If I Learned These 9 Love Lessons Sooner, I Probably Wouldn't Be Divorced
Learn from the mistakes of my failed marriage.
RDNE stock project | pexels Going through a divorce is one of the most painful things for anyone to experience. I can relate to my divorce drama. The day my ex threatened to call the cops because my parents took my son to church made me wonder, how could it ever get this bad?
Getting divorced and going through a separation, with children, a once-shared home, and pets, is painful and confusing. But it can also be a great teacher.
If I learned these 9 lessons sooner, I probably wouldn't be divorced:
1. Don't play the blame game.
The blame game will get you nowhere fast. It's easy to say, "It's all your fault we're getting a divorce because you cheated on me." But when you place blame on your ex, it takes away your power, and you become the victim.
2. Don't blame everything on yourself.
It's easy to blame yourself, especially if you're a people-pleaser. When you still care about your ex, it's easy to make excuses for them and their behavior. It's not all your fault. There has probably been a lack of communication between the two of you. Don't let that nasty voice in your head make you act like a doormat.
3. A therapist or life coach is worth it.
My ex thought I must be delusional for leaving him, so I needed a therapist. I made my first appointment for counseling to prove I wasn't delusional. Now I realize I was delusional for not talking to a professional sooner.
After my first session, I realized she knew what she was talking about, and I am forever grateful for her guidance. Talking to a professional will help you be in the know. A good counselor will hand you tissues, listen, and respond with words of wisdom you never thought of. You will start to see things in a different light.
4. If things get nasty, don't be friends.
Instead, be friendly. If your divorce isn't going smoothly, you don't have to be best friends. Your ex doesn't need to hear the intimate details of your work schedule or that you signed up on a dating app. You can be business-minded but friendly. Especially if you have children involved, keep things short and sweet.
5. Don't be afraid to cry.
When you get a divorce, it can feel like there will never be a day when mascara isn't streaming down your face. I promise these feelings won't last forever. If you stuff down the tears, they can tear you up and feel like a torrential downpour on your insides. Appreciate a good cry, and don't run away from your feelings.
6. Take care of yourself.
After you're done crying, don't forget about you. Do things that will help you feel good. Get an energy work session, talk to your best friend over coffee, go for a run, read a funny book, or take a bubble bath. Connecting with nature can also do wonders for your spirit. Since you may not get much physical attention, you might as well get out there and hug a tree.
7. Remember that forgiveness takes time.
Choose to forgive yourself and your ex, but remember, it doesn't always happen overnight. It can take time, sometimes lots of it. When you don't have an emotional reaction to your ex, you will know you have truly forgiven them.
8. Value your relationship with yourself.
When you were married, maybe you forgot about you. Maybe you put all your energy into your ex and didn't even know who you were. I didn't know who I was for ten years while I was his wife. After my divorce, I've had time to focus on myself. This is the time to get to know yourself and treasure it.
9. Appreciate where you are.
You're not happy about getting divorced. It is a transition to your new amazing life. This is when you don't have to check in if you're going to be late or worry about falling in the toilet in the middle of the night because the lid was up. Being single after getting divorced is the time to appreciate your life. Plus, you'll only have half the amount of laundry.
You will spend time alone, but that doesn't mean you must be lonely. Spend time with your friends and family and make some new friends. Don't be afraid to be your true self and be brave enough to love again. You have the choice to accept what has happened and find the treasures. You have a new perspective. Figure you out now so you can create an amazing single life!
Dina Colada is an author, speaker, and dating coach who specializes in helping single women navigate the modern world of online dating. Her work has appeared on sites like Prevention, MSN, Women’s Health, Plenty of Fish, and Zoosk.