The Subtle-But-Very-Real Danger Of Contacting Your Old Flame
Sometimes curiosity killed the cat.
jakubgojda, shisuka | Canva When we get upset or frustrated with our husbands or significant others, we seem to exaggerate everything negative about them. It's like looking in a mirror as a teenager. Every pimple showed and we were sure our complexions were ruined forever. (Of course, they weren't.) But the same thing happens as we face the realities of our day-to-day relationship. Everything that isn't all sweetness and roses can appear especially terrible during a rough patch. Yet when we look at our past relationships (often there are one or two we may tend to go back to in our minds) we seem to see them through the magic of the seven veils. When we daydream about past adventures we seem able to immerse ourselves in remembering what we want to remember and forgetting the rest.
Of course, delightful memories of feeling good with a boyfriend years ago can be harmless and can put us in a good mood and bolster our self-esteem. They can even give us the needed energy to come back to our present relationship feeling optimistic and certain that today is the right one. However, going one step further and reaching out to an old flame years later can be a risky situation. That's because they have moved on and so have we. We think we know who we left behind, but we don't. People change. We probably have also. Natalie, the main character in my new novel, Around Every Corner, Romance & Mystery..., is about to play with fire in this secret excerpt as she tries to merge the present with the past.
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One day when David was busy working late at the college and Natalie was bored waiting for him to come home for dinner, she found herself looking up old boyfriends on Facebook. She had a slightly creepy feeling in the pit of her stomach that she tried to ignore. After all, everyone was looking up people from their pasts. What could be wrong about staying in touch? Didn't all the research suggest how important social connections were? First, she looked up her high school sweetheart. Wow, he had aged so much. She decided not to "friend" him. After all, he dropped her for Samantha four weeks before the senior prom. What a jerk. Natalie had ended up taking her first cousin Harold who was a total gentleman. He charmed all her friends and no one was that surprised when he came out of the closet 4 years later. Her mind was drifting.
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Soon an hour had passed. David called to say he was on his way home. Quick, just enough time to look up one more guy from the past. Jack. After all, she was involved with him for years. No guy but David knew her better. Why not say hello? Who could be harmed? Natalie found him on Facebook as she heard the garage door open. So easy. She invited Jack to be her "friend" just as David walked toward the den. Her heart was racing. Why? She couldn't worry about that now. David leaned over her and kissed her on the top of her head. "What have you been doing? Playing solitaire on the computer?" Natalie felt her stomach tighten and her face flush. She was far from playing solitaire. Already she knew she was playing with fire. Jack was an old flame and she already realized that her emotions had been kindled more than she bargained for!
See the hurt she's already started? Let this be a lesson about what your curiosity can cost you.
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein is a positive psychologist, a best-selling author, and an award-winning Selfie Filmmaker focusing on coming-of-age issues for girls and women. She is also a noted podcaster.