I'm A Polyamorist And Here Are 10 Facts That Will Change How You View Our Lifestyle
Polyamory is not all sunshine, rainbows, and swinging.
PhotodriveStudio | Shutterstock When I was in high school, my classmates often made fun of me because I had a “harem” of guys. I casually dated and was intimate with about two to five guys at almost any given moment since I was a freshman.
I was never monogamous. Monogamy never worked for me; I’m not built that way. While I always wanted a spouse, I can’t imagine my life being locked down with one partner for the rest of my days.
So, I’m polyamorous. And you know what? Being polyamorous is not easy. It’s not for most people and yet I see so many ill-equipped people trying to get into poly relationships.
As a veteran polyamorous person who’s been both monogamous and poly, let me give you all a quick run-through of what I wish everyone would know about this lifestyle.
For starters, research on polyamory, the practice of having multiple romantic or intimate relationships with the consent of all parties, suggests that people in polyamorous relationships are often happy and have high relationship satisfaction, according to a 2022 study published by the Journal of Sexologies.
Here are 10 facts about polyamory that will change how you view the lifestyle:
1. Polyamory is not for everyone
Can you overcome jealous feelings? No? If you can’t relax and stay calm while your partner is with someone else, you might not be cut out for it. If you are not okay with knowing you have to deal with your partner cuddling up to someone else, you’re probably not cut out for it.
Most people who I’ve seen get into poly relationships regret it. It can be emotionally brutal. If you can’t get a grip on yourself, stick to monogamy. Being monogamous is not an emotional failure unless you’re so clingy that you smother your partner.
If you have a partner who keeps asking for a poly relationship and you’re not comfortable with it, dump them. That usually means you’re incompatible at best and being cheated on at worst.
2. Women, in particular, need to watch out for predators in the poly scene
I was trafficked by someone who claimed to be a “polydom.” We were his “girlfriends.” A lot of “poly” men are just out to exploit women. A lot of trafficking rings act as party events, swinger groups, or poly men who just have an unusually high number of girlfriends.
If you feel funny about a situation, get out of there. If a man keeps pushing your boundaries in the bedroom, get out of there. This scene can be incredibly predatory toward women and it’s crucial to stay on your guard.
On a similar note? If a religion tries to force you into a poly marriage or poly relationship, you need to re-evaluate your religion. A lot of cults tend to rely on distributing spouses as a perk for male members. It’s not good.
As I mentioned above, polyamory does not work well with most people. When religion tries to mandate it, polygamy often turns into a form of church-sanctioned trafficking.
3. More partners can sometimes mean more problems
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The vast majority of polycules — a group of polyamorous partners — that I’ve seen do not last more than five years. Most do not become lifetime arrangements. Either one partner drifts off, cheating occurs, or it just becomes too much drama.
Every time you add a partner to your relationship, you’re playing Russian Roulette with your love life. It takes a lot of trust to have a third, fourth, or fifth partner in your life.
There will be moments of jealousy. There will be moments when you might be dealing with “he said, she said” stuff that should never have happened. There may be moments where you are just not feeling appreciated.
You need to be able to talk about this with your partners. If they can’t work on things, it’s a no-go, and it may be time to split up. And trust me, those types of breakups burn in a way that monogamous breakups don’t.
Getting three people to agree on anything is going to be exponentially harder than getting two people to agree on a subject. The more difficult the subject is, the more your problems will multiply with each partner you add.
And legally, polycules are not given the same protections as a legally married couple. Bigamy is still illegal in America, though some loopholes do exist — such as “spiritual marriages.”
4. Talking will be your biggest predictor of success in a polyamorous relationship, followed by sticking to your boundaries
For me, I need marriage to be happy. I need a legal marriage to feel loved. For me, it’s my sign of commitment. If I can’t have that and feel secure in my relationship, I’m going to stay monogamous. That’s a boundary of mine.
Most guys hear “poly” and automatically assume I’ll unicorn for them and their wives. Nope. They also try to negotiate my boundaries. That’s a big ol’ nope from me.
If you can’t stick to your guns and actively talk about what you want, you’re going to have a bad time as a poly person. It takes a lot of guts to stand up and say what you want, especially if partners are pressuring you to say otherwise.
Talking is 70 percent of the battle. Sticking to your boundaries is the other 20.
5. You should have your backup plans and foundations
If you want to take a poly relationship seriously — like, “moving in together” seriously, keep a small sum of money so you can get out if you need to. Much like with regular relationships, things can fall apart fast.
I’ve seen seemingly stable polycules blow up overnight, leaving some members on the verge of homelessness. You do not want this to happen, full stop.
If you are going to go poly, get married to your primary partner, have long talks about it, lay out your boundaries, and have legal paperwork in place should anything occur. It can save you in the future.
