Dads Who Say These 10 Phrases Usually Don't Have Close Relationships With Their Daughters When They Grow Up
Dads have a major impact on their daughters' lives, including how confident and worthy they feel.
Goksi | Shutterstock Parental estrangement is an emotionally-fraught topic, yet there's more discussion and research around the issue now than ever before. There are varying degrees of estrangement, from being low-contact to having no contact at all. The way parents treat their kids in childhood has a major impact on how close they are in adulthood, and dads who say certain phrases usually don't have close relationships with their daughters when they grow up.
According to a study from the Journal of Marriage and Family, 26% of participants reported being estranged from their fathers, and the average age for that estrangement was 23 years old. All family dynamics are complicated. Relationships between parents and their children are often impacted by gendered expectations, which is why dads should pay especially close attention to how they talk to their daughters.
Dads who say these 10 phrases usually don't have close relationships their daughters when they grow up
1. 'You're being dramatic'
Kamira | Shutterstock
Dads who tell their daughters, “You’re being dramatic,” usually don’t have close relationships with them when they grow up. By using this phrase, dads essentially tell their daughters that expressing their emotions is a negative thing, rather than a healthy form of communication.
Being sensitive isn’t a bad trait, yet when a dad tells his daughter she’s being dramatic, he’s framing her sensitive nature as something to be ashamed of. It’s likely that she’ll stop sharing her feelings with him, which can seriously limit the emotional depth of their relationship.
According to a study from the Journal of Adolescence, the existence of a nurturing relationship between fathers and daughters is directly related to a daughter’s well-being. Positive communication is linked to higher self-esteem and better mental health outcomes. The more involved a father is in his daughter's life, the less likely she is to have emotional and behavioral problems.
Overall, the study found that a close father-daughter relationship leads to higher academic and professional success, along with higher self-esteem and higher levels of secure partner attachment.
Dads who are emotionally supportive of their daughters help them become successful adults, while dads who invalidate their feelings can harm their future and usually don’t have close relationships with them when they grow up.
2. 'I know what's best for you'
Monkey Business Images | Shutterstock
Dads who say “I know what’s best for you” might have good intentions, but using this phrase means they usually don’t have close relationships with their daughters when they grow up. By telling their daughters that they know best, dads undermine their sense of independence and autonomy, which can make daughters feel resentful.
According to the concept of Self-Determination Theory, there are three basic psychological needs that have to be met for functioning, growth, and well-being: Autonomy, relatedness, and competence. People’s need to feel autonomous relies on a feeling of freedom and being able to make their own decisions. Their need for relatedness means they have to cultivate genuine, caring, and responsive relationships with other people who hold importance in their lives. Their need for competence requires feeling like they’re capable of pursuing their goals and seeing positive outcomes.
Getting these three basic needs met allows for psychological growth, which is why it’s so valuable for dads to let their daughters make their own decisions, even when they lead to mistakes. But when dads tell their daughters that they know best, it denies young women the opportunity to grow and learn to trust themselves.
3. 'You're just like your mother'
Nikodash | Shutterstock
Dads who tell their daughters, “You’re just like your mother,” usually don’t have close relationships with them when they grow up, especially if the comparison is a negative one. Daughters who repeatedly hear that they’re just like their mothers end up feeling resentful and judged by their dads for who they are.
When dads say “You’re just like your mother,” daughters often feel like they aren’t good enough, or that their dads expect them to be different. This lack of radical acceptance often creates emotional distance, which can lead to daughters cutting off contact with their dads later in life.
4. 'You'll understand when you're older'
LightField Studios | Shutterstock
When dads say the phrase “You’ll understand when you’re older,” daughters tend to feel dismissed instead of supported, especially when they’re expressing vulnerability.
Consultant and well-being expert Tchiki Davis revealed why vulnerability is so important to being your most authentic self, even when it feels difficult or scary.
“Most of us don’t really want to show the parts of us that we don’t like — the parts that scare us or make us feel ashamed, embarrassed, or weak. It’s not so easy to share these parts of ourselves,” Davis explained. “We worry: What if others change their opinion of us, reject us, or abandon us?”
“It’s scary to be so openly vulnerable,” she continued. “It’s like opening up an old wound and telling others right where to poke you. But to fully be ourselves we have to be our full selves.”
Daughters who open up to their dads about challenges they’re facing or insecurities they have, only to be told that they’ll understand better when they’re older, generally feel like their dads aren’t really hearing them or letting them be their most authentic selves.
As Davis pointed out, “The goal is to be able to be all of yourself, at least some of the time,” but dads who don’t let their daughters be their fullest selves usually don’t have close relationships with them when they grow up.
5. 'Just let me handle it'
Bricolage | Shutterstock
Dads who say, “Just let me handle it” usually don’t have close relationships with their daughters when they grow up. While using this phrase might come from a well-meaning place, as dads want to protect their daughters, it can send a message that she can’t trust herself to be fully capable on her own.
