Girls Who Grow Up To Be Well-Adjusted Women Are Taught These 19 Things By Their Parents
What young girls needs to know to take on the world and become emotionally-regulated women.
Kampus Production | Canva My yoga teacher brings her infant daughter to class sometimes. No one minds. She'll sit and watch, sometimes nap, or occasionally crawl to our mats when we're down in child's pose, down at her level. She delights at the sound of our closing chants, no matter how off-tune.
"Oh you're just so pretty!" a middle-aged woman cooed after class to the bright-eyed girl. Without skipping a beat, she added, "Oh wait, shoot, I'm not supposed to say that, right?"
Her quick correction made me laugh — I knew exactly what she meant. I, too, have been caught by that knee-jerk instinct to compliment a little girl's dress, hair, or face — compliments that are conditioned into our culture automatically.
In other words, we're all in agreement that the things we teach our little girls — the innuendos, the accentuated topics, the specific words — can have a powerful impact. But instead of talking about what we can't say, how about the things parents should teach their daughters?
Girls who grow up to be well-adjusted women are taught these things by their parents:
1. "No" is a powerful word
Use it, and use it often.
2. Don't apologize for the love you have for yourself
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Never diminish your light to make someone else shine. Parents should teach girls not to apologize for self-love because this fosters healthy self-esteem, combats internalized misogyny, and encourages assertive behavior.
It ultimately leads to a more empowered and confident woman who is less likely to downplay her needs or achievements. Girls are often socialized to prioritize the needs of others over their own. A study published in the Journal of Epidemiology concluded this leads to a tendency to apologize for expressing self-care or asserting their desires, which can stem from internalized messages about being too much or selfish.
3. You are your character — not your looks, job, or grades
Parents should teach girls that their identity lies in their character, not their looks, jobs, or grades. This will foster a strong sense of self-worth and resilience and empower them to define their value beyond external factors.
A 2022 study found this can significantly mitigate the negative impacts of societal pressures and contribute to better mental health, especially in the face of challenges related to appearance or academic performance.
4. Your body is beautiful, as is
Teaching girls to love their bodies significantly impacts their self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being. It fosters a positive body image, reduces the risk of eating disorders, and promotes healthy relationships with food and exercise, all crucial for a girl's development and self-worth throughout life.
A 2019 study explained that parents are a primary source of information and validation for children, so their attitudes toward their bodies and their messages about appearance strongly influence how a girl perceives herself.
5. Beauty isn't earned and it doesn't define your worth
Beauty is a subjective state of mind, but being kind is always beautiful.
6. Not all boys are bad; not all girls are mean
We're in this together. Parents should teach girls that not all boys are bad and not all girls are mean. This will help combat harmful gender stereotypes, promote healthy relationships, and prevent the development of unnecessary biases, ultimately fostering a more positive self-image and social outlook in young girls.
According to a 2018 study, teaching children that individuals should be judged based on their actions, not their gender, helps to break down harmful stereotypes that can lead to prejudice and discrimination against both boys and girls.
7. Accept that you will meet some mean girls along the way, no matter how old you are
Try and remember that the meanest people are the ones who are hurting the most. Wish them well and stay away.
8. Your mind will lie to you
It'll tell you that you're not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough — not enough. It'll tell you that you need to be perfect to be loved, that your life needs to be a certain way before you can be happy.
All of these are lies. Just because those thoughts are real doesn't make them true. If you need help finding the truth, I will help you.
9. Girl friendships are powerful
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Find the right ones — the ones who build you up, not tear you down — and keep them in your corner. You'll need them.
10. You're strong and brave
Parents are considered the most critical relationship in a child's life, providing essential physical and psychological ingredients for their development. Teaching girls that they are strong and brave can help them develop the confidence and resilience to succeed in school, their careers, and life. A 2014 study found this also helps girls become comfortable with imperfection and leverage it as a strength.
11. You aren't your emotions, no matter how strong they feel
You aren't your hormones. You aren't your mistakes. It empowers them to understand and manage their feelings healthily, preventing them from being solely defined by their emotional states.
This can lead to self-doubt and difficulty in decision-making, particularly when facing societal pressures around emotional expression in females. 2013 research found this helps them develop a sense of agency over their emotions rather than being controlled by them.
12. Aim to be the most interesting person in a room, not the prettiest
Parents should teach girls to aim to be the most interesting person in the room. This will foster self-confidence, encourage active engagement in social situations, and challenge traditional gender stereotypes that often push women toward passivity. 2009 research concluded it will ultimately promote a sense of agency and empowerment in their lives.
13. Being intimate doesn't devalue you as a person
You'll always have value. Always.
14. You don't have to become a mother or a wife to be a complete person
Teaching girls they don't have to become mothers or wives is crucial for promoting gender equality, fostering healthy self-esteem, and allowing women to make informed choices about their life paths. Limiting options based on gender can lead to feelings of pressure, inadequacy, and a restricted sense of self-worth.
A 2022 study found that empowering girls to understand that they have agency over their life choices, including whether or not to become mothers, contributes to higher self-esteem and a stronger sense of personal control.
15. True joy isn't found by looking out
Out to the approval of parents, the expectations of friends, and the lingering eye of a cute boy. You'll want to look out for love, out for comfort, and out for a sense of identity, but you're already you, and you're magnificent as you are. The sooner you learn to focus on what you have, not on what you don't have, the happier you'll be.
16. No one cares what you're wearing; they're all too busy worrying about their own outfits.
Be comfortable. Teaching girls not to worry about their clothing choices excessively can significantly benefit their self-esteem, body image, and overall mental health by promoting a sense of personal agency and reducing the impact of societal pressures that often link self-worth to appearance, particularly in a culture that heavily scrutinizes female bodies.
17. Femininity is not a weakness
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You're more powerful than you think.
18. You aren't responsible for anyone else's happiness, including your mother's
Teaching girls they are not responsible for others' happiness is crucial for fostering healthy self-esteem, personal agency, and emotional well-being. It prevents them from taking on undue burdens and allows them to prioritize their needs and desires, ultimately leading to a more empowered and resilient individual.
A 2021 study found that when girls feel obligated to make others happy, they can become codependent, have difficulty setting boundaries, and be susceptible to manipulation, which can impact their mental health.
19. I can handle anything you have to say, anything you might feel, and any questions you might have
No matter how you're feeling, I guarantee another girl has felt the same.
Michelle Horton is a writer and advocate. Through the Nicole Addimando Community Defense Committee, she speaks out for her sister and the countless other victims of domestic violence criminalized for their acts of survival. She's the author of Dear Sister: A Memoir of Secrets, Survival, and Unbreakable Bonds.