6. Explaining a polyamorous relationship to your family may be awkward
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Many people will not accept polyamorous relationships in their family. They will ask a lot of questions. They may dislike your partners and assume the worst.
A lot of people skirt the issue by just saying you have roommates or renters, or that they’re your close friends. Regardless, the judgment you receive from family members will have you questioning yourself occasionally.
If your family is very religious, I wouldn't broach the topic at all. They may disinherit you — or at the very least, relegate you to the position of “black sheep of the family.”
7. If you have kids, having a poly family is complicated due to legal and social implications.
People often assume that kids won’t care if they have two moms and a dad or two dads and a mom. Sometimes, this can be the case, assuming all parents act as a unit and really nurture their children.
However, my personal experience tells me that this is more of the exception, not the rule. Many kids do not do well with poly relationships for a wide range of reasons, including:
- Getting teased at school. Having a poly family leaves a mark on you if other kids find out. It can be hard to explain to others and kids are more judgmental than adults are.
- Awkward expectations when they date. When you have a Dad and a Mom, Mami, and Mama, it's complicated.
- Ostracism. A large number of parents will not want your kid around theirs once they find out you come from a poly household. It’s messed up, but it’s a stigma that you will come across.
- Child Protective Service (CPS) visits. It’s not unheard of for CPS to pay a visit to families that have polygamy as a practice. This can lead to getting kids put into foster care due to the way your family is set up.
- Messy divorce and child support proceedings. Yes, courts will judge you for being polyamorous. Yes, you will likely suffer because of a poly divorce or a poly-child support suit. No, you can’t put the proverbial toothpaste back in the tube.
With that said, it often turns into a regular family setting. It’s just that there are more players than a typical family. It all boils down to how well you compartmentalize and how well you manage your family life. Most people can barely handle one partner. Can you handle multiple partners and a kid or two?
8. You need to vet your partners and their lifestyle
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If you’re going to have a poly relationship with a person, you have to look at your potential partner’s lifestyle, wants, attitudes, and needs. What is negotiable in a monogamous relationship can and will become a dealbreaker in a polycule.
If you’re going to go for this lifestyle, remember to look for the following things:
- Openness and cleanliness. Is your potential partner a serial cheater in the world of monogamy? That won’t change when you’re poly. They will find new ways to lie to you about people, potentially putting you at risk of STIs.
- Financial stability. I don’t care how hot your potential partner is, you will not want to financially support more than one person. Bad financial habits do not make for a happy relationship. That can blow up your polycule faster than anything else.
- Maturity. Is your potential partner someone you could rely on to feed your pets when you’re out? Does your partner file their taxes properly? Do they have goals for the future?
- Approval of other partners. If my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend, there is no boyfriend. If I don’t like my husband’s girlfriend, there is no girlfriend. Trying to force partners to like someone they hate will not work well. It’s a guaranteed breakup in the making. My husband and boyfriend are friends. I want to be friends with my husband’s future girlfriend. You dig?
- Future goals. I’ll be blunt: Some partners are not going to be compatible because what they want to do in life will not work out with what you and your partner(s) want to do. For example, if your potential partner wants kids and you’re child-free, it’s over before it even begins.
- Lifestyle choices. Does your potential partner like dogs? Cats? City living? Rural living? These things matter more than you expect them to. Vet, vet, and vet your partners. Otherwise, you’ll have to choose between the future you want and keeping your polycule together.
- Dating attitudes. Much like with regular dating, you need to avoid toxic people.
9. Ask yourself why you want to try polyamory before you take the plunge
A lot of people are just honestly looking for a guilt-free way to cheat on their partners. They don’t care about their sidepieces. They just want booty, and they want all eyes on them. Swinging might be better for them — or a breakup with a side of therapy.
Many others are only doing poly because they want to keep their partners around. Once again, that’s not a good sign. You shouldn’t have to be pushed into something like this. It’s a huge deal.
On the other hand, if you just want to explore that side of yourself and feel like a polycule could enrich your life, that’s a good sign. If you just feel something missing without polyamory, that’s a good sign. Sometimes, being honest with yourself is the best way to figure out whether or not you should try it, break up, or just seek help.
New findings published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior reveal that individuals in polyamorous relationships are often driven by desires for deeper emotional connections, autonomy in their personal lives, and a fulfillment of needs that may not be met in monogamous arrangements. After analyzing the responses, the researchers identified four main themes: values alignment, relationship factors, external stimuli, and sexuality.
10. Polyamory is hard and not meant for everyone
Contrary to what people may believe, jealousy is not always a sign of a relationship failure. Sometimes, it’s just a sign that you want your one person. And that’s okay. If it’s not for you, you probably already know.
People who treat being monogamous like a moral failing are wrong to do so. If you want to give polyamory a shot, you need to trust your partner more than you think you should.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.