Psychology Says If You Can Master These 7 Skills, You'll Finally Get Over That Ex You Still Obsess About
How to make sure you get over him this time.
pixelfit | Canva Breakups leave your heart broken and can be devastating, especially when you thought they were "The One." What is it about certain guys who seem to have your number, and yet, they always turn out to be the biggest disappointments?
The truth is that we all have patterns in our intimate relationships. Changing those patterns is key to creating the lasting love you desire. But first, you’ve got to get over the current distress you find yourself in and get your confidence back.
If you can master these seven skills, you'll finally get over that ex you still obsess about:
1. Cut off contact
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Your broken heart is an open wound right now, and you need time to let it heal. Checking his Facebook and Instagram or responding to his texts to "just be friends" will keep that wound open.
To start the healing process, you’ll want to cut off all contact. Block him on social media. Stop checking on his whereabouts, or seeing if he's hurting as much as you.
Change his name in your phone to "Do Not Answer," and follow your instructions when he calls or texts. This way, you won’t get sucked back in.
Simply deleting him from your phone can cause a problem later when you accidentally answer that familiar-looking number. To heal a broken heart, cutting off contact is the first step.
2. Don’t resist what you’re feeling — allow your feelings to flow
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Nobody likes to feel heartbroken. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. However, putting on a brave face and trying to ignore the hurt, anger, and sadness will just prolong the pain.
Your biggest fear may be that you will never feel happy or loved again. There's nothing further from the truth.
Emotions are not static, best compared to ocean waves. They flow through you and then recede to be replaced by another emotion. When you cut off your feelings, they get stuck. What you resist, persists.
Allow yourself time to feel all of those feelings. Play sad heartbreak songs and have a good cry. Research from 2015 confirms that listening to sad songs while you're sad can help.
Set aside time to just scream into a pillow or underwater in a bath. Let your feelings flow, and you'll find that you'll feel better quicker.
Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself — feel the sorrow for your broken dreams and your unfulfilled hopes. There's no need to feel pity because your desire for love is part of your human existence.
3. Give up the hope that he'll magically become "The One"
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It's hard to let go of hope when a relationship ends. Part of you still wishes and hopes that things will magically change, and you’ll go back to the way things were. Accepting that this is never going to happen is an important but difficult step.
He's not going to magically change and become "The One." He is who he is. Needing him to change for the relationship to work will only lead you to more heartbreak. Research confirms that people can change, but only if they want to.
Stop waiting for him to change his mind. Kill the hope that he'll see what a fool he was for ending things, that he'll become someone other than who he is right now.
It sounds a little harsh, but you’ll be okay. When you give up the hope of it being him, you open up the possibility of someone else — someone better — to come into your life.
Out of all the ways to heal a broken heart and move on, this one can be the most difficult. That little girl inside of you so wants to prove to him that you're worthy of his love. Giving up hope is one of the most loving acts you can take for yourself.
4. Forgive him and yourself, and learn from the experience
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Forgiveness is valuable and benefits you in all areas of your life. Research consistently shows that practicing forgiveness can significantly benefit your health. But, you won’t be ready to forgive until you've given yourself time to grieve.
There's no need to rush to forgiveness. Allow yourself to feel all of those bad feelings first because they pave the way for you to reach a place where you can forgive and move on.
For those on a spiritual path, it’s important to feel the full range of your human emotions. It’s okay to feel angry — just don’t take destructive actions. Simply allow your emotions to be whatever they are.
There's nothing wrong with any of your feelings. They're not bad. They're human. Forgiveness requires a conscious choice to release your hurt, anger, and resentment, whether or not they deserve it. It doesn’t condone or excuse their behavior, nor should you just forget what happened.
You also need to forgive yourself for your behavior in the relationship. Maybe your communication wasn’t always kind. Or perhaps you made some mistakes and regret things you may have said or done.
Owning your mistakes and taking responsibility for your half of the equation is good. Taking too much responsibility and blaming yourself for the failure of the relationship will just make things worse.
The dance of relationship is like any other partner dance — it takes two to create it. You're only responsible for your actions, not the behavior or response of the other person.
What did this relationship show up to teach you? Did you need to learn how to set clearer boundaries?
5. Identify what's attracting you to unhealthy patterns
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You learned how to love in your family of origin — just like you learned to walk, talk, and tie your shoes. Once you know these things, you do them on autopilot. You don’t decide who you find attractive in a room full of people — it just happens.
When you walk into a room of a few hundred people you’ve never met before, some of those people stand out. The rest are like extras in your movie. They're there, but kind of gray, in the background, and a bit fuzzy.
What you learned about love in your family of origin may not be in alignment with what you truly desire in an intimate partnership, revealing the unhealthy pattern that you’ve been an unconscious servant to, research confirms. We call this program for love that you learned in your family Your Love Imprint.
It's what causes the familiar to be highlighted, while the great guy that would be an ideal match for you is just grayed out. He doesn’t even show up for you. It’s like he doesn’t exist.
Ultimately, when you discover your unhealthy pattern, you’ll be clear on what it is you need to do to transform it.
6. Get clear on what you really want before rushing into another relationship
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Most people wait to find a person that gives them all the feels and, from there, they try to make the relationship work. You don’t have to choose between having chemistry or not.
Never settle for a relationship without the spark. You cannot settle for a lifetime. At some point, it won’t be worth it to stay. Research from 2013 indicates that most people settle because they have a fear of being alone.
Without that spark, it's too easy to walk away when you hit that inevitable second stage of a relationship. Instead, create a crystal-clear vision of the relationship you want without inserting a face into the dream. Know how you want the relationship to function.
Decide ahead of time on the dynamic that you'd like to have between the two of you. Before you ever meet, choose the feelings that he invokes inside of you and all the body sensations that you'd like to have.
You're the master creator of your life. No one can do this for you. No man will show up and suddenly make your life better. It’s up to you to create a life that's in alignment with your highest and best self, and then create the vision of the relationship you want.
7. Say "no" to what you don't want
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There’s one caveat that may show up, and when it does, you must commit to staying on course to lasting love with an ideal partner. The old pattern may show up — the really tempting familiar situation with that guy who's lighting up all the colors inside you may try to suck you in one more time.
It's very important to say "no" to the old way of being and reject him. This guy is just a reminder that you know better now. That you’ve evolved past him and his type.
The familiar may appear very tempting, but it’s up to this newly educated version of you to turn it down. You know you deserve to have what you truly desire.
You can stumble and you can hit that repeat button again and again, and you’ll still get another chance. You'll always have another opportunity to grow towards your beloved.
He's the guy who will stand by you no matter what, the one who you can count on as sure as you know the sun will rise tomorrow, and the one you’re hot for and is also hot for you.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.