Is Divorce The Only Solution To Marital Problems?
Marriage isn't easy, but that doesn't mean you can't work things out.
Insurmountable marital problems that lead to divorce for one couple may in fact lead to a healthier, stronger relationship for another. The difference lays in the commitment of the pair to make their marriage work. It only takes one person for divorce, but it takes both partners to sustain a marriage.
According to a study done at Pennsylvania State University, the number one reason for divorce is infidelity. However, many couples survive infidelity with guidance from a counselor or therapist. Incompatibility came in second. Interestingly, financial problems ranked number 13 on the list. Even if you are the one that chose to leave the marriage, a skilled divorce coach will help you to deal with the emotional roller coaster that is sure to follow.
There is no true way to gauge whether the problems in your marriage are insurmountable. The breaking point is different for each person. Regardless of what problems were in the marriage, both men and women report that there came a time when they honestly could care less what their mate did or said. Other people have stated that when they began wishing their spouse were dead, they decided it was time to leave. Often, an event triggers a person to realize that their marriage is over.
It is important to note that just because a couple may have appeared to weather the storms, that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Sadly, there are many couples residing together that lead two very separate lives. They rarely communicate, do not sleep in the same room, have sex, eat or socialize together. They are married in name only. They are committed to marriage but not to each other. They have already experienced the emotional death of their marriage.
Here are five common marital problems that often lead to divorce:
1. Lack of communication. Communication and friendship is the foundation of a good strong healthy marriage. It is impossible to remain friends with someone that you barely talk to. If you sincerely care about a person, you will talk, laugh and share ideas with them. You will listen to what they have to say and respect their opinion.
The breakdown of communication in a marriage begins slowly. You begin paying more attention to what needs to be done, rather than listening to your spouse's triumphs and trials. You begin to become bored by whatever he is saying. As he feels less valuable, he begins to talk less, and soon the two of you are walking around your home with nothing to say to one another.
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2. Lack of quality time. Couples that affirm they are in a happy, fulfilling relationship often share regular date nights with one another. This helps to keep the spark of passion and love burning. It is a time that they put everything and everyone else aside to remain friends and enjoy one another's company.
Couples that are caught up in the hectic routine of everyday life often put their marriage at the end of their massive to-do list. They justify it by saying, "There is just not enough time to allocate quality time with my spouse." They begin taking each other for granted. This creates feelings of being unappreciated, unloved and unwanted. In time, the mere thought of spending time with the spouse brings up feelings of dread.
3. Lack of intimacy. Couples that remain in love enjoy being close to each other. They typically are satisfied with their sex life and enjoy cuddling and kissing. Being intimate is more than having sex. These are the couples that you see walking down the street holding hands or gazing into each other's eyes during dinner.
When you begin to feel unattractive to your spouse, your self-esteem begins to wane. This causes some people to look elsewhere. Some people will withhold intimacy or sex as a form of punishment. Women sometimes report that they refuse to have sex with their partner because they do not want him to bring home any diseases.
4. Lack of money. There are as many extremely poor couples that are happy and in love, as there are rich people. Having money or not having money does not equate love. Their marriage is based on trust and respect. They consult each other regarding monetary issues and live within their means.
Once couples begin arguing about money, they enter into a cycle of blaming each other for their problems. Money problems may arise because of a job loss, medical bills, gambling or unwise spending. Neither the husband nor the wife takes on the responsibility to look the problem squarely in the eye and determine ways to correct it.
Bankruptcy attorneys often report that they will see couples on the verge of divorce at the beginning of the process who often reconcile once the bankruptcy is over and the burden of debt is lifted. However, it is unknown how many couples continue to blame each other and eventually get divorced.
5. Lack of respect. Happy couples respect one another's differences. They trust one another's opinions and are able to sit down and discuss their differences without blame or accusations. To disrespect your spouse devalues him as a human being. When you disrespect yourself, you continue to allow other people to disrespect you.
Disrespect can arise in situations of verbal or physical abuse. People with addictions are often self-absorbed and disrespect those closest to them.
It is possible to save your marriage even if you are beginning to experience insurmountable marital problems. To do this, you must begin to work on the only thing that you have the capability of changing: your own attitude, actions and beliefs. On the other hand, if you have decided that divorce is the answer, you will want to contact an attorney to understand all of your legal rights and find a good support group consisting of family, friends and a divorce coach.
For more information on healing during and after divorce visit www.SupportForDivorcedWomen.com.
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