It's Perfectly OK To Be Kinky — In Fact, It's Normal
If you're kinky and you know it, clap your hands!
LL studio / shutterstock Mainstream society tends to label kinks and fetishes as taboo, which is ironic because a kink is simply anything besides standard "vanilla" sex. Based on this description, being kinky is normal!
I like to think of kinks as the sprinkles of life — anything that deviates from the norm. For instance, perhaps I am loving life and missionary position and my partner gently sucked my toe for a few seconds and I enjoy it. Perhaps I like to call my partner Daddy. Ladies and gentlemen, I just partook in a kink.
Studies have shown that people with kinks and fetishes tend to possess above-average intelligence — so it's not exactly a bad thing! Kinky folks are the type of people to taste vanilla ice cream and think, wow that is delicious, what happens if you add chocolate syrup?
No, I am not trying to get you on the kink train. What this is really about is why does such a large portion of our society see kinks and fetishes as taboo?
Being kinky is normal
Kink is a consensual practice that includes role-play, power dynamics, or fetishes. It doesn't have to involve actual sex. Perhaps I love the feel of furry socks on my skin under the sheets. Kinky sex requires communication about desires and limits to make sure everyone enjoys the experience. We often do not even realize we would enjoy something because we label it as being weird or "societally unacceptable."
When you are close-minded you deny yourself the opportunity to explore your mind and body. Kinks can be simple or they can be complex.
Exploring your partner's body while alternating between drinking hot tea and sucking on an ice cube or putting on a furry costume and dancing to the electric slide before engaging in wild sex in a kiddy pool full of jello. Spanking, group sex, polyamory, exhibitionism, whipping, slapping, or even just talking about kinky stuff during sex, all fall into the "kinky spectrum."
Most people fit somewhere on the 'kinky spectrum'
It never occurred to me that kink could be considered a "bad" thing until I became familiar with an online BDSM test. I often recommend this quiz to online daters who want to see if a potential partner might be sexually compatible. Half the time, clients would look appalled and respond with some variation of, "I'm not a pervert." Which I find unfortunate. After all, as we've established, kink is normal!
Is it perverted to admit that I love pizza with lots of toppings? What is a normal for pizza? To discover cheese pizza and then never eat anything else besides cheese pizza or do I start to wonder, "What would it be like if I added green peppers, pepperoni, or jalapeños?"
This doesn't mean I no longer appreciate pizza, I'm just a normal human being exploring my creativity.
I have had numerous clients over the years who at some point in time during a long-term relationship developed a desire to explore something new. One client started to become aroused by the idea of being dominated. They were extremely afraid of revealing this to their partner. So much so that they hired a dominatrix in order to avoid that conversation completely. This is an extremely common occurrence — but being deceptive or secretive when you have promised your partner you'd be monogamous or honest about interacting with other partners is not healthy.
Wouldn't it be healthier if we could accept that wanting to try new things in bed is normal and healthy?
People change, and so do their fantasies & desires
It would be stranger to be in a long-term relationship with someone who at no point in time wants to try something new in the bedroom. Something important to remember: People change.
If you develop a new side of yourself you want to explore but choose to ignore it it could lead to anxiety and depression. Failure to overcome a stigma and internalizing that stigma has negative effects on every aspect of your life.
Dirty talk during foreplay or sex is a great way to add variety and keeps things hot. Kinky sex does not have to include BDSM.
When you find someone and you get married it is highly unlikely that their sexuality will not evolve in any way. It's perfectly normal to encounter something and wonder if it might be enjoyable. It's normal to want to try something new.
Open communication leads to healthier relationships
It's important that you have a partner you feel comfortable with so you can discuss your thoughts openly but with compassion. What you don't want to do is approach your partner with, “Hey we've been together a long time and I'm really getting bored. I like variety, you know this, babe. Do you think we could include one of your friends in the bedroom?” or whatever is intriguing you.
I often encounter male clients who want to convince their partners to have an open relationship or at least the occasional threesome. A large portion of the time their partner is not comfortable with bringing another person into their relationship. For these people, I suggest partaking in fantasy. Yes, even this would be considered kinky!
One good way to do this is to go there in your mind and talking through it during foreplay or while having intercourse can be so stimulating that many of my clients were completely satisfied without partaking in an additional partner. The great part is in your mind the rules of life are irrelevant.
For example, I could describe a sexy scene that incorporates fantastical violations of the laws of physics, such as floating in mid-air or interplanetary teleportation.
Let your mind explore the freedom of not being required to take universal laws into consideration. You can time travel and teleport but you still need to take your partner's feelings into consideration.
Exploring your sexuality and trying different things in the bedroom is part of what gives the rainbow of life so many colors.
Our society does a number on us by keeping us confined to gender norms and telling us how to act and when. But you do not have to let society dictate your love life.
Erika Jordan is an internationally acclaimed love and relationship expert, NLP practitioner, author, and media personality, and a leader in the field of digital romance and online dating.