4 Things Men Do When They Want You Back — But Aren't Planning To Treat You Any Better
If he does these, just keep walking.
Dean Drobot, Maca and Naca | Canva It hurts. I know it hurts. There is nothing more painful than having the person you love break your heart. Like literally. You can feel it shatter into a thousand pieces.
Yes, relationships are hard work, and rarely do they work with the same person the second time around. You could be an exception to the rule, and he could be, too. But let’s not get lost in the moment and forget the signs of why you should just keep walking, even if it kills you, too.
Four warning signs a man wants you back, but isn't going to treat you any better
1. They're interested in you, but remorseful
If this man you love so dearly is not showing remorse or taking responsibility for his actions that caused the breakup, then why are you allowing him back in? Relationships are a two-way street. No one is perfect, we get it. But each person needs to be accountable to the other and their actions, as explored by Collin Joshua Wright, Brigham Young University.
Maybe he wasn’t toxic. Maybe it was your baggage that broke things apart. However, it takes two to tango, and you need to look at why he is now contacting you again.
Does he want to make it work, like really make it work? Is he truly sorry for what he has done? Or is this just his way of keeping you on tenterhooks because he doesn’t want anyone else to have you?
His attitude throughout the break-up will give you a good indication of how he feels, so don’t forget to look at the whole process and not just the part where the prince comes to rescue you.
2. He's hanging around but not actively trying to win you back
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If a man messed up and lost you, then he should be doing everything in his power to win you back. Let’s not sugarcoat this, ladies: if a man wants to be with you, he will do anything to make that happen.
The problem is that as soon as we get a little bit from them, we tend to throw out all that hard work of healing and being strong, all for the little they are offering in return. We focus on our present pain instead of the past cause of the pain.
Right now, if he is not putting in that extra effort to pursue you and woo you again, then you shouldn’t be entertaining the thought of giving him a second chance.
3. He wants you to forget what he did — not just forgive
When you are in a world of pain, it is easy to think a moment of hope will make everything the way it should be.
If your relationship fell apart because your partner cheated, betrayed, or hurt you in a significant way, then that is something you shouldn’t forget so readily, as suggested by an article on betrayal trauma in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence.
Yes, forgiveness is important, more so for your sake than theirs, but it shouldn’t serve as a way to erase the cold, hard truth about their character and what they did.
Don’t lose perspective on why you split just because you haven’t been able to move on.
4. He's not interested in giving you a sense of peace or security
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The biggest indication your relationship is healthy and right is if you have peace. This isn’t about him just fulfilling a temporary need or emotion, but rather having a constant sense of deep peace about your partnership.
Here’s the thing: relationships aren’t meant to be full of turmoil or anxiety. There will be seasons of hardship, but the growth and effort should always be equal and mutual. Your heart and mind should be on the same page. It isn’t meant to be a constant battle in your head or life, as suggested by a study on self-determination theory in relationship development published in the Personality and Social Psychology Review.
If you have broken up, then my guess is there was a lack of peace to some degree in the first place. Because people don’t break up to get back together, they split because something is wrong, and change needs to happen.
All you want to do is dissolve into a puddle of tears and preferably sleep until everything is better in 10 years’ time.
Time becomes your enemy, and with each day, you slowly morph into a robot, void of any feeling but coping … just barely. It’s one extreme to the other.
Total devastation, to just feeling completely emotionally empty. Like this big hole is left where they used to be.
It’s a grieving process that you start to get swallowed up in even when you try to fight it, it slowly folds around your heart and mind. Then you get that text. That single text. That little message that says, “I miss you.”
The one that causes your blood to flow, your heart to race, and your mind to follow.
Your senses come to life, and all you can think about is that maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance it could work again.
I’ve been there. Deep in the black hole and then being drawn to the glimmer of hope that they dangle so tantalizingly in front of you. It’s a dangerous place to be because all our rational thinking is overwhelmed by our emotions.
We automatically forget the pain they caused or why it didn’t work out.
In times of distress and longing, it’s easy to only remember the good times because that is what brings us comfort, and that is what we want to cling to.
But it didn’t work out. And there is a reason, a reason that caused you a lot of pain and is something you shouldn’t ignore.
As much as you want to take him back, just be sure that you are doing it for the right reasons and from an emotionally intelligent perspective. Step outside your pain for one moment and ask yourself if he truly is someone who adds to your life. Does he make you feel valued and loved, and does he have the mindset and qualities to give you the relationship you deserve?
There are so many things we already settle for; love should not be one of them.
Renee Slansky is a relationship and dating coach, as well as the founder of The Dating Directory, an online community for women doing love, life and relationships.