Husband Says His ‘Type-A Wife’ Is Forcing Him To Be A ‘Stereotypical Out-Of-Touch Dad’ — ‘It Is Just Labor She Is Putting On Herself’
Parenthood should be a team effort.
Dasha Petrenko | Shutterstock A father fears that his wife is turning him into a “stereotypical out-of-touch dad” by refusing to allow him to be involved in important parenting decisions for their 18-month-old.
While he said she's always been a bit controlling, her behavior has only gotten worse since becoming a mother, and now he worries that he won't be the father he always envisioned himself to be.
A man’s wife wants to control every parenting decision for their child and leave him as a spectator on the sidelines.
The concerned dad shared his dilemma to Slate’s parenting advice column, “Caring and Feeding,” seeking advice on how he should handle the situation.
He started by describing his wife as having a “Type A personality.”
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“She tends to have control issues; if she is not the one booking the tickets or making the reservations, she stresses that it is not done, or not done correctly,” the man wrote. “I love her and have learned to just let her do certain things because a happy wife equals a happy life, and it is not worth getting offended that she thinks I won’t find the best airline and hotel deals for our beach vacation.”
Since welcoming their first child 18 months ago, the man claimed that his wife’s Type-A personality and control issues have grown much worse.
“My wife feels strongly on almost every issue concerning our child, whereas 75 percent of the issues I don’t really have an opinion either way,” he wrote.
Despite his wife’s control, the man said he tried his best to be as involved as he could with fatherhood and researched all relevant parenting topics (even knowing that his opinion wouldn’t matter most of the time).
Now, the man’s wife is complaining that he is “not involved enough,” and she is overwhelmed by how much she does for their child.
The man believes that his wife has created her own parenting stress, and she would not be as burnt out if she would allow him to do more.
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“I am invested in their physical, mental, and emotional development. I know what developmental milestones they were supposed to meet and when, and I was fully involved in getting them evaluated when they weren’t sitting unassisted by the recommended time,” the man wrote.
“Apparently, we don’t agree on what is important and what is not, and I don’t know how to bridge that gap.”
His wife complains about her husband's involvement but won't let him do anything with their child on his own.
When the man learned that his wife would be working the same day as their child’s 18-month well visit, he volunteered to take him to the doctor by himself. However, his wife did not even trust that he could do that.
“She did not trust I would ask the right questions, take notes (despite our pediatrician providing a visit summary), or know how to comfort our child when they got their vaccinations,” the dad wrote.
“This created a huge fight, as I feel like she is unfairly putting me into the role of the stereotypical ‘out-of-touch dad.’ Plus, there wasn’t another opening for three weeks to get into the pediatrician if we didn’t keep that appointment!”
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The man has reached his breaking point and asked what the best approach was to start pushing back against his wife’s control.
“I know she has been like this since we got together but I never imagined it would manifest in this untenable manner,” he admitted.
The man was advised to communicate with his wife about his feelings and was urged to seek couples counseling to work on their relationship.
“I’m going to state up front that your feelings are understandable and relatable (even to me, the one who was the Type-A person in my marriage to my late husband),” wrote Care and Feeding's Allison Price. “But both you and your wife need to find a way to make space for each other as a parenting team.”
Playing devil’s advocate as a former Type-A person, Price explained to the man just how hard it can be for people like them to hand the reins over to someone else, even if they are more than capable.
It is especially difficult to give up control while entering a whole new phase of life when everything ahead of you is uncertain, like parenthood.
“It can feel like there isn’t any time to divvy up tasks, and it’s much easier to keep going the way you already are, even if you hate it,” Price elaborated.
In the meantime, Price suggested that the man and his wife create a communication system that will make the other person aware of just how important certain parenting decisions are for them and devise a way for them to be equally involved.
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If you grew up as a Type-A person who wanted to take control over every decision, it can often be a tough habit to break in adulthood.
Parenthood is filled with unpredictable ups and downs that are completely out of your control, which can make it even more difficult to let go of. As Cappa noted, Type-A moms tend to excel during pregnancy and especially during the nesting period because they are master planners, but once baby arrives, they soon realize that children are not so easily controlled by organization and schedules. When a Type-A mom feels out of control, she clings to her habits even more, which seems to be exactly what's happening to this man's wife.
Parenting is exhausting and stressful enough, and you may find that having support is not always a bad thing.
Sometimes, you just have to let someone else take the lead, and that’s okay! As long as your children are happy and healthy and have parents who love them unconditionally and provide the necessities for them, they will be just fine — even if Dad takes them to the doctor on his own every once in a while!
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.