My Wife’s In Love With A Woman — And I’m Genuinely Thrilled
There is a selflessness within the institution of marriage a lot of people overlook.
PeopleImages | Canva By Johnathan Bane
When my wife came home from her date and said to me, “So, I think I might have a girlfriend”, for me it was like watching the moon landing.
I was discussing this with a friend of mine, never getting into any real details, as my wife didn’t give me many details. Her girlfriend is still in the beginning stages of finding her sexuality, and to be honest, I didn’t want my wife to violate her privacy. If it’s not our information to tell, we won’t tell it, even to each other, unless it’s something we both should know.
He said something that made me think, “Well, if she were dating a guy, you wouldn’t feel as cool with it as you do.” Now, on the surface, this seems like a reasonable statement. But if you analyze it, you see something a bit different.
The implication is that I would somehow feel like my station in life would be threatened if she were trying to date men instead of women. Well, rumor control, here are the facts.
My wife is bisexual but prefers women. Most of the men in the area we live in are very conservative and, for the most part, rude. (Say what you want about the conservative vs. liberal argument all you like, there’s simply a mismatch of values that ensures we don’t get along.) The men who aren’t rude are usually married, taken, or otherwise too close to the family to consider.
For example, my wife has a ten-year crush on a friend of mine I consider a brother. But he is married, and we would never disrespect their relationship by even suggesting it. We keep it friendly, we keep our hugs loving but chaste and we keep our flirting to a minimum, though flirting is a natural extension of who we are.
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Who my wife decides to sleep with, I have long ago decided was none of my business.
There are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part, as long as she is doing this in a safe and controlled environment, practicing safe sex, and being true to herself as a human being, I have no cause for complaint. I don’t feel jealousy over physical intimacy, and I can’t fathom why anyone would. I don’t know why this emotion exists anymore.
Now, if my wife decides to spend all of her time with anyone, then I would not so much feel jealous as I would miss her.
Above all of this, I want my wife to be happy. If to be happy, she needs to spend the majority of her time with someone else, while I wouldn’t like it, I would accept it. Her happiness is something I put way in front of my own. This is the way I am.
When she finds love outside of our marriage, our marriage becomes that much more special and beautiful. Essentially, we’ve devised an emotional and social construct that allows us to indulge in almost anything we like, and still remain faithful to the tenets of our love for each other.
I am secure in myself as a person, as a man, and as a husband. There is nothing anyone can do that could ever bring my wife away from me.
If someone can do something better than I can, I want to learn from them. I want to know what they know. If my wife likes something they do better than an equivalent thing I do, I want to know what that is, so I can adapt and please her better.
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If in the end, she chooses someone else over me, though it would break my heart, I would lovingly help her pack her things to pursue whatever life threw her way.
There is a selflessness within marriage, I think a lot of people overlook. You must put your spouse above yourself, for us, polyamory fills that obligation rather nicely.
Let’s face it, my wife is perfectly capable of self-love, cooking her own meals, making her own money, doing her own laundry, and taking care of our kid. I help her do these things because I love her and when I took a vow to love, honor, and cherish her, it meant she never had to do any of these things alone again. We call ourselves a team, and we mean it in every sense of the word.
Given that our intimate needs can’t be met fully by one person, the physically intimate and emotional are simply two more dimensions our marriage takes on.
“Venus”, hopefully, will make a nice addition to our peripheral family by fulfilling some of her emotional and physical needs. They’re both amazing women, and I look forward to finding out where this goes for both of them.
The idea of a triad has been discussed, though I have no intention of moving in on their relationship. If it hits them right, they can come to me about it and include me if they so desire, but I’m perfectly happy with things right now.
Love is love, regardless of the equipment you have.
Johnathan Bane is a writer, blogger, and musician. He has appeared in Good Men Project, Babble, and Thought Catalog.
