Knowing The 4 Differences Between A Healthy Family And An Enmeshed Family Can Save You From A Lifetime Of Therapy
Some families are warm sweaters, others are rigid filters.
Georgijevic | Canva A close family is a knit-sweater of warmth, care, and comfort, a nurturing and forgiving environment. Enmeshment in a family can be a rigid filter of control, a controlling and unforgiving environment.
Here are 4 tiny differences between a healthy family and an enmeshed family, according to YourTango experts:
1. Enmeshed families have no boundaries
A close family shares a strong bond and emotional support, where individual members can pursue their interests and relationships while still maintaining a sense of connection. In a close family, boundaries are respected, and independence is encouraged, allowing each person to grow and develop their own identity.
Yakobchuk Viacheslav vis Shutterstock
An enmeshed family, on the other hand, lacks clear boundaries. Members are overly involved in each other's lives, often to the detriment of individual autonomy and personal growth. Decisions, emotions, and relationships are heavily intertwined, leading to dependency and difficulty in establishing separate identities and independent lives. In enmeshed families, individuality can be sacrificed for the sake of maintaining the family unit's cohesion.
— Erika Jordan, Dating Coach / NLP Practitioner
2. Enmeshed families often operate on fear
Enmeshed families often operate on fear, with poor boundaries and an intolerance for exploration beyond the family's small, closed world. In contrast, a close family fosters connection through openness, freedom, autonomy, expansion, flexibility, and an ability to tolerate a wide world of novelty.
— Eva Van Prooyen, Marriage and Family Therapist, Relationship Specialist
3. Enmeshed families have co-dependent patterns
A close family takes an interest in what you do and how you feel, with healthy boundaries that allow you to grow and thrive as an independent person. An enmeshed family has poor boundaries — their constant efforts to mold you into who they expect you to be without leaving you room to grow as an individual can result in an adult who has a weak sense of self, codependent patterns, and poor boundaries with romantic partners.
— Dr. Gloria Brame, Ph.D., Therapist
4. An enmeshed family hyper-focuses on being close
The primary difference between a close family dynamic and an enmeshed family dynamic is the emotional states and mindsets that drive them.
In enmeshed families, there is an inherent fear in the dynamic that drives the system to hyper-focus on "closeness" without the foundational confidence and calmness true connection requires. Differences and disagreements are met with a crisis mode, and an individual's need for space or autonomy is seen as a threat instead of a natural part of life. The sentiment of the family is, "We are always at risk of losing each other so we have to stay on guard constantly so that nothing terrible happens to our bonds".
In close families (I would call them families with Secure Attachment Patterns), there is an inherent trust in the dynamic that drives the system to be connected and flexible. Differences and disagreements are seen as a normal part of relationships and given the time and attention they need to resolve without significant panic to the family identity. Close families are operating with mature mindsets about relationships. The sentiment of the family is "We belong together and can adapt to whatever changes or different seasons come our way."
— Eli Harwood, Counselor/Therapist
NDAB Creativity via Shutterstock
Enmeshment in the family is a rigid filter. Each grid line is designed to hold something back. Only the vital components are allowed through the mesh, and the filter will end up holding too much back. It clogs, begins to rust, erodes, and bursts.
Closeness in a family is the sweater knit from individual threads. Each thread wraps around the others to become flexible and functional. The sweater can stretch and adjust as we move. The sweater grows more comfortable the more we wear it.
Will Curtis is a writer and editor for YourTango. He's been featured on the Good Men Project and taught English abroad for ten years.