'Vagina Pearls' Are Real — Why You Should Never Buy Them
PSA: Do not buy these.
Jurij Krupiak / Shutterstock I know a lot of us have strong and positive feelings for our vaginas. Vaginas are pretty damn amazing, and it is perfectly reasonable to want to reward them for being the fantastic organs they are. Fancy underwear, maybe. Or jewelry. Diamonds. Rubies. Pearls.
However, there are pearls and then there are “pearls”. Master wielder of the lasso of women’s health truth, Dr. Jen Gunter, OB/GYN, tweeted out a blog post in 2016 about these little sacks of herbs some company is marketing as vaginal "detox pearls."
Dr. Gunter writes: "Yes, some company is selling tiny bags of herbs (they call them pearls) to stuff in the vagina for 3 days to cleanse your uterus or shrink your fibroids or treat bacterial vaginosis or tighten your vagina."
Yes, that’s right, some weirdo has decided women should shove muslin bags of potpourri up their vaginas. To fix them or something.
Dr. Gunter has lots of medical reasons why one should not do this (as well as a stomach-turning description of a “retained tampon” removal, so be warned). I have a lay person’s response: OMG DON’T DO THAT TO YOUR PERFECTLY GOOD VAGINA!
"Your uterus isn’t tired or depressed or dirty and your vagina has not misplaced its chakra. They want no real help from you unless there is something wrong and they will tell you there is something wrong by bleeding profusely or itching or cramping badly or producing an odor," Dr. Gunter writes.
"Don’t blame malaise, or fatigue on your uterus or vagina (unless you are anemic from bleeding, but then you would have had the warning sign)."
The company marketing these things is not a pharmaceutical company or doctor’s office. It’s some weird internet company that doesn’t even have an About page on their website to explain what their so-called qualifications for detoxing vaginas are.
If I had to guess, I’d say someone got stoned and came up with the idea to make pot baggies for your vagina. Then they sobered up, didn’t notice that this was a terrible idea, and voila! Vagina detox! Not to say these “pearls” contain pot.
They probably don’t because I can’t imagine the masterminds behind this would be that generous. More likely they contain stuff from a backyard herb garden that would be better used in a nice marinara sauce.
The moral of the story is, vaginas don’t need baggies of the remnants of someone’s summer gardening project. They need love, some mild soap, and water for external cleansing, and orgasms. That’s it. If you must buy your vagina pearls, buy them at a jewelry store.
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Rebekah Kuschmider is a freelance writer who writes about health, politics, and culture based in Maryland. You can find her on Facebook.