Is It Love Or Lust? 2 Questions You Must Ask To Know For Sure
Are you feeling more than just lust?
Jacob Lund | Canva We've all felt it. The fluttering butterflies in your stomach when he walks into the room, the inability to speak, and the loss of breath when you kiss — it seems like actual love. But is there really more to your connection than the physical attraction? Biologically speaking, pheromones (that attract you through smell and sight) draw you together. The intimate connection ignites the spark, but do you have the psychological connection to keep it going long-term? Bjorn Kelly of LiveScience explains, "When it comes to sticking together for the long haul, researchers have shown that likenesses of personality, which can take more time to realize, [means] more." Eric Bressler of McMaster University mentions that "comedy can also help a relationship, but the importance of humor is different for men and women."
How do you know for sure whether it's love or lust? CEO and Founder of YourTango Andrea Miller chats with psychologist and author Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, counselor and therapist Carole H. Spivack, biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, and Date Like A Grownup founder Bobbi Palmer about the biological factors that contribute to initial attraction. Love and lust have so many similar traits at the beginning of a relationship that it can be hard to tell one feeling from the other.
Here are 2 questions you must ask to know for sure whether it's love or lust:
1. Is there a psychological connection?
Without a connection through personality, similar interests, and a sense of humor, it's difficult to find joy in spending time together. "Over 60 percent of men and women in America have experienced what you've experienced, that love of first sight, and I think it's because you sit within that love map — within a general constellation of traits that you can almost immediately see," says Dr. Helen Fisher.
2. Will the chemistry last?
Even though there may be chemistry, do you see this guy in your future? Being intimate is wonderful and all, but if there is no intimacy building outside the bedroom (like taking a stroll on a nice day while holding hands, deep in conversation), the love won't leave the bed.
Andrea Miller is the founder and CEO of YourTango; host of the podcast “Open Relationships: Transforming Together;” and award-winning author of Radical Acceptance, The Secret to Happy, Lasting Love; a passionate relationship catalyst. Helen Fisher Ph.D., is a biological anthropologist and Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute and Chief Scientific Advisor to the dating site Match. She is the author of the book The Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray, among other titles. Bobbi Palmer, founder of Date Like A Grownup, is an internationally recognized expert helping women over 40 find grownup, lasting, passionate love with the right man. Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein is a positive psychologist, a best-selling author, and an award-winning Selfie Filmmaker focusing on coming-of-age issues for girls and women. She is also a noted podcaster. Carole H. Spivack is a therapist who helps couples struggling in their relationships with conflict, anger management issues, communication, and even depression.