5 Quiet Skills Of Women Who Break Their Own Bad Relationship Patterns

We've all been there, waiting for answers that never come about a breakup you never wanted. There you are, wasting precious time trying to get closure from an ex who wasn't willing to give it. But you don't have to linger in this state. 

Whether it was a long, drawn-out breakup or ended abruptly without warning, you can move on to bigger and better things, specifically a new you.

Five skills of women who break their own worst relationship habits

1. They play it cool

The first months after the end of a relationship are spent deconstructing, over-analyzing, and explaining to everyone you ever met what went wrong.

Instead of jumping straight to the trash talk about how they weren't good in bed, try keeping mum on the subject. This doesn't mean you need to praise them or avoid the topic altogether, but talking about it to death will bore your friends and scare new people away.

According to one book I found insightful, Delphine Hirsh's The Girl's Guide to Surviving a Breakup, "You don't want your friends to feel as though their lives are unraveling as well, or they will not be very helpful to you."

Not only will staying tight-lipped on the subject keep your name clear of drama, but it will baffle your ex as to why you aren't pouring with distraught. Win-win.

RELATED: Psychology Says If You Can Master These 7 Skills, You'll Finally Get Over That Ex You Still Obsess About

2. They share the responsibility

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We tend to either blame the breakup on ourselves or entirely on him, and neither really gets us anywhere.

A good friend of mine told me about an umpteen-paged letter she wrote to an ex specifically describing how he hurt her and the fault she was willing to claim. She never sent it.

At first, I didn't understand the point, but then I realized venting on paper can be cathartic, as supported by a study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology.

There's a big difference between wanting someone and needing someone, and if it's the latter (which is often the case), taking some credit for the breakup will help you realize why the breakup was for the best.

3. They don't play the victim

Don't get me wrong, sympathy is nice when we feel lost and lonely, but it only makes us that much more vulnerable. Being strong and positive is easier said than done, of course, but the stronger-willed we are, the less likely we are to make bad decisions and be taken advantage of by the hard-to-resist rebound.

4. They work on themselves

One of the worst mistakes we make after a bad breakup is letting ourselves go physically, mentally, emotionally — or all the above, as shown by a study in Current Opinion in Psychology.

We tend to break down and spend too much time in our sweatpants wallowing. And wallowing is good — even needed — for a certain time. But after the initial breakup shock has worn off, we need to get off the couch and take care of ourselves.

After a devastating breakup with an ex, I spent months in bed, most of which remains a blur of time I'll never get back. Lesson learned. Treat yourself to a manicure or some new highlights. Living well really is the best revenge.

5. They refocus their life

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This step is the hardest because it forces us to admit the relationship is completely over.

Sit down and make a new list of priorities — without including your ex — and figure out what is important to you. Give precedence to your family, friends, career, and yourself. Find ways to fill that time left void by him and try new things. Push for that promotion, reconnect with old friends, and take a mini-vacation with your mom or sister. Whatever it is, just count him out.

Now, a lot of these tips may seem a little facetious and even idealistic, but the key to getting the closure you need is focusing less on the reasons surrounding the split because you may very well never get them. Allow yourself to cry and rely on friends. Allow yourself that time.

Just remember how much time we all spend pining after ex-boyfriends who didn't even give us the time of day to explain. Then, think about how much time it takes to find a new guy and build a better relationship. You do the math.

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Sharon Tharp is a freelance writer who enjoys reading on the beach, watching The Office, and spending ridiculous amounts of money on concert tickets and magazines. She recently graduated from The College of New Jersey and loves writing about all things pop culture.