Daughters who aren’t given space to develop confidence end up stuck in their own self-doubt, which hinders their ability to take care of themselves when they’re older. Coach Alex Mathers shared that while self-doubt is a common human experience, giving into it can stop you from reaching your goals.
He revealed that some amount of self-doubt can be helpful, since it points out places where we can grow.
“Many of us confuse doubt from our lack of skills with personal inadequacy,” Mathers explained. “It could be true that you need more practice to be more effective in something, but that has nothing to do with personal worth.”
“Know that whenever you feel insecure, you can see it as a sign you’re doing the right thing. You’re leaning into your edges and getting close to reaping the rewards of taking courage,” he concluded.
6. 'You can't wear that out of the house'
2Design | Shutterstock
Dads who say, “You can’t wear that out of the house” usually don’t have close relationships with their daughters when they grow up. While setting limits and expecting their daughters to respect household rules is valid, dictating what she can or can’t wear is often a sign of being overly controlling.
When dads tell their daughters they can’t wear certain clothes, it sends a deeply harmful message that the potential of being mistreated is ultimately her fault, because of her outfit. Using this phrase is a form of victim-blaming, and it denies daughters the ability to express their authenticity and make decisions for themselves.
7. 'You're too independent for your own good'
Gladskikh Tatiana | Shutterstock
When dads say, “You’re too independent for your own good,” it frames being independent as a negative trait and not a sign of strength. All too often, girls and young women are taught to shrink themselves down, to fit into socially-prescribed boxes and limiting definitions of how they should act and present themselves in public. While parenting a head-strong daughter might be challenging, dads should aim to foster their daughters’ sense of independence, rather than suppress it.
A study from the North American Journal of Psychology noted that strong, connected father-daughter relationships rely on the fathers’ level of engagement, accessibility, and responsibility. The researchers found a direct correlation between those traits and daughters’ self-esteem and their life satisfaction.
The study concluded that young women who identify with and relate to their fathers have higher levels of self-esteem, success, and independence.
Dads who help their daughters become independent set them up for a successful adulthood, while dads who tell them they’re “too independent” hold them back, and usually don’t have close relationships with their daughters when they’re grown up.
8. 'You need to grow up'
Ground Picture | Shutterstock
Dads who tell their daughters, “You need to grow up” usually don’t have close relationships with them once they do grow up. This phrase sends the message that her feelings aren’t important, or that she’s being irrational, which will most likely lead to her keeping her emotions to herself in the future.
Opening up about her worries and fears might not be easy, so being told “You need to grow up” makes her feel dismissed by her dad, whose guidance and support she relies on. Denying her experience will only make it harder for her to develop the emotional strength she needs to face challenges.
Psychologist Nick Wignall shared ways to cultivate emotional strength, which included being tolerant of your emotions and not discounting how you feel.
“Much of emotional strength involves learning better ways to respond to difficult emotions and moods so that they don’t explode out of control,” he explained, noting that while “the initial difficult feelings are often inevitable,” we still have to push through them.
“No matter how self-aware you are of your painful emotions, they will still hurt when they show up unannounced,” Wignall continued.
“You need to be able to live your life despite feeling difficult emotions,” he concluded. “The trick is to build up your emotional tolerance.”
Dads who tell their daughters they need to grow up discount their emotions, teaching them to push their feelings aside, which ultimately damages their ability to gain emotional tolerance.
9. 'Why do you make everything so difficult?'
New Africa | Shutterstock
Dads who say the phrase “Why do you make everything so difficult” usually don’t have close relationships with their daughters when they grow up. Saying this phrase makes daughters feel like they’re a burden, or that they’re just “too much” to handle.
When dads use this phrase, it teaches daughters to put their needs last. It can lead them to become conflict-avoidant, which means they don’t know how to advocate for themselves in difficult situations. Young women need to learn that their needs are valid and deserve to be met, or else they will end up in relationships that don’t provide them with the care and emotional support they deserve.
10. 'I don't have time for this'
fizkes | Shutterstock
Dads who say, “I don’t have time for this” usually don’t have close relationships with their daughters when they grow up. Casting their needs aside makes daughters feel like they’re not important enough for the dads to pay attention to, which can make them cut off contact later in life.
According to a survey by the Pew Research Center, more mothers than fathers reported being present, involved, and available to their children. 71% of moms said they do more to manage their kids’ schedules. 72% of moms said they provide more comfort and emotional support than dads do.
Dads have a major impact on their daughters’ lives, including how confident and worthy they feel. When dads devote time and attention to their daughters, they show them just how much they matter. Yet dads who tell their daughters that they don’t have time for them usually don’t have close relationships with them when they grow up.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.