How To Tell Your Husband You're A Lesbian

Telling my husband I'm gay was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. If you're a gay woman who is married to a man, take it from me: Talking to your husband about your sexuality is not something you should rush into. Coming out is a very individual process, so do it in your own time and your own way.

Your revelation may come as a complete shock, or he may have already sensed that something was off. Because you can't be sure how he will react, it's important to think things through in advance.

The most important thing for you to consider is your safety and that of your children. If you have any inclination that your husband may become violent or abusive as a result of the revelation, consult an attorney before talking to him. If you think that he may use the children in a custody battle out of anger, get professional advice that will protect you.

For those who are not in high-risk marriages, talking to your husband will probably be a very emotional experience. If you are not absolutely certain about your sexual orientation, tell him that you are struggling with feelings you don't understand. Reassure him that there is no fault involved. It has nothing to do with him as a man or husband.

Reactions will vary. Some men will listen before slipping into a comfortable state of denial, believing that if they don't deal with it, nothing will change; your marriage will remain intact. Others react with anger and confusion, feeling blindsided and betrayed. They don't understand how difficult it has been for you.

It's important that you share the struggle you've had coming to terms with your sexuality with him — how the last thing you want to do is hurt him, but that it's something you must discuss and worked through. Your husband may try to become the model husband, believing that if he is everything you want in a spouse, you might just change your mind.

If you are a lesbian and you decide to leave your marriage, there are many, major decisions to be made. Your revelation will likely cause hurt, tears and sadness. The realization that you be changing your family situation forever by talking about your sexual orientation can seem overwhelming. But, just as you reassured your husband that it is not his fault, remember that it is not your fault, either. Many of us got married without realizing we love women. Perhaps you felt like you had no choice but to get married despite your same-sex attraction. 

Your stress and anxiety is temporary. While the ramifications of such a huge, personal change can seem daunting, this is the beginning of a period of amazing personal growth. These conversations are not easy, but they are necessary in order for you to move forward with your life and your new, true identity.