5 Signs Your Instincts Are Correct And Your Partner Is A Huge Bully
Your bully spouse knows how far they can push you.
Studio 31 | Canva Anyone can become a bully. Sometimes the person is cruel, other times it's an old, subconscious pattern of behavior they've never been held accountable for. Regardless of why it happens, one of the worst parts of being bullied by a partner is that you stop trusting your instincts.
Many bullies can wear a mask and act normal, but when they are stressed or dissatisfied, they show their bully mindset, especially toward their families. They may deny their behavior or blame others for their unkindness. If this feels familiar, the following five signs may help you validate your instincts so you can seek support — for your relationship
Five signs your instincts are correct and your partner is actually a bully
1. They are unpredictable with what sets them off
The same behavior you did yesterday with no response may set off an explosion today. It is frequently like this in your home. You never know what will make them overreact. This can cause you to feel unsettled, as if you can't firmly plant your feet in the ground. That feeling of being unsettled can be manipulated by a bully to make you doubt yourself.
2. They accuse you of lying, misremembering or falsifying information
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Therapist Brittney Lindstrom pointed out how this is gaslighting behavior, "You second-guess your ability to recall past events and details. Because you start believing their judgments and versions of events, you start to second and third-guess yourself and wonder if certain things were completely made up in your own mind. You revisit arguments in your head over and over, wondering how you could possibly have been so sure you were right when they so easily proved you wrong."
The only way to prove this is to tape-record your discussions if they get tense. Some therapists believe that even the idea of the recording will encourage people to behave better and show more respect. But if this behavior has gotten out of hand, please seek guidance from a professional.
3. They make fun of you or tease you with critical remarks
If you tell them this hurts your feelings they respond by saying they were just kidding, and ask what is wrong with you. They chide you for not being able to take a joke.
4. They isolate or reject you
If you don’t do or say exactly what they want, they push you away. It is their way of showing you who has the most power in the relationship.
Divorce coach Karen Finn explained, "Control — and abuse, in general — thrives in a context of isolation. If you notice that your social life has become non-existent, or if your spouse shames you for your friendships, you have reason to be concerned."
5. They make threats
They say if you don’t “come to your senses” or give in to their way they will leave you, divorce you, take your money, or take the kids; there are few limits here. They are bullies, and they do what they have to to get their way.
If you are trying to work on your marriage with a bully, there are a few ways to make it easier to cope with them. When and if abuse is part of the relationship the best choice is to separate, as suggested by American Psychological Association studies on coercive control.. Keep this separation until your spouse can come to terms with their behavior and accept they have problems that must be worked out for the marriage to survive.
The only person you can change in this relationship is yourself and your reactions to your spouse’s behavior. Being as direct as possible with your bully spouse will help them know how far they can push you. It will begin to make you feel more in control of what your choices are.
- When your bully spouse treats you well, always tell them you appreciate the way they are communicating with you.
- As much as possible, nurture your relationship with continued time alone and communicate with one another about the vision for your marriage.
- Using “I feel” statements helps your spouse not become defensive and also helps you define and claim what you are feeling Be honest with yourself and stop covering for your spouse when they are demonstrating bully behavior.
- Whenever possible let your spouse receive the natural consequences they will from their bully behavior.
- One of the worst things about being married to a bully is they demonstrate and mentor their behavior for their children.
An open, honest relationship where both spouses can discuss the behavior and work toward eliminating it together is the best treatment approach.
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a psychotherapist, author, speaker, and intimacy counselor.