3 Tragic Lessons From Having An Affair (And Why I'd Never Do It Again)
Infidelity often results in painful life lessons.
Rido | Canva A disclaimer: I'm in no way promoting having an affair, nor am I assuaging myself of the guilt I carry for my actions, lest anyone should think otherwise. This is just my inquiry into the wisdom I can derive at this point in my life as I work to let go of and heal from the impact of this experience.
Let me begin by saying that I'm married to a wonderful man who truly loves and understands me for who I am. But after five years of marriage and a vivacious three-year-old son, I felt my life — what was left — slipping out of my grasp. I wanted and needed to grab onto something ... someone that would help me feel like my "old" self. And sure enough, I met that very person who I'd go on to have an affair with.
Like all cheaters, I tried to lie my way out of it. But in the end, I confessed and felt relieved because I was exhausted by the lies and double life I was leading. Ultimately, I learned a great deal about myself that I would never have discovered had I not had an affair.
Here are 3 tragic lessons from having an affair, and why I'd never do it again:
1. I learned to not judge others so quickly
The biggest deception that I carried around was all of the things I once categorized as "I would never!" Having an affair was the biggest, juiciest doozy on that list. It was the one thing I thought I'd truly never do. It wasn't who I am as a woman.
I considered myself "better than that." However, my affair with Noah became the undoing of who I always thought I was. It was the removal of the innermost layer of self-righteousness that kept me from being "one of those people."
In this way of decidedly ridding myself of this self-image, I learned genuine compassion for my fellow human beings. I learned not to be so quick to judge or judge harshly. Everyone's circumstances are different and now I'm much less quick to judge people and their life events. It's not the most uncommon thing, with one YouGov poll showing that over 30% of respondents reported cheating on a significant other.
2. I learned that so much about cheating is a distraction from your own life
Now, hear me out. I know it may seem crazy or impossible — because hello, how could I distract myself from the life I was living? I was immersed in it after all. But it's true. Having an affair was the easiest method through which I could distract myself.
It was my drug of choice, simply for the gigantic intoxication factor of the potent emotions I experienced. It quickly grew into my most intense craving, the withdrawals of which were exquisitely painful.
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3. I learned that sometimes you end up where you thought you never would
There's always a reason for beginning an affair, and it relates to some issue in your existing relationship. It's far better to face and resolve that first. You don't just "find" yourself having an affair or "end up" in bed with someone. It's your choice, but it's a choice that can be beautifully rationalized.
I kept telling myself that there are no wrong paths; there are no bad intentions; and that we're all doing the best we can do, given where we are on our path and the resources we have available at the time. Before it's too late, take a look at what's missing or unfulfilling in your relationship, why that is, and whether you can (or even want to) do something about it. It's preferable to try renewing your relationship or end it with mutual respect.
So, would I ever do this again? No, because I learned what forgiveness takes. My husband has since forgiven me for my transgressions and I would never want to jeopardize his trust in me again.
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Going forward, I know it will be extremely hard for him to not visualize me with this other man and question my whereabouts at any given time. And it's going to be an uphill battle for me to earn his trust and faith in me. But I know it's worth it because I know where my heart is.
There's hope for us after all, with Divorce Magazine doing its research and finding that 60-75% of couples who have experienced a betrayal stay together. Affairs aren't for everyone. If you're contemplating having one, make sure you have a very good understanding of what it is you'll lose if things should end up going south.
Alex Alexander is a pseudonym. The author of this article is known to YourTango but is choosing to remain anonymous.