by nature, the more likely they are to respond to narcissistic parenting by playing a game of "if you can’t beat them, join them:" "I’ll just make sure I’m the loudest, prettiest, smartest person in the room. That way, no one can make me feel unimportant again."
If you’re born with a stubborn, bombastic temperament and exposed to the kind of neglectful or abusive parenting that narcissists often provide, you’re more likely to end up self-obsessed yourself.
8. You jeopardize your health by constantly stressing yourself out
The more abusive narcissistic parents become, the more likely they are to traumatize their children. That can lead to a fearful approach to life and to PTSD.
Abuse throws us into a state of constant alertness, vigilantly prepared to dodge the next danger. This typically leads to chronic anxiety, sudden memories of abuse, emotional numbing, and even a foreshortened sense of the future, in which people become so fixated on simply surviving that they lose the ability to imagine life beyond the present.
Dr. Craig Malkin is a licensed psychologist, author, and psychology lecturer at Harvard Medical School. His advice and insights have been featured in major online and print media, including Marie Claire, Women's Health, NPR, Psychology Today, Huffington Post, The New York Times, and TIME, among others.