Are Your Parents The Problem? 7 Habits That Mean It Might Be Time To Cut Ties
Not all parental bonds are healthy.
Kaboompics.com | Pexels Lately, I’ve been going on Reddit to see what the major drama is for other peoples’ relationships. It’s where I get a lot of my inspiration as a writer, and it’s also a way to gauge where society is at this time. I mean, every time women’s rights get rolled back, I notice an uptick in DV posts.
Regardless, I noticed a lot of people talking about situations that were highly dysfunctional in their families. Some involved a cheating parent, others involved a parent saying something jaw-droppingly hurtful, and still, more involved parents trapping their kids in a bad situation.
There’s a huge stigma against not talking to your biological family. We all hear people say, "But it's your family."
But guess what? Blood doesn’t always entitle someone to your time. Cutting ties with your family can be an act of self-love.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like a lot of people need to hear that it’s okay to cut ties with family members who aren’t good to you. If any of these warning signs fit you, you have my permission to walk away from your family.
Here are the problematic habits that mean it might be time to cut ties with your parents:
1. They hit you, abuse you or make you feel physically unsafe
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If you have to deal with parents who abuse you, they are not your family. Abuse is never okay. Going no-contact is okay here because abuse is not acceptable.
If you want to reach out again after time has passed, that’s on you. I would think long and hard before that — and if I granted them that option, I’d probably warn them that the next time they hit me is their last.
On a similar note, if your parents harmed your pets, call 911, consider a lawsuit, and press charges. Cruelty to animals is never acceptable, nor is defending it.
2. They have stolen or fleeced you out of money
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As many of my readers know, I hang out in circles that have faced extreme poverty — like, starving dizzy due to lack of food, poverty. Even in these circles, there are a few things that you do not do under any circumstances. One of these is theft.
Theft is a major no-no for many reasons, but the biggest reason is that it proves you don’t care about the people around you. Since you don’t care that you hurt them by taking their stuff, you can’t be trusted. Boom.
Going no-contact with a parent who has stolen something significant can be a healthy boundary-setting strategy, mainly when dealing with toxic or abusive relationships, allowing for emotional healing and self-preservation. A 2013 study found that it's important to remember that going without contact is a personal decision, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with complex family dynamics.
3. They undermine you
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True story, I had a parent who worked against me having friends growing up. This person would tell me that my friends aren’t actually my friends, would advise me on doing things that would alienate me, and would actively prevent me from having topics I could talk to them about.
Needless to say, I was messed up for decades. This was one of the primary reasons I ended up having a meltdown at my college and why I ended up choosing to live in the streets. I couldn’t take the isolation anymore.
There were very long periods when I just didn’t talk to this person. Things are better between me and them now, but it’s something I’ll always remember them doing. If I didn’t go low- to no-contact, I probably would have died by my own hands as a teen.
With that said, I still view this kind of behavior as unforgivable. Don’t feel bad if you have to flee a family who does this to you. I guarantee you that you’re going to be better off in the long run.
4. They force you to live a life that makes you miserable
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I see this kind of stuff a lot with parents who are hyper-conservative and want their daughters barefoot and pregnant, but it also comes in the form of parents who insist on sons being doctors or trying to put gay kids in conversion therapy.
Bottom line: a parent is supposed to accept you and want you to be happy. Anyone who is part of your real family will let you be the real you. They will want to see you smile, even if what you decide to do with life isn’t what they expected.
I don’t understand how so many parents seem to want to break down their kids just to force them into a life they don’t want to live. That’s not parenting. That’s being vindictive and betraying the very child you’re supposed to love.
If you are this kid, please get away from your family. They’re toxic and you deserve a better life. Family estrangement, including no-contact situations, is a complex issue with potential benefits and drawbacks, often stemming from toxic family dynamics or unresolved conflicts. Research from the American Psychological Association found that while family estrangement can be a protective measure for mental health, it also carries the risk of emotional loss and guilt.
5. They believe you should have no rights
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There are many cases of parents who have forced their kids into conversion therapy, or who have even blocked kids from getting an education. In some cases, adult children had to choose between the right to marry their partners or their families.
If this sounds like your family, I’d suggest calling CPS (if it has the potential of doing something in your situation) and also suggest going no-contact as soon as possible.
6. They treat you like a verbal punching bag
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Verbal abuse is still abuse, and if you find yourself on the receiving end of a lot of hateful remarks, it’s time to rethink your relationship with your parents. Yes, they are your blood, but no, no one gets to talk to you like that.
If you find yourself being berated, having talked about you behind your back, or just dealing with passive-aggressive behavior, it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship with the people in your family. You shouldn’t have to spend time with people who verbally attack you.
Going no contact with parents who verbally abuse you can be a healthy and necessary step for self-preservation and recovery, potentially leading to improved mental health and well-being. A 2020 study found that when family members consistently use verbal abuse, it can be emotionally and psychologically damaging. Going no contact protects you from ongoing harm and establishes healthy boundaries.
7. They have exploited your career
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I guarantee you that a lot of child stars have cut ties with their parents for this reason. But, you don’t have to be Britney Spears to realize that your parents might be messing up your career.
I’ve seen this happen in several ways:
- Emotionally blackmailing someone into leaving a job they adore and that pays well.
- Breaking items needed to work.
- Refusing to help fund new career opportunities despite having money to do so.
- Calling employers to get people fired.
- Demanding complete control of your money.
Not okay, by any means. Depending on what they do, this could be a time to call the police and start a lawsuit. Either way, it’s time to run far away from people who do this to you.
Reminder: you can’t martyr yourself to keep your bullies happy. Bullies can be anyone. It can be a kid in school that threw rocks at you. It could also be a coworker. Some of us were unlucky enough to end up having it be our family.
If that is what happened to you, don’t feel bad about walking away from your family.
Your family is who you choose them to be. Sometimes, that means your friends and lover become your family — and that’s okay.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.