10 Common Phrases Dads Say To Their Kids That Are Actually Considered Gaslighting
Kids deserve your full love and validation.
pics five / Shutterstock Parents know all too well how difficult it can be to stay level-headed during an intense moment with the kids. Without even realizing it, they may say things from a place of stress that can have a profound impact on their kids. In particular, there are some common phrases dads say to their kids that are actually considered gaslighting.
Often, these are things they heard themselves growing up. It’s a curious moment when they recognize that, without even trying, they’ve slipped into using the same phrases or mannerisms that were used on them by their parents. Children need to know that their feelings are seen, heard, and understood. When parents dismiss these feelings with gaslighting phrases, they become understandably confused and frustrated.
Here are 10 common phrases dads say to their kids that are actually considered gaslighting.
1. "You’re fine. Shake it off.”
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While it can be annoying to listen to your kid having a tantrum or throwing a fit, they often do not do it simply to hear the sound of themselves doing it. They are often in a place of emotional distress or physical pain and cannot quite express it. Telling them “you’re fine,” only makes it worse.
“Many adults and parents don’t realize the emotional harm that these two simple words can cause,” mental health counselor Rachel Tuchman shared.
“Telling our kids to suppress their emotions causes them to miss out on opportunities to learn some really important life skills. Forget the fact that this never works, the harm it causes is real and often long term.”
Instead of saying “you’re fine,” to an obviously distressed child, Tuchman encourages dads and other parents to validate their feelings. They should aim to say things like," You're really upset. It's okay to feel upset,” and “I’m listening to you” to make them feel truly heard.
2. “You can’t be full. There’s still food on your plate.”
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If you grew up with the, “you must finish your entire plate” rule, you may introduce it to your own kids without realizing the potential harm it can cause. Children know how to tell when they are full and when they should stop eating. Forcing them to clean their entire plate can hinder their ability to recognize hunger cues and potentially lead to unhealthy habits.
“Requiring children to eat everything on their plate, or withholding dessert unless all other foods are eaten, can lead to overconsumption, especially if portion sizes are too large for the child's age,” pediatrician Susan Woolford, M.D. told Michigan Medicine.
Instead of forcing children to consume everything that is on their plate in one sitting, dads should understand when they are full, and suggest saving the rest for another time.
Your children will still get all of their nutrients if you prepare healthy meals most of the time! They may just not want everything all at once.
3. “You can’t be cold. It’s hot outside.”
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Despite outdoor temperatures, some people may have difficulty regulating their own internal body temperature and may need extra layers even if it may be hot for others.
When children feel too hot or too cold, it is a recipe for disaster if they are not offered a warm jacket or access to air conditioning. They are going to be cranky and miserable if their parents do not truly acknowledge what they are feeling.
Even if you may not be cold, this doesn’t mean that your child isn’t. Instead of telling them what they do and don’t feel, offer them something that would make them more comfortable.
4. "You’re making me so frustrated right now.”
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Even if our children may push our buttons like no one else can, they may be feeling just as frustrated as they make us and cannot adequately express it. This just leads to more frustration on both ends.
According to Gordon Training International, when children are blamed for their parents' emotions, they will feel responsible for the way their parents feel, and they will think it is up to them to make them feel better.
Parents’ emotions are not something their children should be expected to carry on their shoulders. It is a parent’s responsibility to collect themselves and get a handle on their frustrations.
There is nothing wrong with letting your children know that you need a few moments to gather your emotions, but that it is not their fault you are feeling a bit overwhelmed.
5. “That’s not what happened. You’re remembering it wrong.”
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No matter what a parent may be referring to here, this phrase alone is gaslighting at its finest. It denies the child’s version of events and perception of their reality, making them question their judgement and memory even if it actually happened exactly the way they remember it.
If you are a parent who genuinely remembers the event in question differently, sit your child down and talk to them about it. Let them know that their feelings are valid, and while you do not believe that they are lying, your perspective of the event just may be slightly different.
6. “You should know better by now.”
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Children are ever changing mysterious creatures. They all grow at their own pace. Even if you believe they should be acting a certain way by a certain age, your expectations will not always be exceeded.
Telling a child they should know better places blame on them, making them feel ashamed or guilty for something they may not be able to control. Implying children “should know better” can undermine their confidence and may lead them to doubt themselves.
Instead, parents should aim to explain things to their kids in a way they can digest them. That way one day, they will know better.
7. “Stop being scared. There’s nothing to worry about.”
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Everyone has different fears, whether it be needles, dogs or heights. Even if we may not have the same fears, it doesn’t mean that they are irrational.
The child who is afraid of heights might’ve taken a nasty spill off of the monkey bars. The one who is terrified of dogs may have been bitten by one. Unless we are living in someone else’s body, we do not know why they may fear the things they do and the experiences they’ve had.
Parents should take care not to tell their children to stop being afraid of certain things (if only it were that easy!). Even if they rationally know that their children’s fears may not hurt them, they should offer comfort instead of belittling them.
8. “You should be grateful. Some kids have it worse.”
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Just because one kid has two broken legs, it doesn’t mean that your child’s scraped knee doesn’t hurt. The same logic applies to this phrase. Just because you may have a stable household with a steady income, food on the table and involved parents, it doesn’t mean that your child will not hurt.
Even if someone else's situation is objectively "worse" than yours, it doesn't mean that you are not experiencing very real, very valid emotions.
No parent should tell their child that they shouldn't experience their emotions. Instead, they should validate their feelings and ask what they can do to make things better.
9. “That didn’t hurt.”
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If a parent accidentally bumps into their child or their child falls off their bike and they burst into tears, the parent does not have the right to tell them that they didn’t get hurt. It ultimately dismisses their very real pain.
According to Parenting Style, telling your child that they didn’t get hurt after they’ve physically hurt themselves or have had their feelings hurt potentially discourages them from openly expressing their emotions as they internalize the fact that their feelings are unwelcome and unwanted.
If your child is visibly upset and hurt, parents should offer them comfort in the form of a listening ear or a hug rather than denying how they feel.
10. “You always make things up.”
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Having a different perspective doesn’t necessarily mean that your child is “making things up.” Sometimes, they just remember things differently than you do. Telling your child that they are making things up invalidates their memory and emotions and is a subjective way of telling them that their experience is not true, which could potentially harm their emotional well-being.
Instead of placing blame and guilt on your child, parents should strive to understand their perspectives a bit better. They could say, “I don’t recall it that way, but I’d like to understand your point of view better.”
This leaves room for their child to open up about their own experiences without judgement.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.