9 Painfully Honest Signs You've Settled In Your Relationship
You might not be getting everything you deserve.
perfectwave | Canva It's easier to know when to break up when someone is a complete jerk. Those breakups are almost a no-brainer. Considering breaking up with someone you love is not that cut and dry.
Often, the small nuances of a relationship in the back of your brain make you question, should I break up with my partner? Things are happening you cannot quite put your finger on — something just feels "off."
When you feel this way, you wonder, "Am I getting everything I want in a relationship?" You might also start thinking, "Are they a good fit? Are they right for me?" You might find yourself starting to keep a running commentary of how maybe this relationship isn't what you thought it was.
Here are 9 painfully honest signs you've settled in your relationship:
1. You relinquish your values
You start to rethink your values and what's important to you to maintain the relationship. You concede the values that you have lived by, just to keep this person in your life.
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Unfortunately, many people do this. However, your resentment about this person is right around the corner. Eventually forsaking all those things that are important, comes back around — quickly — and bites you in the butt!
2. You justify your partner's behaviors
You find that you justify your partner's behaviors by saying a lot of "yes, but". When they are doing something that bothers you, you justify it by saying something they are doing right. You do this even though you know this doesn't make any sense, and what they are doing bothers you. You ignore what's hiding in plain sight.
3. You hope they'll change
We all hope the other person will change so we don't have to. Possibly with a little prodding and coaxing, they will see your side and make changes you want them to make so they will be "just perfect" for you. This removes the responsibility we all have for our lives and puts it on the other person.
4. You ignore the red flags and deal-breakers
The red flags are blatant and waving in front of you — but you turn a blind eye to them. You don't want to acknowledge them much less see them and take action. We lose ourselves and forsake our happiness when we ignore what often hides in plain sight.
We all have red flags and deal-breakers! Ultimately, ignoring them will only result in one thing — they will come back to haunt you and continually cause issues because deep down you know the truth.
5. You have a fear of being alone
Your fear of being alone overshadows any slight problem they have. Your fear of being alone keeps you feeling stuck in a relationship that deep down you know you are settling for.
Being alone isn't a bad thing, but what's important if this is your fear, ask yourself, "Why do I feel this way? What thoughts and feelings come up when I am alone?" This is key to preventing you from settling in the future.
6. You do all the heavy lifting
You are doing most of the work in the relationship, but justify your behaviors because of X, Y, or Z reasons. This goes back to your fear of being alone.
When we fear being alone, we put up with way more than we should. And truth be told, we know it. We become the doormat. We become the person we never wanted to be but because we fear being alone, we allow this to continue.
We are the ones working the relationship.
7. You don't want to deal with dating
You would love to move on but the thought of starting all over again — dating, finding someone new, introducing them to our friends and family — feels completely exhausting. So why bother?
If you have this attitude, you will not find someone who is a better fit for you. You have resigned yourself to the fact you are not worth it. Your feelings of being exhausted and dating again are too much work, and well ahead of your happiness, and having a healthy relationship.
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8. You don't feel important
You "settle" for someone because they are good enough even though they are not the person you truly want for yourself.
Self-respect and self-love start at home. If you don't feel good about yourself, then you will pick someone who is at the same place we are — kind of stuck — and figure they are the best person you can get and you certainly don't deserve someone better (even though — somewhere — you feel that you do).
I often say like attracts like. If you are not in a good place in your life and don't feel good about yourself, you attract and end up with someone who is just like you. Truth be told, if you felt better about yourself, you most likely wouldn't consider another person, much less settle for someone.
9. You ignore other people's advice
Love is blind. When your friends and family start chiming in, it's too easy to ignore what they say.If you anticipate what your friends or family will say about your relationship, chances are you know deep down they are right because you feel the same way.
But trust me, settling is always a bad idea. What seems okay at the moment becomes the nemesis in the end. It becomes the "thing" in the relationship that'll bring you down.
And even though you might think you will be okay and that settling is an OK thing to do, in the end, it will not be. You will not only be disappointed by your life but with yourself. You will eventually question your judgment and your direction. You will question many things.
Because deep down, upon reflection, you will know when you first started to doubt the relationship and doubt the person and realize that yes, you were settling for something far less than you deserve.
The answer to not settling? Take the time you need to reflect and understand why you are settling and learn to create a different path for yourself — one that has more self-love and self-respect — that will ultimately create a healthier relationship in the future — for you!
Dr. Kristin Davin is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in marriage, divorce, dating, and relationships. She helps people build better relationships, whether it’s with their spouse, partner, children, siblings, parents, coworkers, or friends.