Why Would He Never Ask Me Out Again When We Had Chemistry?

On the first page of my book, “Why He Disappeared,” I tell a story of my first online date back in the late 90’s. We ate, we drank, we laughed, we got deep, we closed the bar, we made out in the parking lot. And I never saw her again.

That was a great lesson in reading too much into a quality first date.

Yet millions of women agonize over the same thing every day: “We had such great chemistry. What happened? What did I do wrong?”

Nothing. He probably never had real interest. Or he had interest but it waned like a five-year-old who gives up on a new toy after a week. Or he had someone else in his life who already had his attention. All you know is this: he hasn't called in three weeks, he's not interested enough. Move on.

Don’t reach out by passive-aggressive text messages (Hey, haven’t heard from you in awhile! ☺)

Don’t contact him to invite him to a fun party you happen to be attending. 

Just know that if a man is interested, he’ll call. That’s how we work. 

Yet you still can’t let go.

Why all the touchy-feely flirting and kissing, if he’s just not going to follow up or call?

That's the big question, the baffling question, the one that drives women mad. I wrote about it extensively in Why You're Still Single and think that the lesson remains the same:

Kissing, flirting, groping, oral sex, tender romantic intercourse… doesn't necessarily mean a thing to many men.

It's just something that they do when they're in the moment.

He's out with you, he senses you're into him, you've both had a few drinks, the attraction sparks are flying… why not make a move?

Doesn't mean he likes you.

Doesn't mean he doesn't like you, either.

It literally means NOTHING.

To him, it's just good, clean, adult fun.

What's worse is this - he doesn't spend much time thinking about the fact that you might have actual FEELINGS invested in him. He just thinks, “Wow, that was fun. Now I’m going to look for someone else.”

This doesn't mean he's a jerk, although he may be. It just means that you and he assigned different meanings to a night of kissing. Some people assign different meanings to sex, some assign different meanings to a one-year relationship. All we know is that people have different agendas. And you should never be too surprised when you learn that a guy's agenda is different than yours.

If you can't deal with the ups and downs of being crushed when a cute guy kisses you and doesn't call, you should probably not kiss any more cute guys. But rather than that, I'd just open my eyes to the fact that people come and go, and 99% of first dates do NOT result in marriage.

And if that's the case, try not to beat yourself up when it proves to be true in your love life as well.

Just remember: the RIGHT guy will most DEFINITELY call you the next day.