An Open Letter To The Man Who Taught Me To Have Great Sex
Thanks to you, I never wasted time with someone who couldn’t satisfy me in bed.
Kaspars Grinvalds / Shutterstock Hey,
Wait! I’m not going to wreck your day, and I don’t have any more drama to dump at your doorstep. This isn’t that Adele song; all our business is finished. I just needed to say thanks for something.
See, I realized when we were together that most people don’t have the amazing sexual awakening narrative that you and I shared over those years. Thanks to you, I had the kind of thorough, immersive, adventurous sexual education you only read about in those crappy Nicholas Sparks-type romance novels I absolutely loathe.
Our time together set my standards for what I would and would not tolerate in my partners afterward and taught me how to take pride in and ask for what I wanted. For that, I owe you my sincere thanks.
Perhaps most crucial to my sexual awakening was the level of respect and consent that went into building our sex life from scratch. It’s still hard to believe we were together a year-and-a-half before we decided to take the plunge, which I think roughly translates to a decade in Teenage Years.
Then, when things got weird and uncomfortable after the first few times, we agreed to pump the brakes and take a step back for a little bit until we were ready to make another go of it, thus further negating all those stupid arguments about how horny teens have no self-control.
We even made a deal during that period that we’d never fool around if we were drunk, and you went with me to my first OB/GYN to get birth control, which, to this day, still impresses me. To put it bluntly, we were responsible.
Because we set this foundation of trust and respect, there was an incredible sense of safety between us that gave me the courage and freedom to try new things I’d only heard about, which, if we’re being honest, I have not had with anyone since you.
While most girls my age were still putting up with bad finger jobs by dudes they’d just met, we were watching porn together and experimenting with scenarios and props.
Thanks to the comfort we developed in exploring each other’s bodies and asking questions about how everything worked, I learned things about how to please both men and women that I’ve never read about in any “sex manual.”
I was able to admit things to you about my desires that I’d never ever said to myself, and your openness and willingness to try it gave me the confidence to own my sexuality, a trait I carry with me today.
Even when our new sexual adventures resulted in hilarity, it was never with humiliation, which kept our momentum going. For years, no matter how bad our relationship got, in the bedroom, it was the same chemistry and playfulness that we had from the start.
Maybe that’s why I staunchly believed we were meant to last forever.
Because our sex life was so solid and healthy for so long, I assumed we’d found real, eternal love.
Luckily, I realized that great sex is not the same as great love before we made the mistake of getting married but in the years since I’ve refused to settle for any love that didn’t also involve a strong sexual component.
Thanks to you, I never wasted time with someone who couldn’t satisfy me in bed. Thanks to our time together, I’m not ashamed to ask for what I want or enjoy pleasing my partner in ways he’s never had before.
Because of you, I put my sexual happiness as high on my list as I do for my partner. If he could, my husband would thank you, too — especially for that upside-down tongue thing I do that I only found while trying new stuff with you. You know the one.
When I talk to my daughter about what a healthy “first time” looks like,
I'm so, so happy that I get to use our story as a blueprint. I'm glad that I can tell her a real story of a fun, consensual sexual experience instead of just another cautionary tale from a woman who was humped and dumped by some regrettable turd who was terrible in the sack.
My premarital sex story is an anomaly, and it wouldn’t have happened without a great partner. Thank you for being that guy.
Alex Alexander is a blogger for YourTango who has written extensively on relationships, sex, and lifestyle topics.