Dad Thrown When His Wife's Affair Partner Asks To Attend Her Funeral
What does he owe his soon-to-be ex-wife's new partner?
Zivica Kerkez | Shutterstock | Canva Pro There are few things in life more complicated than death, divorce, and infidelity — except, perhaps, when all three happen at once. That is the situation a man on Reddit found himself in, and it has left him reeling as he tries to figure out how to navigate the complicated ethics of the situation.
The dad was thrown when his wife's affair partner asked to attend her funeral.
For many people, infidelity is a red line with no nuance whatsoever. The cheaters are villainous personae non gratae, and that's simply that. But this man's situation speaks to just how complicated these matters of the heart can be.
Because while his wife was unfaithful, their marriage was already over at the time of her death in all ways but the legal ones. She had already begun making a new life with her new partner.
They were already separated and divorcing when his wife died.
The dad's wife and her affair partner had been together for 18 months at the time of her death in a car accident. "They told me they had been genuinely in love," the dad wrote.
Consequently, they were already separated and in the process of divorcing at the time of her death, too. Technically, of course, they were still married, but that's ultimately an issue of paperwork. Relationships are a different entity entirely, of course.
But because the divorce was not yet finalized, it legally fell to him to handle the funeral, and the new man in her life is now asking about the arrangements. "He reached out to me on social media … asking if he could know if we are gonna have a funeral," the dad wrote. "I told him to [expletive] off," as many of us would.
He's trying to protect his children from the pain. But he also wants revenge.
Few would fault this dad for barring the affair partner from the funeral — especially given that his two teen kids, who have already been through the trauma of their parents' split, are "a mess."
"I can't say I've been much better," he admitted. "At one point, I was so angry at my wife that I wanted her to get hurt, now I find myself wishing she was still here with me and our kids." But his wife was already making a new life with this man — it's hard to ignore the question of whether or not he should be allowed at his partner's funeral.
The dad explained that he told the affair partner no in part because he's "trying to keep my family from falling apart." But that's not the only reason: "I'd be lying if I said part of me didn't wish for this guy to hurt."
It's admirable that he's trying to be magnanimous, but his children need to be his number one priority.
The complicated morality of infidelity aside, their marriage was over, and his wife and her new partner had begun making a life together. What's done is done, and nobody benefits from insisting that a marriage that's already over be honored at a funeral because of legal semantics.
Brett Sayles | Pexels | Canva Pro
But there are kids involved here — and that trumps everything else. The simplest approach is to just candidly tell the other man that his kids need to be protected from extra drama. Other Redditors suggested that he enlist the funeral director's help with making sure this man stays away. Funeral professionals are trained to manage these kinds of details so the grieving don't have to.
These situations are complicated, but when it comes to traumatic events, kids must be prioritized. They are the ones with the undeveloped brains, not yet equipped to handle such tragedies, and they need their dad to protect them and guide them through it.
The bottom line is that if his wife's new partner is a man of even a shred of integrity himself, he'll be understanding and put the kids first, too — by waiting to grieve their mother at a time and place that won't add to their load. If he chooses otherwise, it's no one's problem to navigate but his own.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
