6 Healthy Values That Get Twisted When People Let Their Exes Come Back
Somehow, it happens again and again.
Ozan Çulha | Canva “Why do you keep going back?” It’s a question I heard many times when I was in a toxic relationship. But how do you explain to them? How do you answer that?
Telling my friends and family that I was still in love and knew my partner would change didn't matter. And rightfully so, because it wasn’t them I was trying to convince, but rather myself.
It’s hard to see when you are in it, mainly because we don’t want to admit the person we love does not love us as they should. But going back to a person who continues to mistreat you is like shooting off your toes and wondering why you are stumbling through life.
Six things that get twisted when we let our exes back into our lives
1. They're too generous with people who don't deserve it
You have forgotten your self-worth.
When we start to lose our self-worth, we also lose our boundaries and understanding of what is healthy and right, as supported by research in the European Proceedings of Social and Behavioural Sciences. Dating someone who is destroying you will only continue to drain you of your energy and self-value simply because it’s a one-sided relationship, and you will be the one making all the effort.
When someone takes advantage of your generous nature, feelings, or heart, they begin to hold power over you that makes you crave them even more. The more someone takes, the more we think we are needed and wanted.
But a toxic relationship is not about give and take at all. It’s all about taking — leaving nothing for the giver.
2. They're focused on the positive instead of what's present
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You are thinking with your heart instead of your head. It’s easy to do, especially when you haven’t moved on.
The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that an on-again/off-again relationship with a toxic person is usually governed by volatile emotions. There will be this ongoing drama and chase, which can become an illicit addiction. We think that negative attention is better than no attention at all, so we keep going back for more.
Most of the time, we know that it isn’t right, but we manage to convince ourselves the love we have for them is enough of a reason to keep being abused.
3. You are hoping they will change
The problem with living in hope is there is no guaranteed outcome. In some circumstances, people do change, and breakthroughs are made, but rather than comparing yourself to those one-off situations, compare your relationship to what is healthy.
It hurts to walk away from someone you love, but it will hurt you even more to stay with someone toxic. Healthy, fulfilling relationships are not about living in hope of what you want it to be, but rather thriving and functioning in the reality of what it is.
4. You are seeking some sort of closure
While there are still raw emotions and unfinished business between you, it’s normal to keep going back. However, every time you re-enter a toxic relationship, you create even more questions and open ends. Think of yourself as having a wound that needs to heal. Each time you re-open it, the longer it will now take you to recover.
An article in the Family Process Journal explains sometimes closure is a luxury, and we simply have to accept something is not going to happen in the time or way we want it to. Closure is a choice. It has nothing to do with the other person you are yearning to get it from.
5. You love them more than you love yourself
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Yes, you love them, this is clear — but loving someone destructive to your self-worth is not going to get you anywhere.
In these situations, the best thing you can do is love yourself with as much effort as you love them. This means removing yourself from the toxic relationship — permanently.
When toxic people see you have enough self-respect and love to walk away, it gives them a great example of what love looks like. In no way does your presence give them the right to abuse you, and by leaving, you can help them see abuse should never be tolerated.
6. They are familiar, and you are scared of letting go
It’s hard to let go of someone and something so familiar to us, even if it is for the wrong reasons, as suggested by the Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment, and Trauma.
Chances are you know the drill — they hurt you, you fight, you leave, they apologize, you come back — and then it happens again and again.
The pain has become a controllable emotion, and in a way, you have become comfortable because you know what to expect. Walking into the unknown means you don’t know what will happen next.
But that’s just the thing: we are in control of our happiness and choices, and while we can’t always choose what happens to us, we can control our reaction to it. You deserve to be in a happy, safe, and peaceful relationship.
It was a long journey for me, but after I came through the other side, it’s amazing what peace I found. Don’t be afraid to take the leap and walk away once and for all.
Renee Slansky is a relationship and dating coach, as well as the founder of The Dating Directory, an online community for women doing love, life, and relationships.