9 Clues You Raised Your Kids Well Even If They Haven’t Thanked You Yet
Parenting isn’t a thankless job — sometimes it just takes a while to get the thank-you.
Tiger Lily | Pexels We are our children's first everything: first touch, the first car ride home from the hospital, and their first loves. And we have to make sure we do it right.
How parents interact with their kids is important, but how parents behave toward other adults and their spouses sends clear messages to their children about how to relate with others. Even if your kids haven't said thank you, here are nine subtle clues that you did a good job as a parent.
Here are the clues you’ve raised your kids well — even if they haven’t thanked you yet:
1. You disagree with your partner in front of them
Experts have been saying for a long time parents shouldn't fight in front of their kids, and I can't agree with all that. Not the highly emotional, private, or loud kind of fighting, but parents should be disagreeing in front of their kids, even if it gets a little heated.
Why? Because kids need to learn how to fight fairly and with compassion for others. They need to see what a healthy fight with a partner looks like — there's no belittlement, intimidation, name-calling, manipulation, or abuse happening — to know how to behave with their partners and how they should be treated.
2. You make up with your partner in front of them, too
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Too often, parents start to argue in front of their kids and then table the rest of their discussion for later, to not upset them. This seems like a great idea, but the problem is when your kids don't get to see how the argument was resolved — they may not even know there was a resolution, and they may internalize some stress over the fact they're not sure how or when their parents made up.
Remember to say "I’m sorry" "I love you" and "I will try to do better" and all the other phrases to show compassion and love, even when you disagree, and try to find a resolution in front of your kids — even if it's just temporary.
3. You help those in need as part of your daily life
Saying "Today, you kids are going to learn there are people who are less fortunate than you!" and marching them down for a once-yearly visit to the food bank or soup kitchen is not the way to teach kids to be giving.
It's better to show them that others' needs are important in our day-to-day lives by including them in small but frequent acts of giving, like bringing old blankets and towels to the animal shelter, dropping coins in the donation bins by the grocery store check-out, volunteering at school and every other act of giving your family takes part in.
The trip to the soup kitchen is great in concept, but the people who work there and those who are eating are not a "scared straight" program for you to use and abuse for your kids to learn to appreciate eating their green beans.
It's better to take a trip to the offices when they're not busy prepping or serving and ask them how you can best help. Take the kids with you. Offer to cook or clean or, if they ask and you're able, write them a check. Ask what you can buy weekly and deliver to them that they can always use. Listen to the professionals about how you can help, they know how to get the best work done.
Whatever you do, make it a regular activity, and don't make a big deal out of it to your kids. Just make giving, as an act of love for all, a part of life.
4. You treat your friends the way you hope they'll treat theirs
The way you treat the people in your life is a daily lesson to your kids about how to love people. No matter what it is you tell them to do, if your kids hear you gossiping, they'll become gossip. If they hear you badmouth someone they know, they'll think it is normal and OK.
What's more, they'll also expect people to treat them this way, and accept the presence of crappy people in their lives.
If you absolutely must vent about a friend in front of your kids, do so constructively, in a way you'd like to hear them talk about a problem. Saying, "When Bob said that, it hurt my feelings," is a way better lesson on how to talk about a problem than, "Bob is so toxic, I hate that guy."
5. You treat strangers the way you hope they’ll treat strangers
I can't tell you how many times I've watched a parent command their child to say "Please" or "Thank you," but then treat people (especially baristas and other service staff) like crap right in front of their kids.
Do you think your kid is going to grow up polite because you forced them to say "Thank you?" No, your kid will look straight through people or snap at them the way you do.
You should treat strangers politely because it's the right thing to do. But if that's not reason enough, do it so your kids don't grow up to be rude. Take a moment before interacting with people to remember the humanity of every person in front of you. Look them in the eye, smile, and greet them as you would a friend. Your kids will gain this skill and it will take them far.
6. You are an up-stander, not a bystander
Whenever you get the opportunity (if the situation is safe for you, with your kids), be the person who steps in to help or advocate for people. Call 911 if you see a drunk driver, report domestic violence if you see it, assist someone injured in a car accident, help someone who has dropped their bags, or catch a loose grocery cart headed for another person's car.
Let your kids know you stand against injustice by being vocal in your community. If somebody is being harmed or discriminated against, be the person who raises their voice against it and tries to make a change.
One thing to help end bullying among young people is a community's unwillingness to accept bad behavior. There are great anti-bullying programs that can help, but parents can teach these values, too. Kids on the playground standing up for someone who is being picked on can make real change, even if they just quietly tell a teacher.
One major act of love is to teach your kid to say, "Hey, that's not cool" when someone makes a sexist, racist, or homophobic joke. But more importantly, be that person yourself.
7. You aren't a snob
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First, don't be a snob simply because snobs are terrible. But if it is not reason enough for you, think about how your kids are internalizing your snobbish behavior.
Snobbery, or any other form of elitism, operates by making a person feel superior for having something supposedly better than another person, according to research from The International Studies in Sociology of Education. You may not think you're teaching your kids this value, but if you're judging others based upon things like having a run-down car, "tacky" clothes, living in a "bad" area, or a different body shape than yours, you're teaching them to be a snob. And judging someone like this is not love.
On top of that, your kid will think people judge them based on something shallow. Your child will worry about not being good enough, having nice enough clothes, or having enough money for the rest of their lives if this is your value. After all, there'll always be someone richer, prettier, stronger, or with a nicer car. That's just the way life goes. Snobbery teaches kids they have to be the best, or they are less than others.
Empower your kid to look past surface judgments by doing so yourself. Keep your comments about other people to yourself, and always be an example of not only how you'd like your child to judge others — but also how you'd like others to judge your child.
8. You look them in the eye when speaking to them
We're parents, I get how busy we are. We come home from work with our heads spinning and the boss still buzzing us on our phones. It's hard to connect.
But as soon as you meet up after time apart, take a moment to get face-to-face with your child, and connect with your eyes, as supported by a study from the APA. Smile, tell them you love them, and ask them how their day was. Your attention, with your eyes on their eyes with softness and love, shows them how important they are more effective than any words of affirmation you could offer.
When you can, put down your phone. It's hard for me, too, but I'm trying. I want my kids to learn how to listen effectively and with a whole heart, and when I'm on my phone or distracted, I'm not teaching them that skill. So much love is about truly listening. It's a gift.
9. You always offer unconditional love
Love for your child is not conditional. It doesn't go away when you're mad, and it doesn't hinge upon how they're behaving. For your child to know they deserve respect from others, you need to offer the same to them. That means not withholding love or attention from your child as a means of punishing them.
Show them how to set healthy boundaries by setting your own, even when it means enforcing consequences for bad behavior. But always keep your love for your child at the center of everything you do, and let them know it. If you don't, they will spend a lifetime tiptoeing around their friends and partners, afraid of losing their love.
Joanna Schroeder is a parenting writer, editor, and media critic with bylines in The New York Times, The Boston Globe, Esquire, and more. Her forthcoming book Talk To Your Boys: 16 Crucial Conversations To Have With Your Tween & Teenage Sons will be available September 2025.